No, i suppose that doesn't make any sense. The truth is, I don't even know how to express or explain what I'm feeling/thinking. So let me start with basic physical descriptions that i can identify...
I'm fraking exhausted today that I can't even see clearly.
I physically feel very high strung, or agitated. I have no sense of patience today. And I'm crawling out of my skin in a I-want-to-punch-something kind of way.
I'm merely a SAHM and I've already yelled at my kids enough for the rest of the week... it's only 8:30 in the morning right now. And I really didn't want my husband to go to work this morning. I was just dreading it really hard.
This is one of those days where I'm fighting the constant thoughts and physical nerve twitching to get in my car and drive away. Just away. I've kind of done something similar but somehow I always manage to stay coherent and able to talk myself through some things... but I have to really be concentrating, and even then I don't listen to myself very well. Damn this all sounds like I'm a schizo but I'm really not. (I wonder if this is related to my ability to stay pretty coherent even when I'm trashed.)
I've been thinking a lot lately about some "friends" of mine that I'm not sure are really my friends. They're sort of virtual friends. Anyway, I don't really know where I stand with some of them and I'm wondering if my "reaching out" is really a good idea. I know too much about myself to think that it might not be. And I don't know if they're lurking just because they're curious, or because they really are trying to get to know me... sharing online is weird, isn't it? So except for a couple of those people, I'm thinking about committing "meta-cide" and erasing all trace of myself from online. Then I'd recreate myself where nobody would know who I am...It's like a do-over. Anyway... I don't know.
Maybe I should just take a break from the metaverse. Most likely I just need to come to terms with what being in the metaverse requires and includes - like expectations and learning to not get too attached to people who seem to be interested in you one minute and then not the next. It's just hard to get close and realize later on that it only hurt you. I've blogged in the past about random things and followed others' blogs about crafting and such, but this recent experience has been so different. I've met some really neat people, people I'd love to get to know and see/share/be a part of their life with them via online. But... like I say, some of the lurking people do is throwing me off, so I don't know what to think because I thought some of those people felt the same way I did - or do... oh well. For someone (me) who's very sensitive to feelings of low self-worth, who hates themselves off and on, who's always judging themselves, who's always thinking that the world would be better off them... I can't help but wonder what I did wrong. I guess I'll figure it out eventually.
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