I'm testing the email-to-blogger feature to see if I like it. I know it's pretty crap for posting pictures, but we'll see if we can do about that later...
Today I'm writing about a feeling of great loneliness and feelings of being lost.
This might not make any sense to people who are non-religious, but I've been "searching" for truth lately and I keep finding myself back at the beginning.
I'll just mention really quickly that my life in a nondenomenational/evang church wasn't always bad. In the beginning of my spiritual journey it was a saving grace on it's own. I can't tell you how many times I was overcome with misery and wanting to just be dead. But then I'd be prompted to pick up my bible, go to church, listen to a sermon, and immediate relief would fall on me. Relief! That was indeed what it was.
Anyway, to make a long story short: I studied my bible on my own, continued church when I could (my dealing with both depression and family life started to struggle) and eventually came to the conclusion that I was no longer happy in my usual churches. The services and church life just felt so hollow and when i'd go to church I felt nothing. It was hard to admit that all to myself.
Needless to say my faith was under attack. My idea of belonging to any church was most definitely under attack. But I was always reminded of certain things that occurred in my life that I really couldn't explain away, and that I could only attribute to God. And so I always returned to Yeshua. I was also constantly reminded of how hard it is to be a christian by one's self.
Fast forward: So I've been researching Orthodox christianity. It's always been my personality to want to verify things at it's source. So I naturally wanted to work my way backwards and see just where christianity (and all it's insane number of denominations/practices) came from.
I've been quick pleased with what I've been discovering. But every now and then, as is common with people who deal with anxiety and perseveration, and get stuck in a loop of thought that if christianity (the first churches) were born out of judaism (indeed, the very first church fathers were jewish) then why do we not adhere to torah and festivals and shabbat, etc.?
I am such a noob in the realm of orthodoxy that I cannot even be considered a noob.
My husband helps me immensely when I start to overwhelm myself with anything, and he reminded me to "stay on target", lol, for nerdlings who know what that references to. But basically, yes - I just have to calm down and continue along the lines of studying orthodox origins and theology and traditions. After that, then I can focus on something else if need be.
At the moment I am dealing with a headache that I feel is really connected to this sadness I'm experiencing. I often feel actual physical symptoms of my depression and it can be very debilitating as well as depressing in it's self! I found myself returning to thoughts of wanting to leave this world and just be dead, if only I could be in the arms of All Mighty God, who puts all my tears into a bottle.
٩꒰｡•‿•｡꒱۶ ♡ⒽⓤⒼⓢ♥
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