anxious

Today I kept my BigKiddo home from school because I felt way too stressed to actually get out of the house on time. It sounds so incredibly simplistic but here's what i was feeling...

1. I woke up feeling "normal" - nothing too out of the ordinary. But when I looked at the clock and realized my husband was almost out the door I just sort of froze up
2. I wanted to hide/disappear - I went to the bathroom and just sat there. I could feel more anxious at the minutes went by but it was kind of like I could stave it off. But eventually the clock hit the point where I had to leave in order to get BigKiddo to school... and then I felt some relief.
3. Still feeling anxious - I've been on the verge of a breakdown these past couple of days, maybe weeks. The thought of leaving my house gives me a lot of anxious feelings, along with the thought of going to the grocery store. I don't know what I'm avoiding really, besides being around people. I'm actually worried that as I get older and this continues to get worse that I could be a full blown agoraphobic. But it's not like I always hate getting out... I like driving around with no destination (just wandering), and sometimes the thing I want to do pushes me to "get over" the avoidance of people issue for just that period of time, although I still don't like it.

I don't really know what or why I'm avoiding. I'm avoiding my kids right now in fact. Yesterday I had to "escape" to smoke a cigarette because I was on the verge of rampaging... it's that point when the stress or anxiety becomes too much and your body wants to release all that energy in some way - like a dam that's been backing up and backing up until it finally breaks through. The noise, their noise, the outside noise... it all gets to me and makes me feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. Though I don't really know why this is happening so badly. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe it's time for meds.

I think I hate staying at home by myself. I love my kiddos, but being a stay-at-home mom was not meant for me. I think it's more frustrating that I don't even know where to start to address this... I hate being around people and I long to live somewhere secluded, yet I hate being ALONE. And when my husband is gone all day at work I get really depressed. I could be happy if it was just he and I all the time. Sound sick and co-dependent? Maybe.

And then why do I consider myself to be alone if my kids are with me?? Maybe I am just sickly obsessed with my husband...