um, Welcome to my blog?

I have never actually documented my depression before. I've kept journals off and on throughout my teen and adult years but only when "stuff" was going on, but I would usually end up throwing them away because the memories they brought back were too horrible. They would also act like a trigger;  whenever I would think back or re-read those journals it would send me to a pretty dark place.

I've been blogging as a way to deal with some hard things going on in my life for a while now, as well as I've been blogging about some really wonderful things in my life. But I try to keep it all separate. Not because I want to be fake or phony, but some RL people read the blogs and I don't want to sully a positive experience of those positive sites. I also tried being everything on one blog and it - well, it doesn't work. So I figure it's best to keep things as separate as possible. I don't know. Maybe I'll figure something else out along the way.

So anyway this is my own private (with exception of you, dear reader) and hopefully more consistent "therapy". Today I just felt the need to write out some of my thoughts, as I'm having a pretty hard time.  I'm most likely going to end up divulging a lot of personal and embarrassing stuff here. So don't think of me too badly or strangely...

But today is one of those days where I don't want to be involved with anyone or anything... and then again, I do.

I am so depressed today. I am really missing my husband and he's just at work. And all I want to do is vomit and stay inside my room. That's literal; I really just want to throw up because I feel incredibly gross.

I'm not sure what to do at this moment. I might take the kids to our favorite park. There would be shade and at least  its not blazing hot. I just feel like crap -  physically and mentally. Then part of me wants to zone out and not be connected to anybody or anything. 

I'm fighting back tears at this moment and I have no reason for it. I feel like I'm staving off a mild panic attack as my chest starts to have that butterfly-feeling. Even the sound of the loud cars on our street will add to my anxiety and aggressiveness. I hate it here in my messy house. I want to burn all our shit right now... and then again, I just don't have the energy.