When I'm in a "mood" or "phase" - gosh I don't even think these are the right words to describe what I'm talking about because I feel like this pretty much all the time, just sometimes worse than others - I want to disconnect from people. I want to hide in my hole, not talk to anybody, and erase any trace of myself from the meta. I've nearly deleted several blogs and a Flickr account because I just wanted to disappear (my husband stopped me). I've even seriously contemplated moving to the ends of the earth just to be far away - and it's not like I'm not far from the RL people in my life.
Lately I've been feeling this way. I try to connect, but then I realize how unimportant and uninteresting I am and that maybe I don't fit. I've never been very outgoing or extroverted when I first meet people. But once we can call each other friends I become VERY outgoing, and silly, and happy.
I've also taken up a new hobby of photography. Of course I'm not great at it, but I'm learning. But I'm also very hard on myself. So my expectations are high and so I'm currently feeling like I, well, SUCK. My sweet husband would totally disagree, but that's just the nature of having a low self-image and feelings of self- worth.
Shit, this all sounds so pathetic.
Last night I just wanted to be taken (sexually) by my husband because I was feeling low. I don't know how that happens - I'll be depressed, yet want us to fuck like rabbits. Sometimes I feel so emotionally spent afterward that I'm trying hard to hold back tears. Sometimes I just totally break down.
I LOVE my husband, and I think that realization of how I feel about him hits me square in the face after we make love, especially when I orgasm. I don't know. I don't really understand it fully. Maybe sex is a good release for me, although I don't always want it when I'm depressed. I'm sure I'm not the only person who gets this way - feels low and just needs that intimate connection to fill whatever feels empty on the inside. I don't think it's a bad thing, especially when it's within a stable, loving, and understanding relationship.--- WTF, am I giving advice?? I don't know anything. But it's just my observation.
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