I false started another post but I think I'll just sit on it for a few days while I figure out exactly what I'm trying to accomplish from it. Everything here in some way is just an emo dump.
This time of year is really hard for me for various reasons I'll address in a later post. Suffice to say I am really looking forward to it being over. That's horrible, isn't it?
Anyway, Im just sitting here online feeling really lonely. I haven't had friends in a long time. I would still say that I have friends but they have lives of their own, and we're friends from afar, and one can't just call up one at near midnight. Well maybe some people could, but I would feel really guilty about it.
There's something quite nice about having internet peeps to call friends. I kind of miss my internet peeps. But then, that's not always fulfilling because it doesn't always feel completely real. I know some people who would say that they act more real, and the relationships they have online are more authentic than anything they have in the outside world. I can agree and understand this point. But I don't always feel that way for myself, and I don't really understand why. I think Im just scared of people. Or maybe I just want a friend in the flesh who I know is as "different" as i am, and who will run away with me to the beach in the middle of the night when I get those weird, wild hairs up my dander. (What does that phrase even mean, by the way?? lol)
I think what I want - what I really really want - is to have my husband be that friend. I am pretty content with just him. The sad fact is that he works a lot, he's a responsible husband and earner, he never gives anything less than his best when it comes to work ethic... and I hate it.
What am I trying to say here?...
I hate that my husband words so much.
I hate that this time of year keeps him away for 12 hours a day, and when he comes home we get to see him for like an hour. Tis the Christmas shopping seasons, wtf.
I hate that I get all weird and neurotic because I'm basically a flood of emotions and lack of sleep.
I hate that everything is so crowded and full of shoppers at every hour of the fricken day.
I hate, therefore, that I am on edge and stressed out when I have to go to the market.
I hate some other stuff, too, but I probably filled my allowable hate-fest limit.
I've been listening non-stop to Handel's Messiah. There's lots of different recordings on Youtube and I'm enjoying going through them, figuring out all the little details of each performance. People are passionate about which recordings are their favorites, sometimes rudely so. Anyway, I don't much like cheesy Christmas music or carols or that crap, but I do love baroque music in the cold, winter months. Bach's Christmas Oratorio is another really good one for this time of year.
Anyway, enjoy this very lovely and meaningful Christmas music:
10/24/15
#nyquil
I wonder what other people take when they're feeling out of control of their anxiety. I didn't have any tincture. I don't even know if I want to get any more since things were so inconsistent. It makes me frustrated because the lasting effects were nice...when it worked. But i felt like a fricken neurotic person last night. I wouldnt be surprised if I actually fit the description of neurotices (or however you spell it). I've gone through phases of using alcohol to sooth whatever anxiousness Ive felt in the past, but it doesn't always work the way I want and only serves to make me sleepy. Yes, its nice to feed giddy for an hour but after that you're pretty much back to square one. And Im not getting tanked around my kids. Anyway, hubby came home last night, I was bouncing off the walls starting to get really weird, and I decided I'd take some Nyquil to help knock me out for the night. (We were out of Zquil) I don't know if it was my own weird stimulatory issues or the Nyquil or what, but I woke up abruptly as I was starting to relax and be asleep with itchy sensations all over my body, mostly my legs. I had leggings on in bed so I quickly kicked them off and felt a bit better. This is actually something that happens from time to time but I've never been able to link it to anything, rather always assumed it was just my own nervous system going nuts on its own. Perhaps its linked to the stress, who knows.
So yeah, I think Im neurotic.I suppose that doesn't change anything.
So yeah, I think Im neurotic.I suppose that doesn't change anything.
10/23/15
Husband just came home. No matter how much i want him to, I know that he doesn't understand what I go through internally. I keep expecting him to help me, but i don't even know how to help me. I keep expecting him to be my knight in shining armor. Which is absurd because I hate that guys always feel they have to fix shit, even when they don't know what the hell they're doing. Maybe he's giving up on me. Maybe he's just lost in his own issues. Maybe he's just out of ideas. Of course, he still won't get rid of the internet - I don't know if that's just my go-to argument for things or what. I feel like all the issues that ever were are just sitting on my chest. And because Im "not crazy" everybody thinks Im fine. I don't know how I've made it this far sometimes. I always feel like Im on the edge of something - like on the edge of being sane. I don't even know what that means. I might seriously move out of my house. And into the car. I think the only way he might take me seriously is if I start dumping all of my shit. I keep wallowing in it and all my issues, but I never make any moves toward doing what I feel is necessary for my survival. Actually, Im only just surviving. There is no thriving here at all. I can't even take care of my kids.
#Just_Average
We took a family vacation to the midwest, driving for 3 days. It was pretty cool.
Things I've learned about the journey are
Anyway, it was a nice family visit.
There were a few nights we opted to sleep in our mini-van... all 5 of us. It was a challenge and took a couple attempt to get it somewhat suitable. But with the husband and eldest being mega tall beings things were difficult. I do feel somewhat encouraged that I could easily take the kids on a journey to the coach and live out of the van for a couple days.
I've been thinking about routines. I know i desperately need one but it's been increasingly difficult as time goes on. Since coming home I've felt the life be sucked out of me. On the road, even though it was exhausting both mentally and physically, things seemed simpler. The constant access sunshine or the outside world helped. At one point, we had luscious rain that energized me. =)
At any rate, I've been doing some thinking about routines and skills. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I truly do suck at everything. Ok, maybe not suck, but Im just so average as to be barely Good at anything. It's hard to realize these things about yourself, but perhaps it will help me move on in life. Move on where, I don't know. maybe just move on away from any pressure to want to accomplish anything "great" or "significant".
As far as routines, I was thinking of storing most of my clothes away again except for workout attire. I really need to get this extra weight off. In an effort to focus myself better, having only workout clothes around might help with that. There's also the other issue of spiritual care that I've been contemplating and so have been trying to work out a morning pattern of coffee, prayer, and incense burning. Did you know that frankincense has been found to have antidepressant properties?
Well anyway. Next stop: living at the beach in my minivan... for a couple days.
Things I've learned about the journey are
- If you've seen one city, you've seen them all - they're full of people, noise, and insane drivers.
- Freeways suck and scar all the beautiful places - there are so many beautiful spots that have been injected with an overload of people and cars.
- Most of Nevada to Nebraska is hella ugly - I guess high desert and such is not my thang.
Anyway, it was a nice family visit.
There were a few nights we opted to sleep in our mini-van... all 5 of us. It was a challenge and took a couple attempt to get it somewhat suitable. But with the husband and eldest being mega tall beings things were difficult. I do feel somewhat encouraged that I could easily take the kids on a journey to the coach and live out of the van for a couple days.
I've been thinking about routines. I know i desperately need one but it's been increasingly difficult as time goes on. Since coming home I've felt the life be sucked out of me. On the road, even though it was exhausting both mentally and physically, things seemed simpler. The constant access sunshine or the outside world helped. At one point, we had luscious rain that energized me. =)
At any rate, I've been doing some thinking about routines and skills. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I truly do suck at everything. Ok, maybe not suck, but Im just so average as to be barely Good at anything. It's hard to realize these things about yourself, but perhaps it will help me move on in life. Move on where, I don't know. maybe just move on away from any pressure to want to accomplish anything "great" or "significant".
As far as routines, I was thinking of storing most of my clothes away again except for workout attire. I really need to get this extra weight off. In an effort to focus myself better, having only workout clothes around might help with that. There's also the other issue of spiritual care that I've been contemplating and so have been trying to work out a morning pattern of coffee, prayer, and incense burning. Did you know that frankincense has been found to have antidepressant properties?
Well anyway. Next stop: living at the beach in my minivan... for a couple days.
9/10/15
# tidy feels good
I thought you might like to see my "living room".
My house is sectioned off in a really weird way. It's the typical style of trying to make everything open and all the sections melt into one another. It's stupid. I'd rather deal with actual "Rooms", like the British older homes seem to do well. Yes, give me separate rooms with full walls and doors.
On the topic of orderliness: this is a good example of how my living room looks when it is clean and orderly. You don't get the full view because I didnt take a bunch of pictures, but there's a half-wall next to the dining table, and opposite the wall with the day bed is a wall with some cabinets. Seriously though, there's a stupid fireplace also along that wall with the sliding door (really long curtains) and so I can't put anything against walls in here. I absolutely hate that. As someone who needs that open space to prevent my anxieties, this layout is crap. I hate sectioning off rooms and creating little compartments for watching TV or using the computer, or whatever organizational magic the IKEA catalogs come up with. By the way, why do the IKEA catalog rooms have so much shit in them?? Anyway, I'll say no more lest I f-bomb all over the blog post. In case you haven't noticed, Im quite agitated today. =(
Kitchen viewed from the "dining room". The dining area is actually serving as a sitting area because I have no wall space to put these f'n couches or TV. (Gah, that stupid TV which is so f'n big and unnecessary.)
So this (above pic) is the left side of the previous picture. See. There's that half-wall. I suppose it's all necessary because my house has terrible windows that really don't let in a whole lot of light. I need fricken light! The windows "glow" more like the first picture and only enhance the contrast between light and dark in the house. Yes, it's the weirdest thing, but the windows are hella bright with glow, and everything else seems darker because of it. The kitchen window is the only one that lets in a nice sunlight stream, but only around 4pm for around 30 minutes.
I've rearranged some things again so I'll try and take pictures of that for the next post. I might do a "how I clean" video. Anyway, Im trying not rearrange the furniture anymore because I can easily obsess-think about how things are ordered. Basically I need to have nothing in the house. Or very little. But lately when I've been walking out to the kitchen for morning coffee I've felt very ... good. And relaxed. It also helps i've been deep cleaning like a mo-fo.
Here's my kitty sitting on my makeshift bed for camping. Just stacked some foam for beds and wrapped them in bedsheets, then whipstitched the edge closed. It worked ok. Perhaps I'll post pics from our camping trip next time. It was nice. Most of the time.
p.s.
I was having horrible obsessive, perseverative, thoughts about my middlest (autie) walking backward into parking lot traffic during the camping excursion. Is that considered a flashback? I've never thought of it that way, but I would be overcome with physical effects (shortness of breath, heart racing, invasive thoughts of it over and over) while I was driving. Its f'n scary. Well, I'll try to remember to bring that up with my therapist.
My house is sectioned off in a really weird way. It's the typical style of trying to make everything open and all the sections melt into one another. It's stupid. I'd rather deal with actual "Rooms", like the British older homes seem to do well. Yes, give me separate rooms with full walls and doors.
On the topic of orderliness: this is a good example of how my living room looks when it is clean and orderly. You don't get the full view because I didnt take a bunch of pictures, but there's a half-wall next to the dining table, and opposite the wall with the day bed is a wall with some cabinets. Seriously though, there's a stupid fireplace also along that wall with the sliding door (really long curtains) and so I can't put anything against walls in here. I absolutely hate that. As someone who needs that open space to prevent my anxieties, this layout is crap. I hate sectioning off rooms and creating little compartments for watching TV or using the computer, or whatever organizational magic the IKEA catalogs come up with. By the way, why do the IKEA catalog rooms have so much shit in them?? Anyway, I'll say no more lest I f-bomb all over the blog post. In case you haven't noticed, Im quite agitated today. =(
Kitchen viewed from the "dining room". The dining area is actually serving as a sitting area because I have no wall space to put these f'n couches or TV. (Gah, that stupid TV which is so f'n big and unnecessary.)
So this (above pic) is the left side of the previous picture. See. There's that half-wall. I suppose it's all necessary because my house has terrible windows that really don't let in a whole lot of light. I need fricken light! The windows "glow" more like the first picture and only enhance the contrast between light and dark in the house. Yes, it's the weirdest thing, but the windows are hella bright with glow, and everything else seems darker because of it. The kitchen window is the only one that lets in a nice sunlight stream, but only around 4pm for around 30 minutes.
I've rearranged some things again so I'll try and take pictures of that for the next post. I might do a "how I clean" video. Anyway, Im trying not rearrange the furniture anymore because I can easily obsess-think about how things are ordered. Basically I need to have nothing in the house. Or very little. But lately when I've been walking out to the kitchen for morning coffee I've felt very ... good. And relaxed. It also helps i've been deep cleaning like a mo-fo.
Here's my kitty sitting on my makeshift bed for camping. Just stacked some foam for beds and wrapped them in bedsheets, then whipstitched the edge closed. It worked ok. Perhaps I'll post pics from our camping trip next time. It was nice. Most of the time.
p.s.
I was having horrible obsessive, perseverative, thoughts about my middlest (autie) walking backward into parking lot traffic during the camping excursion. Is that considered a flashback? I've never thought of it that way, but I would be overcome with physical effects (shortness of breath, heart racing, invasive thoughts of it over and over) while I was driving. Its f'n scary. Well, I'll try to remember to bring that up with my therapist.
8/7/15
# silence and replacing bad habits
I've been addicted to having the television on this last year. Perhaps a bit longer than that. I fee like it's been a lot worse this past year, though. Prior to always having the tv (streaming television or movies) on, I used to hang out online with a group of Stargate fans. I miss them, but the tv was just on in the background all the time, and I felt somewhat bound to the computer (tv) so I could chat with everyone. I think it was just another way of distracting myself, stopping my brain, and escaping.
These days (and I think especially this last year) I will still have something streaming on the computer for some background noise, and to distract my brain from obsessively thinking about nothing and everything. Does that make sense? Usually what will then happen is I will end up taking "breaks" for hours to recover from whatever stress Im experiencing. I end up basically just vegging out while watching the same shows over and over again. So here I am, yet again, trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this habit, and replace it with a better more productive one.
It seems a huge chunk of my life has been about replacing habits. For a long time it was World of Warcraft, then it was daily trips to the coffee house which would have been positive except I felt I was wasting gas driving aimlessly around afterward, and would then feel guilty about that. Not to mention the waste of money in unhealthy coffees when I could be making it at home. I suppose Im just really good at taking something positive and turning it into something negative.
This is what happens when I want to avoid... whatever it is I want to avoid. I think I've just always been miserable while staying at home, that I've developed my own coping mechanism that unfortunately aren't the best practices. There's also too much time to realize shit when you're a stay-at-home parent, which can be depressing and cause anxiety. But i don't necessarily want to delve into that aspect of my avoidance issues right now in this post. My therapist says this is still the Flight part of an overactive Fight-or-flight, even without the physical overdrive of the body, that is typically some form of anxiety.
If I could scrap things here at home I'd get rid of all the computers and the tv. We don't really watch new shows, or keep up with what's currently popular, and everything is pretty regulated. But there's just never any silence. And those forms of technology are just constant temptations that are too easy to give into. That is my problem - I give in too easily. The kids, also, are always asking me when they can watch such-and-such, look up so-and-so dude with Minecraft tutorials on youtube, and making deals so they can play video games. I find that even when I give them a schedule - to which they will gladly and beautifully stick to - I quickly realize what a crutch that is for them. If the schedule can't be stuck to - you know, because life happens or whatever - they have a hard time dealing with that and get upset. In fact, I've had my eldest refuse to go somewhere fun because it was going to cut into his computer time. This is just not ok with me, drives me crazy, makes me feel like shit, and stresses me out big time. Especially as they deal with autism and therefore can also have "obsessional" issues. So... I'd rather not have tech in my house. But I'm stuck with it because my husband is the tech-head here, always has been. I don't blame him, and I can't blame him because if I had the strength and cojones I could easily resist all this b.s. I'm also not trying to blame my kids for any of this. I blame myself. But that doesn't mean that I should have to subject myself to an environment in which I'm most likely to fail in. After all, what wife/husband would think to leave a bunch alcohol in their home when their spouse is an alcoholic?That's just asking for trouble.
These days (and I think especially this last year) I will still have something streaming on the computer for some background noise, and to distract my brain from obsessively thinking about nothing and everything. Does that make sense? Usually what will then happen is I will end up taking "breaks" for hours to recover from whatever stress Im experiencing. I end up basically just vegging out while watching the same shows over and over again. So here I am, yet again, trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this habit, and replace it with a better more productive one.
It seems a huge chunk of my life has been about replacing habits. For a long time it was World of Warcraft, then it was daily trips to the coffee house which would have been positive except I felt I was wasting gas driving aimlessly around afterward, and would then feel guilty about that. Not to mention the waste of money in unhealthy coffees when I could be making it at home. I suppose Im just really good at taking something positive and turning it into something negative.
This is what happens when I want to avoid... whatever it is I want to avoid. I think I've just always been miserable while staying at home, that I've developed my own coping mechanism that unfortunately aren't the best practices. There's also too much time to realize shit when you're a stay-at-home parent, which can be depressing and cause anxiety. But i don't necessarily want to delve into that aspect of my avoidance issues right now in this post. My therapist says this is still the Flight part of an overactive Fight-or-flight, even without the physical overdrive of the body, that is typically some form of anxiety.
If I could scrap things here at home I'd get rid of all the computers and the tv. We don't really watch new shows, or keep up with what's currently popular, and everything is pretty regulated. But there's just never any silence. And those forms of technology are just constant temptations that are too easy to give into. That is my problem - I give in too easily. The kids, also, are always asking me when they can watch such-and-such, look up so-and-so dude with Minecraft tutorials on youtube, and making deals so they can play video games. I find that even when I give them a schedule - to which they will gladly and beautifully stick to - I quickly realize what a crutch that is for them. If the schedule can't be stuck to - you know, because life happens or whatever - they have a hard time dealing with that and get upset. In fact, I've had my eldest refuse to go somewhere fun because it was going to cut into his computer time. This is just not ok with me, drives me crazy, makes me feel like shit, and stresses me out big time. Especially as they deal with autism and therefore can also have "obsessional" issues. So... I'd rather not have tech in my house. But I'm stuck with it because my husband is the tech-head here, always has been. I don't blame him, and I can't blame him because if I had the strength and cojones I could easily resist all this b.s. I'm also not trying to blame my kids for any of this. I blame myself. But that doesn't mean that I should have to subject myself to an environment in which I'm most likely to fail in. After all, what wife/husband would think to leave a bunch alcohol in their home when their spouse is an alcoholic?That's just asking for trouble.
8/4/15
# want to scream
Im just sitting here thinking over and over again about my living space.
My brain will not stop.
I don't obsessively clean or move furniture around (although i do move furniture around a lot), but I "think and think" about how to rearrange this living space all the time.
So much so that I just sit, look around, and get lost in thought. Lose the time. Get anxious to even move.
And i fucking hate it.
And Im ready to tell my therapist to give me more or GTFO. Like, a lot more.
If she doesn't want to do CBT with me then fuckit. This talking bullshit isn't doing anything.
I have whole fucking days of sitting in my bedroom with constant - CONSTANT - like, literal nonstop fucking anxiety. Unable to even come out into the kitchen to make food for the kids. And my brain doesn't stop!
Imaginary conversations rule my thoughts - what am i going to say to so-and-so, or what was said to so-and-so, how would I say something to so-and-so in such-and-such a situation...
So this talking it out therapy is bull - fucking - shit! Thats why I keep a blog.
ugh, this isn't even half the shit thats on my mind today.
:
:
Please forgive me. This blog is my outlet so I don't explode at the people nearest to me - my family.
For crap sake, if anyone out there can relate please say something, comment, anything. Im shit at reaching out. And I don't think there's a big blogger community anymore. Perhaps I might find a general forum for my troubles. I don't know. And twitter sucks.
My brain will not stop.
I don't obsessively clean or move furniture around (although i do move furniture around a lot), but I "think and think" about how to rearrange this living space all the time.
So much so that I just sit, look around, and get lost in thought. Lose the time. Get anxious to even move.
And i fucking hate it.
And Im ready to tell my therapist to give me more or GTFO. Like, a lot more.
If she doesn't want to do CBT with me then fuckit. This talking bullshit isn't doing anything.
I have whole fucking days of sitting in my bedroom with constant - CONSTANT - like, literal nonstop fucking anxiety. Unable to even come out into the kitchen to make food for the kids. And my brain doesn't stop!
Imaginary conversations rule my thoughts - what am i going to say to so-and-so, or what was said to so-and-so, how would I say something to so-and-so in such-and-such a situation...
So this talking it out therapy is bull - fucking - shit! Thats why I keep a blog.
ugh, this isn't even half the shit thats on my mind today.
:
:
Please forgive me. This blog is my outlet so I don't explode at the people nearest to me - my family.
For crap sake, if anyone out there can relate please say something, comment, anything. Im shit at reaching out. And I don't think there's a big blogger community anymore. Perhaps I might find a general forum for my troubles. I don't know. And twitter sucks.
7/30/15
# it's so flippin' hot today
Therapy discussion:
Well I guess my session today was fairly helpful. It's still mostly random talking although I do try to ask questions I have about my situation. I've lately been wondering about OCD and why some peoples' anxieties turn into action rather than as in my case of freezing. She said that in terms of "freezing" it's just another form of running away/flight. I tried to think about how much I fought or flew during my childhood, and on reflection I think I did both, which is why I avoid confrontation now because I've been known to respond in very over-the-top fashion. Fights with the husband tend to escalate quickly, too. Hands up, it's all on me although to my defense he doesn't know when to stop and leave me be. So that's unfortunate. =(
Mostly everything in life revolves and is dominated by fear and anxiety. It sucks and it's part of my personal plan to learn more about anxiety in a clinical way. For some reason I think this helps me. It's also just part of my "obsessive" tendencies toward rules and process. Yet somehow, my obsessions cause me anxiety when I can't acheive them, at which point I freeze. Like, shit, I wish I could turn that into action. It's totally like if I can't do what I'm trying to do exactly the way I'm trying to do, then I freak out and freeze. This is what I don't understand and need to figure out a way to conquer, or turn into something productive. Ughhhhhhh.
We also addressed some guilt that I have that emerges as anxiety at the end of the night. I was telling her that my insomnia seems much worse right now that it's summer time. In truth, I don't think summer has much to do with it because my insomnia is nothing new. It his, however, worse in general with me staying up until 5 in the morning.
eating habits:
unchanged
exercise:
sporadic and not frequent
projects:
I'm working on deep cleaning my house. It is going slow and is utterly frustrating. I started making a list to help me stay on track but then my lists get ultra excessive and I start to obsess over the best organization of it.
cat:
This is our Belle. Hubby rescued her from a tree across the street and she followed him home. She's been a sweetie baby.
Well I guess my session today was fairly helpful. It's still mostly random talking although I do try to ask questions I have about my situation. I've lately been wondering about OCD and why some peoples' anxieties turn into action rather than as in my case of freezing. She said that in terms of "freezing" it's just another form of running away/flight. I tried to think about how much I fought or flew during my childhood, and on reflection I think I did both, which is why I avoid confrontation now because I've been known to respond in very over-the-top fashion. Fights with the husband tend to escalate quickly, too. Hands up, it's all on me although to my defense he doesn't know when to stop and leave me be. So that's unfortunate. =(
Mostly everything in life revolves and is dominated by fear and anxiety. It sucks and it's part of my personal plan to learn more about anxiety in a clinical way. For some reason I think this helps me. It's also just part of my "obsessive" tendencies toward rules and process. Yet somehow, my obsessions cause me anxiety when I can't acheive them, at which point I freeze. Like, shit, I wish I could turn that into action. It's totally like if I can't do what I'm trying to do exactly the way I'm trying to do, then I freak out and freeze. This is what I don't understand and need to figure out a way to conquer, or turn into something productive. Ughhhhhhh.
We also addressed some guilt that I have that emerges as anxiety at the end of the night. I was telling her that my insomnia seems much worse right now that it's summer time. In truth, I don't think summer has much to do with it because my insomnia is nothing new. It his, however, worse in general with me staying up until 5 in the morning.
eating habits:
unchanged
exercise:
sporadic and not frequent
projects:
I'm working on deep cleaning my house. It is going slow and is utterly frustrating. I started making a list to help me stay on track but then my lists get ultra excessive and I start to obsess over the best organization of it.
cat:
This is our Belle. Hubby rescued her from a tree across the street and she followed him home. She's been a sweetie baby.
7/15/15
# template to keep myself on track
I thought it might be a good idea to keep a template of things I need to address when writing my journal so I can basically keep myself accountable... to myself. lol. It should also HOPEFULLY keep me focused, succinct, and ... something else. I dunno, I can't concentrate these days, remember.
therapy discussions: Here i will write about what transpired in my therapy. If I quit going to my therapist I will most likely continue to learn about ptsd/depression/anxiety/obsessive issues probably in conjunction with faith based philosophies. Here is where I'll write some of those things out.
eating habits: Just a general record of foods i eat. I'm trying to juice more, eat healthier on a more regular basis, and document how well I'm accomplishing this, as well as how I feel physically.
exercise: Have I been keeping up with my plan? Do I have a plan? How am I feeling, etc, etc, blahblahblah.
vitamins: Crap, I forgot to take my vitamins.
projects: Have I done anything interesting for myself? For others? Family excursions taken? Anything fun or interesting or educational? (One day I will write I'VE BEEN BUILDING MY COB HOUSE!! And then I'll know for sure that life has gotten better.) Basically I want to be less idyl and in the habit of thinking that there's always something to do, even if it's boring but useful.
cat: I've been getting more depressed and therefore lazy about posting funny kitty gifs and pics. So at least one will go in this section.
therapy discussions: Here i will write about what transpired in my therapy. If I quit going to my therapist I will most likely continue to learn about ptsd/depression/anxiety/obsessive issues probably in conjunction with faith based philosophies. Here is where I'll write some of those things out.
eating habits: Just a general record of foods i eat. I'm trying to juice more, eat healthier on a more regular basis, and document how well I'm accomplishing this, as well as how I feel physically.
exercise: Have I been keeping up with my plan? Do I have a plan? How am I feeling, etc, etc, blahblahblah.
vitamins: Crap, I forgot to take my vitamins.
projects: Have I done anything interesting for myself? For others? Family excursions taken? Anything fun or interesting or educational? (One day I will write I'VE BEEN BUILDING MY COB HOUSE!! And then I'll know for sure that life has gotten better.) Basically I want to be less idyl and in the habit of thinking that there's always something to do, even if it's boring but useful.
cat: I've been getting more depressed and therefore lazy about posting funny kitty gifs and pics. So at least one will go in this section.
# just over a month of therapy and I just feel like I'm stumbling through everything.
...And I still don't know what the point of it is.
Yesterday (monday) was kind of a hard day for me. The kind of day where Im just super fragile and crying for no reason, except that everything becomes a kind of reason. When I get to my therapy and try to hone in on this, somehow the conversation took a turn, and she wanted to focus on things I ALREADY KNEW AND DON'T NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO "MAKE BETTER". FFS, the more I really think about it, the more frustrated I get. It's like no one is f8ing listening to me, and no one really understands my mind or what I'm going through. Please dont' tell me to just light a candle and release my anxiety into the atmosphere. I'm not trying to be mean (although Im incredibly annoyed), but I need HELP to FIX.MY.BRAIN.
Does my ranting just make me sound super self centered?
I did learn one thing that, if I'm honest, I already knew, which was my body is just shutting off because it's exhausted. I can't think clearly, can't focus on reading a book, can't concentrate, can't get enough energy, can't get out of bed somedays, can't bother to care about life some days, because my psyche is trying to tell me to turn off/take a break/recharge. The only issue is that this is a period of time which is all likeliness is way too significant to actually accomplish. So what to do...?
Well I went browsing around the internets and I found a website by an orthodox priestmonk who originally came from a background of hard science (chemistry). Somewhere along the way of his education he decided to follow his other passion of theological studies. He currently writes about - and this is the best way i can describe it since I haven't read too much of his stuff - a merging of cognitive therapy and Orthodoxy. Or maybe its looking at cognitive therapy from the frame of Orthodoxy... I'm not totally sure yet, but he has some books that I'll probably look into. For now I'm just going through his blog, hoping to find little helpful tidbits on the topics. But this seems to be exactly what I was looking for in terms of therapeutic approaches within the real of my faith.
In case anyone is interested:
http://ancientchristianwisdom.com/
So on the topic of my faith (Orthodoxy) I find there are a great many tools that are exceedingly helpful. However, when your brain chemistry is off and making your life a crazy rollercoaster, how can you even focus on anything else? And this is my issue. I can blame my kids for being loud (but seriously, they're freakin loud) which in turn creates an anxietic reaction within my body, but what about the root of the problem being addressed to alleviate those tendencies linked to certain stimuli?
I've been having more serious thoughts lately, too. What if it can't be fixed? Ever since this therapist suggested the PTSD thing, my thinking has kind of turned up on itself. I used to just think it was the depression which caused EVERYTHING. Seeing now that it's the anxiety which has caused mostly everything, I'm starting to wonder just how far one ccan be healed. This isn't just an issue talking about my sad and pathetic past, this is a matter of literally fixing brain chemistry. Some people can't be fixed. I think I'm afraid of being Some People. At the same time I wouldn't mind removing myself from society, living up in the mountains, in a little cob house, just me and the cats. lol. That would be great, too. But what if i actually NEED that in order to function like a somewhat normal person. No, I may not be having the flashback of childhood things, but I do have flashback-like experiences of other stressful events. Some of them aren't even real. I'm pretty sure that some kind of obsessive disorder issue, but I'm no expert.
Yesterday (monday) was kind of a hard day for me. The kind of day where Im just super fragile and crying for no reason, except that everything becomes a kind of reason. When I get to my therapy and try to hone in on this, somehow the conversation took a turn, and she wanted to focus on things I ALREADY KNEW AND DON'T NEED ADVICE ON HOW TO "MAKE BETTER". FFS, the more I really think about it, the more frustrated I get. It's like no one is f8ing listening to me, and no one really understands my mind or what I'm going through. Please dont' tell me to just light a candle and release my anxiety into the atmosphere. I'm not trying to be mean (although Im incredibly annoyed), but I need HELP to FIX.MY.BRAIN.
Does my ranting just make me sound super self centered?
I did learn one thing that, if I'm honest, I already knew, which was my body is just shutting off because it's exhausted. I can't think clearly, can't focus on reading a book, can't concentrate, can't get enough energy, can't get out of bed somedays, can't bother to care about life some days, because my psyche is trying to tell me to turn off/take a break/recharge. The only issue is that this is a period of time which is all likeliness is way too significant to actually accomplish. So what to do...?
Well I went browsing around the internets and I found a website by an orthodox priestmonk who originally came from a background of hard science (chemistry). Somewhere along the way of his education he decided to follow his other passion of theological studies. He currently writes about - and this is the best way i can describe it since I haven't read too much of his stuff - a merging of cognitive therapy and Orthodoxy. Or maybe its looking at cognitive therapy from the frame of Orthodoxy... I'm not totally sure yet, but he has some books that I'll probably look into. For now I'm just going through his blog, hoping to find little helpful tidbits on the topics. But this seems to be exactly what I was looking for in terms of therapeutic approaches within the real of my faith.
In case anyone is interested:
http://ancientchristianwisdom.com/
So on the topic of my faith (Orthodoxy) I find there are a great many tools that are exceedingly helpful. However, when your brain chemistry is off and making your life a crazy rollercoaster, how can you even focus on anything else? And this is my issue. I can blame my kids for being loud (but seriously, they're freakin loud) which in turn creates an anxietic reaction within my body, but what about the root of the problem being addressed to alleviate those tendencies linked to certain stimuli?
I've been having more serious thoughts lately, too. What if it can't be fixed? Ever since this therapist suggested the PTSD thing, my thinking has kind of turned up on itself. I used to just think it was the depression which caused EVERYTHING. Seeing now that it's the anxiety which has caused mostly everything, I'm starting to wonder just how far one ccan be healed. This isn't just an issue talking about my sad and pathetic past, this is a matter of literally fixing brain chemistry. Some people can't be fixed. I think I'm afraid of being Some People. At the same time I wouldn't mind removing myself from society, living up in the mountains, in a little cob house, just me and the cats. lol. That would be great, too. But what if i actually NEED that in order to function like a somewhat normal person. No, I may not be having the flashback of childhood things, but I do have flashback-like experiences of other stressful events. Some of them aren't even real. I'm pretty sure that some kind of obsessive disorder issue, but I'm no expert.
7/14/15
# Konmari Method of Tidying.
Question: I've been folding my clothes konmari way for ages because I just absolutely hate hangers and the accumulation of them. So when my kids were very young I taught myself to fold compactly, and because i like the look of tightly folding clothes all the same size. BUT - i've absolutely come to hate putting husband's clothes away because he will DESTROY all my work just looking for one shirt, for example. What do others do in this situation? He's doesnt do it on purpose, I just think he doesn't see mess. He cannot fold either. I honestly think there is something in his dna that creates this deficiency, lol. Some people do. Ive given up and don't bother with his stuff anymore. Yet it piles because he's not "tidy". And we dont have closet space to go back to hanging. =/ Advice? My kids used to be bad about this too, but they've gotten better about it. Im a hair away from becoming the sole guardian of everyone's clothes. Or rolling everything suitcase-style and tying with some kind of band. =p
So dang,
Konmari method.
Ive been doing her method of folding for YEARS. lol. If only I'd have known I could have made a living out of such things...sigh.
Ok so you can't see absolutely everything in my laundry basket, but you get the idea - I love to fold in tight, uniform rectangles which allow for very easy stacking or piling of clothing that can be easily seen. I started doing this before I was even married (12 years + ago) when I learned of an organized way to pack suitcases. That method involved putting an outfit together, laying flat, and rolling them together for easy storage. It (supposedly) eliminated wrinkles, solved pairing decisions, & increased storage space. After that, I just started rolling all my clothes individually for my dresser drawers. After that, I entered later university years and used a bookshelf to store clothing. Store bought bookcases are not very deep, and so I had to learn a way of folding that would allow the clothes to fit. This lead to folding neat little packages of clothing that when stacked vertical, or "shelved" like books, looked very pleasing.
So dang,
Konmari method.
Ive been doing her method of folding for YEARS. lol. If only I'd have known I could have made a living out of such things...sigh.
 |
| I like to fold things in uniform size and shape, then stack or pile them. |
Ok so you can't see absolutely everything in my laundry basket, but you get the idea - I love to fold in tight, uniform rectangles which allow for very easy stacking or piling of clothing that can be easily seen. I started doing this before I was even married (12 years + ago) when I learned of an organized way to pack suitcases. That method involved putting an outfit together, laying flat, and rolling them together for easy storage. It (supposedly) eliminated wrinkles, solved pairing decisions, & increased storage space. After that, I just started rolling all my clothes individually for my dresser drawers. After that, I entered later university years and used a bookshelf to store clothing. Store bought bookcases are not very deep, and so I had to learn a way of folding that would allow the clothes to fit. This lead to folding neat little packages of clothing that when stacked vertical, or "shelved" like books, looked very pleasing.
Despite all of this, my house is not as organized as it could be. It's a lot harder when you live with other people, and it tends to overflow in certain areas with clutter. However, there is some method to the madness around here, just not enough that everything has a space, which is a problem. No amount of tidy folding can compensate for too much stuff. Everything needs it's own place. Perhaps I should take more pics and post them for you. I know people like pictures. =) Actually, I don't even think anyone reads this blog. Perhaps that is a good thing.
BTW, we got a new kitty. She's super cute and followed my husband home after he rescued her from a tree. We're going to be the crazy cat house of the neighborhood soon.
6/26/15
# therapy, day3, zuzka light, and other updates.
Therapy is going in a weird way. I've never had therapy quite like this. It seems like a lot of it is just meandering chit chat. It's back and forth as well. I know a lot about my therapist. Is that normal? I actually hate feeling like Im just blabbing on and on in no focused direction. This is probably why I don't chit-chat and small talk very well. It takes a lot of energy to talk about meaningful things. I'm not the kind of person who feels that small talk is easy or beneficial. Why fake it?
Anyway, I think perhaps she's trying to get at the root of my issues in an organic way. If we talk about whatever is on my mind, we'll most definitely get to the heart of my problems eventually. Then I think she tries to break up the intensity with more chit-chat. I guess that's good? I don't even know, and feel like I'm just along for the ride. I'm trying to stay positive about it.
I started...cue the music: dun dun dunnnn...EXERICISING! Ok, it's only been 2 days, but this is the summer of action, remember. In the past I might have done some Zuzka workouts with the intention of getting effing ripped and fit, haha. But then I'd go all turtle again. I actually used to follow her when she was with Bodyrock. That was how many years ago already? And I haven't actually accomplished jack crap. But I'm really wanting to do this properly. I'll be honest: I'm not motivated, I'm not excited, but I'm hopeful and just really want to feel better all around. So - I'm just going to say it - Ima do this.
No, I haven't been taking my vitamins very regularly. I should walk into my bedroom and get them but I'm pretty much done for the night. My husband and I are currently sleeping apart. I have a little day bed in the living room so I can get away from his snoring. I also have been having some back pain from our bed. And I just sometimes need my own space. I wish I could have my own room, but a bed in the living room will have to do for now.
It's been 2 or 3 weeks since the kids have been out of school and we haven't left the house. My fault there. All me. So I'm going to try really hard to take them out to the lake tomorrow. Or the water fountain park. Or my favorite creek an hour away. I feel kind of guilty, but it's also been 113 degrees. I grew up in southern california where my summers of 90 degree weather were normal for me. I don't think I've ever been able to psychologically acclimate to inland norcal valley summer temps. I'm not meant for heat.
Kids have been good so far. They bicker and I sometimes roar at them like a bear for doing stupid shit they know they shouldn't do... like wrestling and running the house. But, as I mentioned, its been over 100 degrees and their wiggles need driving out somehow. I've actually enjoyed having them with me all day, even if they do stress me out. I think I've missed them being in school all day everyday. However, when hubby gets home my brain is done! So that's the hard part.
Ok, off to bed.
Sorry, no kitty pics. I'll beat myself harshly like a house elf.
Anyway, I think perhaps she's trying to get at the root of my issues in an organic way. If we talk about whatever is on my mind, we'll most definitely get to the heart of my problems eventually. Then I think she tries to break up the intensity with more chit-chat. I guess that's good? I don't even know, and feel like I'm just along for the ride. I'm trying to stay positive about it.
I started...cue the music: dun dun dunnnn...EXERICISING! Ok, it's only been 2 days, but this is the summer of action, remember. In the past I might have done some Zuzka workouts with the intention of getting effing ripped and fit, haha. But then I'd go all turtle again. I actually used to follow her when she was with Bodyrock. That was how many years ago already? And I haven't actually accomplished jack crap. But I'm really wanting to do this properly. I'll be honest: I'm not motivated, I'm not excited, but I'm hopeful and just really want to feel better all around. So - I'm just going to say it - Ima do this.
No, I haven't been taking my vitamins very regularly. I should walk into my bedroom and get them but I'm pretty much done for the night. My husband and I are currently sleeping apart. I have a little day bed in the living room so I can get away from his snoring. I also have been having some back pain from our bed. And I just sometimes need my own space. I wish I could have my own room, but a bed in the living room will have to do for now.
It's been 2 or 3 weeks since the kids have been out of school and we haven't left the house. My fault there. All me. So I'm going to try really hard to take them out to the lake tomorrow. Or the water fountain park. Or my favorite creek an hour away. I feel kind of guilty, but it's also been 113 degrees. I grew up in southern california where my summers of 90 degree weather were normal for me. I don't think I've ever been able to psychologically acclimate to inland norcal valley summer temps. I'm not meant for heat.
Kids have been good so far. They bicker and I sometimes roar at them like a bear for doing stupid shit they know they shouldn't do... like wrestling and running the house. But, as I mentioned, its been over 100 degrees and their wiggles need driving out somehow. I've actually enjoyed having them with me all day, even if they do stress me out. I think I've missed them being in school all day everyday. However, when hubby gets home my brain is done! So that's the hard part.
Ok, off to bed.
Sorry, no kitty pics. I'll beat myself harshly like a house elf.
6/20/15
# Watching Cat Videos Serves Useful Purpose, Research Finds via NPR
A survey published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior finds that cat videos can boost a person's mood. Nearly 7,000 people were surveyed about Internet cat videos.
(This was the original purpose of the internets.)
(This was the original purpose of the internets.)
6/15/15
# therapy, day2
Well Im feeling a little bit better about my therapy session today. Our conversation seemed to meander a bit, consisted of many things I already knew, but also had a few helpful tips and insights.
Some basic health tips she gave me were to start taking some Vitamin D and magnesium. Apparently, being deficient in these can lead to a lessened ability to deal with certain stressors, and subsequently lead to symptoms of depression. This is quite interesting considering that I tested as being deficient in Vit D this past winter.
Another tip for dealing with anxiety/depress - which is obvious, but sometimes we just need to be "on notice" - is partaking in exercise or meditation. Apparently 20 or so minutes of meditation can have the same benefits as exercise, but it just takes longer in terms of time (not duration) to feel the effects of those benefits. Now, we didn't discuss exactly the mechanisms or the HOW of what's happening physiologically, but I'm assuming we're talking about biochemical responses. I will research this more and write about that in another post.
I asked her a couple of question on medicinal cannabis, and if she had any ideas why I would start to experience panic attacks from it but we didn't get too far in that conversation, except to say that some people can have opposite effects to what the "drug" is supposed to do. For example: alcohol makes me sleepy, but makes my therapist awake. Coffee can make a person relaxed, another anxious. It just depends on the person. So there you have it.
One big realization that has come to me in the last few days, and especially when considering PTSD as my diagnosis, is that everything - EVERYTHING - stems from the anxiety. This makes sense when I consider my entire childhood was spent walking on eggshells, and waiting for the next bomb to drop, so to speak. She explained that the more anxious you feel, the more your mind/body wants to shut down because everything becomes too overwhelming. In doing so, you can become more isolated and withdrawn, which in turn can lead to the depression. This made so much sense to me. My depression is a product of my anxiety. And if I can get a handle on the anxiety, then I can get a handle on the depression.
We also talked a little bit about medication and neural-pathways. I told her I had read about SSRI's normally being prescribed because they still allow new neural-pathways to be formed, unlike with the heavier anti-psychotics. She agreed and added that not all the SSRIs deal with anxiety, and they are mostly prescribed to only to deal with depression, but it depends on what the patient goes to their doctor for. If a person knows they have anxiety, a medication is prescribed for that. If they know they are depressed, then a medication is prescribed just for that. But since they mostly run together, only one half of the problem is being addressed. And if they actually have both issues going on, a person will likely end up on a cocktail of pharmaceuticals. No thanks.
So Im going to attempt this new phase of healing without meds. Perhaps the occasional rum and coke will suffice my most stressful times.
We talked a little about invasive thoughts, or nightmares. I don't have nightmares but I do (have had) obsessive replays of past events that FELT in my very body as though they were happening all over again - Im talking about panic, I guess. Anyway, she explained that this is still a way the mind tries to sort through traumas, but in a conservationist way. I guess it's a way that's less emotional? I'm not totally sure I understand this yet. But that over a time of talking about it, those obsessional replays become less and less, as well as the anxiety surrounding those events.
We also talked a bit about other "personality traits" i display but already knew about, such as perfectionism. But now that I'm starting to look at things from a different lens, I feel like I may need some time to understand these traits from that different perspective. Maybe not. But I kind of feel like I need to give my brain a chance to absorb and stew over things a bit.
So here is my To-do list:
Some basic health tips she gave me were to start taking some Vitamin D and magnesium. Apparently, being deficient in these can lead to a lessened ability to deal with certain stressors, and subsequently lead to symptoms of depression. This is quite interesting considering that I tested as being deficient in Vit D this past winter.
Another tip for dealing with anxiety/depress - which is obvious, but sometimes we just need to be "on notice" - is partaking in exercise or meditation. Apparently 20 or so minutes of meditation can have the same benefits as exercise, but it just takes longer in terms of time (not duration) to feel the effects of those benefits. Now, we didn't discuss exactly the mechanisms or the HOW of what's happening physiologically, but I'm assuming we're talking about biochemical responses. I will research this more and write about that in another post.
I asked her a couple of question on medicinal cannabis, and if she had any ideas why I would start to experience panic attacks from it but we didn't get too far in that conversation, except to say that some people can have opposite effects to what the "drug" is supposed to do. For example: alcohol makes me sleepy, but makes my therapist awake. Coffee can make a person relaxed, another anxious. It just depends on the person. So there you have it.
One big realization that has come to me in the last few days, and especially when considering PTSD as my diagnosis, is that everything - EVERYTHING - stems from the anxiety. This makes sense when I consider my entire childhood was spent walking on eggshells, and waiting for the next bomb to drop, so to speak. She explained that the more anxious you feel, the more your mind/body wants to shut down because everything becomes too overwhelming. In doing so, you can become more isolated and withdrawn, which in turn can lead to the depression. This made so much sense to me. My depression is a product of my anxiety. And if I can get a handle on the anxiety, then I can get a handle on the depression.
We also talked a little bit about medication and neural-pathways. I told her I had read about SSRI's normally being prescribed because they still allow new neural-pathways to be formed, unlike with the heavier anti-psychotics. She agreed and added that not all the SSRIs deal with anxiety, and they are mostly prescribed to only to deal with depression, but it depends on what the patient goes to their doctor for. If a person knows they have anxiety, a medication is prescribed for that. If they know they are depressed, then a medication is prescribed just for that. But since they mostly run together, only one half of the problem is being addressed. And if they actually have both issues going on, a person will likely end up on a cocktail of pharmaceuticals. No thanks.
So Im going to attempt this new phase of healing without meds. Perhaps the occasional rum and coke will suffice my most stressful times.
We talked a little about invasive thoughts, or nightmares. I don't have nightmares but I do (have had) obsessive replays of past events that FELT in my very body as though they were happening all over again - Im talking about panic, I guess. Anyway, she explained that this is still a way the mind tries to sort through traumas, but in a conservationist way. I guess it's a way that's less emotional? I'm not totally sure I understand this yet. But that over a time of talking about it, those obsessional replays become less and less, as well as the anxiety surrounding those events.
We also talked a bit about other "personality traits" i display but already knew about, such as perfectionism. But now that I'm starting to look at things from a different lens, I feel like I may need some time to understand these traits from that different perspective. Maybe not. But I kind of feel like I need to give my brain a chance to absorb and stew over things a bit.
So here is my To-do list:
- vit D (2000 units)
- magnesium
- exercise (ymca/swim/taichi/trampoline/other)
- sitting outside for 10 minutes
- meditation/prayer (spontaneous and planned)
- carrying food in my bag (hypoglycemia)
6/10/15
BIGGEST REGRETS (Motivation Mondays #1)
I've been having some challenges lately. I don't really know what to do about this whole therapy thing. I'm not sure I want to go through this again. There comes a time in life when you're just done talking about things. You're sick of giving it more power. And, for me, to continue to talk about my past things give it power. Why? Because it still affects me. I want to just leave it in the past. I want to address what my issues are (yes, you have to first understand what they were born out of) move on. This therapist wants me to talk about my past and how it relates to the present, but Im sick of doing that.
Anyway...
I love Kandee and really needed to hear this today. (I know, everyone says that.) I've been watching her for a few years now. She has the best messages that really do inspire. It's a very simplistic message but it draws something special out of me... this desire to get up and go do something with my life, even if it's just going to the grocery store. I might think about starting my day of with one of her inspirational talks. She's a christian and so I understand her perspective on things. However, I do have some issues still, but perhaps that is more my problem and less hers. Regardless, Kandee is one of the best things on Youtube, and that's because she is sweet, silly, loves everybody, and is generally a lovely individual. At least, she seems that way to me.
In other news, I've gone and rearranged my house again. I was having some awful anxiety over the mess, etc etc, blah blah blah, and started moving crap around. However, I actually think this new layout might actually help to relieve some of my stress. I might post some pictures because this is a blog after all.
Anyway...
I love Kandee and really needed to hear this today. (I know, everyone says that.) I've been watching her for a few years now. She has the best messages that really do inspire. It's a very simplistic message but it draws something special out of me... this desire to get up and go do something with my life, even if it's just going to the grocery store. I might think about starting my day of with one of her inspirational talks. She's a christian and so I understand her perspective on things. However, I do have some issues still, but perhaps that is more my problem and less hers. Regardless, Kandee is one of the best things on Youtube, and that's because she is sweet, silly, loves everybody, and is generally a lovely individual. At least, she seems that way to me.
In other news, I've gone and rearranged my house again. I was having some awful anxiety over the mess, etc etc, blah blah blah, and started moving crap around. However, I actually think this new layout might actually help to relieve some of my stress. I might post some pictures because this is a blog after all.
6/3/15
# no pics, therapy, a camping trip
This past monday I had my first appointment with a therapist. I honestly don't know what to expect to get out of it. I honestly think I need some retraining of the brain - I guess its referred to as cognitive therapy - and this lady doesn't like to do that sort of thing. She prefers talking methods. But I'm quite sick of talking. I've talked, I've thought. I pretty much know why i do and feel the things I do. What I need is to channel that knowledge and energy into CHANGE.
The hell?
So I also made the mistake of answering her question of "Are you spiritual" in the affirmative, forgetting that means totally different things to different people. So I'm not too excited about having to hear things about being intuitive to "energies" of people, and angels, and paths that we choose for ourselves before we are even born... ugh. I'm really good at just letting people talk and redirecting the convo onto a more suitable-for-me direction. I'm not so good with telling people I don't buy what their selling.
I'm "spiritual", but not that way.
The only positive thing that came out of it was her telling me she suspected PTSD. Im pretty sure I already knew that as the CAUSE of the depression and anxiety, but it was good to hear some professional confirmation. So I'm feeling a little bit more adventurous in researching various topics through the lens of PTSD. For instance, I can pick up a book on general anxiety and relate it to PTSD for more consistency and effective understanding.
I don't really want to stick with this whole therapy thing. But I should probably not quit just after the first visit. So yes, the therapist freaks me out a bit, she's kind of weird, she seems nice enough... but I just don't know how much faith I put in talking blah blah blah. It's cathartic, sure, and that is why I write a blog. But those energies are just being released into the nether, with no direction. I need FOCUS. And I don't see how talking is going to do that. I've never stuck with talk therapy very long for this reason. It was always the meds that seemed to do more in terms of benefits and "healing".
So we will see.
***
This weekend we are heading to the beach! I'm so excited! It's supposed to be a nice little secluded spot where only tenting is allowed. NO RVs! As one who has been lately taken with the idea of van dwelling and stealth camping, the possibilities for such camping is awesome. Because of the kids, though, we had to buy a tent. But we shall see if they even want to stay in it. It would be nice - and necessary - to have some alone time with the hubby in the van (ooo, yeah), but it might not work out. Still, it's the fricken BEACH! Such excite.
***
That is all for now.
The hell?
So I also made the mistake of answering her question of "Are you spiritual" in the affirmative, forgetting that means totally different things to different people. So I'm not too excited about having to hear things about being intuitive to "energies" of people, and angels, and paths that we choose for ourselves before we are even born... ugh. I'm really good at just letting people talk and redirecting the convo onto a more suitable-for-me direction. I'm not so good with telling people I don't buy what their selling.
I'm "spiritual", but not that way.
The only positive thing that came out of it was her telling me she suspected PTSD. Im pretty sure I already knew that as the CAUSE of the depression and anxiety, but it was good to hear some professional confirmation. So I'm feeling a little bit more adventurous in researching various topics through the lens of PTSD. For instance, I can pick up a book on general anxiety and relate it to PTSD for more consistency and effective understanding.
I don't really want to stick with this whole therapy thing. But I should probably not quit just after the first visit. So yes, the therapist freaks me out a bit, she's kind of weird, she seems nice enough... but I just don't know how much faith I put in talking blah blah blah. It's cathartic, sure, and that is why I write a blog. But those energies are just being released into the nether, with no direction. I need FOCUS. And I don't see how talking is going to do that. I've never stuck with talk therapy very long for this reason. It was always the meds that seemed to do more in terms of benefits and "healing".
So we will see.
***
This weekend we are heading to the beach! I'm so excited! It's supposed to be a nice little secluded spot where only tenting is allowed. NO RVs! As one who has been lately taken with the idea of van dwelling and stealth camping, the possibilities for such camping is awesome. Because of the kids, though, we had to buy a tent. But we shall see if they even want to stay in it. It would be nice - and necessary - to have some alone time with the hubby in the van (ooo, yeah), but it might not work out. Still, it's the fricken BEACH! Such excite.
***
That is all for now.
5/21/15
# making the call
I've located a little mental health clinic where i will be making an appointment to see someone concerning my issues. I don't know what to expect but I'm trying to not be cynical.
My top points of interest will be depression (duh!), anxiety, and invasive thoughts. I was reading more about invasive thoughts and I understand that this is a type of OCD which can be brought on by a number of things. I've always been a little obsessive in thought, but I really see the increase since the anxiety has kicked in post kids.
This all affect me physically as well. Im constantly having dizzy spells which seem to coincide with depressive episodes where Im just knackered, lethargic, and wallowing in my own self pity.
This also goes along with my addictive behavior/personality. Although Im not addicted to drugs - they just freaked me out too much and I hated even being high or drunk - I do get set in my ways in other things. I am addicted to caffeine, sugar, junk food, TV distractions. I'm pretty sure Im even addicted to my depression.
I know I stress eat and this can usually means putting anything into your mouth that is available, however there is a strong desire for something sweet, like chocolate, because its very satisfying and makes you "happy". Of course you have to deal with the i-fee-like-a-fat-cow-after-eating-that-entire-cake effect too, so there's that.
Attached to this morning routine is my morning Starbucks: Sugar, caffeine, comfort. It is completely psychological. And the two activities are so closely tied together that it was difficult to drive this morning without stopping at the drive thru. I tried. I decided I would take my morning drive and just see what happens - just maybe I would be able to bypass the morning joe.
On my way home, and not necessarily driving past the Starbucks, I gave in and took the turn down the road that would eventually lead me there. Pathetic. So i compromised and got a soy chai latte, a slighter better choice than my usual soy white mocha. Actually I don't know if it's better, but I'm going to assume that it is - what?
I've had to break this habit before. I remember that I had to just replace it with something else. I was in the habit of stoping for coffee after taking the kids to school. ... Oh wait, that's essentially what I'm doing now. =/ The best idea would be to replace it with exercising, going for a walk or bike ride. But HOW!?
My top points of interest will be depression (duh!), anxiety, and invasive thoughts. I was reading more about invasive thoughts and I understand that this is a type of OCD which can be brought on by a number of things. I've always been a little obsessive in thought, but I really see the increase since the anxiety has kicked in post kids.
This all affect me physically as well. Im constantly having dizzy spells which seem to coincide with depressive episodes where Im just knackered, lethargic, and wallowing in my own self pity.
This also goes along with my addictive behavior/personality. Although Im not addicted to drugs - they just freaked me out too much and I hated even being high or drunk - I do get set in my ways in other things. I am addicted to caffeine, sugar, junk food, TV distractions. I'm pretty sure Im even addicted to my depression.
I know I stress eat and this can usually means putting anything into your mouth that is available, however there is a strong desire for something sweet, like chocolate, because its very satisfying and makes you "happy". Of course you have to deal with the i-fee-like-a-fat-cow-after-eating-that-entire-cake effect too, so there's that.
View post on imgur.com
But Im also addicted to my morning drives along the backroads in my town. I love to take it slow, enjoy the sunshine and cool air, see the beautiful fields and trees, glimpse the horses who are rolling around in the sun to get warm, laugh at the llamas who munch their grass like camels, spot goats scratching their heads on fences, and chickens chasing each other across a field, and sheepies, and moo-moos... I just love to have this as a morning routine.Attached to this morning routine is my morning Starbucks: Sugar, caffeine, comfort. It is completely psychological. And the two activities are so closely tied together that it was difficult to drive this morning without stopping at the drive thru. I tried. I decided I would take my morning drive and just see what happens - just maybe I would be able to bypass the morning joe.
 |
| Supposed to be an alpaca but doesn't matter because LOOK AT HIM!! |
On my way home, and not necessarily driving past the Starbucks, I gave in and took the turn down the road that would eventually lead me there. Pathetic. So i compromised and got a soy chai latte, a slighter better choice than my usual soy white mocha. Actually I don't know if it's better, but I'm going to assume that it is - what?
I've had to break this habit before. I remember that I had to just replace it with something else. I was in the habit of stoping for coffee after taking the kids to school. ... Oh wait, that's essentially what I'm doing now. =/ The best idea would be to replace it with exercising, going for a walk or bike ride. But HOW!?
 |
| OMG. Im crying. |
5/20/15
# time for a change
I thought i knew what i was going to write here, but it turns out I've gone blank.
***
I'm going to make an appointment with an actual psychologist. Things are not getting better and Im a bit scared to mess around with cannabis again. I like it for how it tones down the anxiety, but i can't trust that it wont cause more panic attacks. Plus, it didn't address the depression, which means I'd have to cycle or find some kind of blend, and I just dont have the patience or brains for that sort of thing right now.
***
You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that medication (pharmaceuticals) is not for everyone. Yet, Im probably going to be talked into getting on something.
I don't think everyone can "recover" either. I can understand why some people are more suited to being a hermit, or living a homeless life, or living so far away from society so as to basically not exist. Can I imagine that? I hope I never have to. Well, except for the living far away from society bit. Only, I sometimes feel like the only thing that would really help me, calm me, make me feel "normal", is to be away from all of society, noise, and common stresses. Is it because modern life is so unnatural? I think that is a distinct possibility.
Some of us, through our personal history and traumas, become very sensitive creatures. Too sensitive. Maybe it makes a difference WHEN you were exposed to the traumas, ie adult vs childhood. Some traumas just change us, down to the atomic level. How do you fight that?
***
I'm going to make an appointment with an actual psychologist. Things are not getting better and Im a bit scared to mess around with cannabis again. I like it for how it tones down the anxiety, but i can't trust that it wont cause more panic attacks. Plus, it didn't address the depression, which means I'd have to cycle or find some kind of blend, and I just dont have the patience or brains for that sort of thing right now.
***
You know what I was thinking?
I was thinking that medication (pharmaceuticals) is not for everyone. Yet, Im probably going to be talked into getting on something.
I don't think everyone can "recover" either. I can understand why some people are more suited to being a hermit, or living a homeless life, or living so far away from society so as to basically not exist. Can I imagine that? I hope I never have to. Well, except for the living far away from society bit. Only, I sometimes feel like the only thing that would really help me, calm me, make me feel "normal", is to be away from all of society, noise, and common stresses. Is it because modern life is so unnatural? I think that is a distinct possibility.
Some of us, through our personal history and traumas, become very sensitive creatures. Too sensitive. Maybe it makes a difference WHEN you were exposed to the traumas, ie adult vs childhood. Some traumas just change us, down to the atomic level. How do you fight that?
5/14/15
# not calm, but not freaking out
I've got my noise cancelling headphones on right now just so I can drown out the loudness of the boys. It helps. Yesterday I actually spent all day out in the living area with everyone, and not hiding in my bedroom like a freaked out kitty. At the moment though I am escaping just a bit, just so I can write and wander the interwebs, looking at vandwelling and van camping sites. Summer is coming.
I'd like to just be able to take the van and LEAVE this suburbia behind. An RV would be awesome, but lets start small, eh! I(we) could go off and explore the local mountains, drive on to the oceanside on a whim, take a nap on the side of the road in one of the small mountain towns along the way, etc. My three boys *might* be ok with this as long as there was comfort. My eldest, though, would probably complain of being bored. The 2 littles would be easier to deal with as I discovered when we had to trek for 2 days in our van whilst returning from my grama's funeral. (I still intend to finish the story...eventually.) I was surprised by their sense of adventure, although Middlest was D-O-N-E with it after 2 days.
Anyway, I'm trying not to go down the rabbit hole of obsessive thought on this issue because I can easily become overwhelmed with the *OH-MY-GOD-I-NEED-TO-FIGURE-THIS-OUT-RIGHT-NOW* compulsions. But I would like to start thinking about some get-a-way plans. The kids truly are what give me the most anxiety on this. Especially if Im planning on traveling alone with them, since Husband works so damn much.
Baby steps, so they say. And perhaps I'll post pictures of improvements, or anything, I do to the van. I can't really modify anything in there, so that limits what "improvements" I can make.
cool article on some van dwellers: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/01/27/mobile-living-vancouver-van-dwellers-housing_n_2560651.html
I'd like to just be able to take the van and LEAVE this suburbia behind. An RV would be awesome, but lets start small, eh! I(we) could go off and explore the local mountains, drive on to the oceanside on a whim, take a nap on the side of the road in one of the small mountain towns along the way, etc. My three boys *might* be ok with this as long as there was comfort. My eldest, though, would probably complain of being bored. The 2 littles would be easier to deal with as I discovered when we had to trek for 2 days in our van whilst returning from my grama's funeral. (I still intend to finish the story...eventually.) I was surprised by their sense of adventure, although Middlest was D-O-N-E with it after 2 days.
Anyway, I'm trying not to go down the rabbit hole of obsessive thought on this issue because I can easily become overwhelmed with the *OH-MY-GOD-I-NEED-TO-FIGURE-THIS-OUT-RIGHT-NOW* compulsions. But I would like to start thinking about some get-a-way plans. The kids truly are what give me the most anxiety on this. Especially if Im planning on traveling alone with them, since Husband works so damn much.
 |
| https://adifferentkindofparadise.wordpress.com/road-abodes/vana/ |
Baby steps, so they say. And perhaps I'll post pictures of improvements, or anything, I do to the van. I can't really modify anything in there, so that limits what "improvements" I can make.
cool article on some van dwellers: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/01/27/mobile-living-vancouver-van-dwellers-housing_n_2560651.html
5/9/15
# am i ready to let go?
<3
I used to do hobby crafts like knitting, sewing, crocheting. I guess I still do these things, but only rarely. For the last 2 days I've been trying to be useful, have some enjoyment, and create some knitting or crochet. But it was going horribly. I was so frustrated because things were not coming out very well, and I was fighting with the yarn, that I would rip it all out and start over with something completely different. After 2 days of this I asked myself - Is this even fun?
I think my current hatred of my old hobbies is a result of my current depressed, low state of mind. If I hate these things, or if they're not fun, or if I'm not really willing to slag though the challenging parts, then why do I keep trying to do them?
So again, my mind is wandering into the realms of a fantasy life of minimalism. But REAL minimalism which would have nothing to distract, little furniture, little clothing, etc.
Perhaps all this is result of me just being thoroughly psychologically stretched for the time being, and incapable of coping with all the ordinary everyday things of life: cleaning house, cleaning everybody else's mess, not getting thank yous, making food that nobody eats (or seriously freaks out over), then being forced to make shit like mac n cheese just so the kids will eat it something.
I don't really know what i should do. I have things I'd like to accomplish but I totally feel like those things are separated from me by a wall of ... everything else I'm supposed to be doing. If you get rid of everything except those 1 or 2 things you want to focus on, it makes sense that you would be more "free" do actually do those things. By "free" I don't just mean time, but also mentally and emotionally. How can you concentrate on certain things (like enjoyment) when you're weighted down by thoughts of the things you NEED to be doing (like cleaning the fucking house again).
Things Im considering letting go of:
most my makeup - much of which is just sitting in a drawer and was initially collected as a sort of compulsion and coping mechanism during depressed moods.
my sewing maching as well as all sewing paraphernalia - was wondering if I could move to hand sewing. I would still love to sew things once in a while, but in a more simplified way.
most of my knitting and crochet paraphernalia - in another time of my life (but even sometimes currently) I just collect pretty yarns for projects I want to do, but then never get around to doing. The hooks and needles don't really take up too much room so I might just stash them somewhere.
my bags/purses - of which i don't actually have an excessive amount, nor do I have fancy ones, but again, they're something i like to collect, especially if they are a cute textile or graphic pattern. Most of them are currently strung up on a hook in the garage.
clothes - this is the hardest one. Nothing fits me good right now. As Im always saying, and doing nothing about, Im a fat cow. Clothes feel and look horrible on me. But in my garage, I have loads of clothes from when I was smaller, and that time doesn't even seem like that long ago. (ugh i have to ditch this line of thinking right now because Im going to lose it and send myself down the dark abyss of self loathing.)
My fantasy minimalist life would consist of something like this:
- very small wardrobe - being skinnier so that everything looks and feels good on
- getting up in the morning and walking out to the kitchen to make coffee - the kitchen would be clean and sparse, as though we had just moved in the day before.
- sitting outside in a quiet backyard (its noisy where we live), drinking coffee, enjoying the cool morning air and being wrapped in a handmade blanket.
- making an easy, light breakfast - while simultaneously starting dinner in the crock pot, of which the entire household would partake and not complain or refuse to eat.
- do some reading with the kids, general learning, chatting, but all the while being calm. (I want to take all their toys and melt them away, but that would be really cruel.)
- never have anyone ask me ever again Can I watch such-and-such on Netflix, or Can I play such-and-such on the computer.
- go outside, walk around, and not have to hear fucking lawnmowers, leaf blowers, cars zooming, lumbar yards, train horns blaring, low airplanes overhead, and whatever else.
These are just some of the things I'd love, but i could go on listing more in boring detail. Perhaps I'll stop here for now.
5/7/15
# emo dump
this is an emo dump.
im in the midst of an amotional fucking somthing or other.
i nearly crashed the car bacause i lost my shit at on eo fth ekids.
i cant even concentrate right now.
i just took a ton of tincture. please god i hope it works.
i keep having thhese infvasive thoughts/feelings where i want to bash my head in the fucking wall.
over and over and over again.
i fucking hate myself.
i want to bleed all over the fucking carpet.
and yell.
i hate my fucking kids.
and love them at the same time.
i picture their litle faces and i want to cry.
one of them is having abirthday tomorrow.
and i fucking hate him right now.
he's my full autistic one.
i dont blame him for me loosing my shit because iw as already on the fucking precipice.
but he would not shut the fuck up.
the tension from fucking noise gets to me so bad sometimes.
am i a fucking ptsd person?
am i fucking ocd in a way?
is this fucking all residual from my early homelife?
still?
FUCKK
I dont even know what to write right now.
im just writing the first things coming to my mind.
FUCK
which is why every other word is fuck.
deep breathing.
typing out these words.
im feeling myself slow down a little bit.
husband isnt here.
and i miss him.
crying.
dizzy.
cant breath.
i want to run away in to the mountains.
dont bring any toys.
read a fucking book.
draw some shit.
crochet or knit.
but oh my god i fucking sucked at it today.
im a loser.?
im a loser sometimes.
im a fucking loser.
i can't even be a proper mother.
or homemaker.
i want to not be a loser at those things.
but i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate feeling like a prisoner.
everything i do is crap;
im in the midst of an amotional fucking somthing or other.
i nearly crashed the car bacause i lost my shit at on eo fth ekids.
i cant even concentrate right now.
i just took a ton of tincture. please god i hope it works.
i keep having thhese infvasive thoughts/feelings where i want to bash my head in the fucking wall.
over and over and over again.
i fucking hate myself.
i want to bleed all over the fucking carpet.
and yell.
i hate my fucking kids.
and love them at the same time.
i picture their litle faces and i want to cry.
one of them is having abirthday tomorrow.
and i fucking hate him right now.
he's my full autistic one.
i dont blame him for me loosing my shit because iw as already on the fucking precipice.
but he would not shut the fuck up.
the tension from fucking noise gets to me so bad sometimes.
am i a fucking ptsd person?
am i fucking ocd in a way?
is this fucking all residual from my early homelife?
still?
FUCKK
I dont even know what to write right now.
im just writing the first things coming to my mind.
FUCK
which is why every other word is fuck.
deep breathing.
typing out these words.
im feeling myself slow down a little bit.
husband isnt here.
and i miss him.
crying.
dizzy.
cant breath.
i want to run away in to the mountains.
dont bring any toys.
read a fucking book.
draw some shit.
crochet or knit.
but oh my god i fucking sucked at it today.
im a loser.?
im a loser sometimes.
im a fucking loser.
i can't even be a proper mother.
or homemaker.
i want to not be a loser at those things.
but i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate feeling like a prisoner.
everything i do is crap;
4/21/15
# death in the family & a long journey. part2
As i've said before, my family life was pretty shit. Dad was alcoholic with nontreated depression/bipolar disorder which only got worse over time. He used to regularly cycle between the alcohol and weed which no doubt exacerbated the natural chemical imbalances until there was permanent damage. As of today, he still does not live in reality.
My grandparents basically raised me and my brother and many of my cousins. Their house was like a small island of normal in an ocean of crazy. I loved being with my grandparents, and spending weekends at their house after being there all week. I think childhood was made bearable because of them.
It wasn't until my early 20s that I really made the effort to gtfo of the area and away from my family. I had moved out previously and, if I'm honest, I was really hoping to start a new life and get married to my then boyfriend. But, because I was mental and going through my own emotional crap, I cheated on him and fuq'd the whole thing up. (I've made peace with myself over this, however. And strangely he still comes around to my blogs... Or I guess it could be his controlling girlfriend, I don't know. Anyway...)
So at 22 I moved "away". At the time I think my dad was also living with my grandparents, making visiting them all but impossible. Perhaps my memory is not so good here, because this is also the age when my grampa died. I remember it was my dad who helped carry my grampa inside the house after he had a stroke. Either way, my dad was in some form or another a wedge between me and my grandparents. My grama would defend him (before she really understood there was something seriously wrong with him) and my grampa didn't want to get in the mix of it. I feel bad for what they had to go through, though.
to be continued:
My grandparents basically raised me and my brother and many of my cousins. Their house was like a small island of normal in an ocean of crazy. I loved being with my grandparents, and spending weekends at their house after being there all week. I think childhood was made bearable because of them.
It wasn't until my early 20s that I really made the effort to gtfo of the area and away from my family. I had moved out previously and, if I'm honest, I was really hoping to start a new life and get married to my then boyfriend. But, because I was mental and going through my own emotional crap, I cheated on him and fuq'd the whole thing up. (I've made peace with myself over this, however. And strangely he still comes around to my blogs... Or I guess it could be his controlling girlfriend, I don't know. Anyway...)
So at 22 I moved "away". At the time I think my dad was also living with my grandparents, making visiting them all but impossible. Perhaps my memory is not so good here, because this is also the age when my grampa died. I remember it was my dad who helped carry my grampa inside the house after he had a stroke. Either way, my dad was in some form or another a wedge between me and my grandparents. My grama would defend him (before she really understood there was something seriously wrong with him) and my grampa didn't want to get in the mix of it. I feel bad for what they had to go through, though.
to be continued:
4/20/15
# death in the family & a long journey. part1
I need to write this down before it all becomes a fog in my brain. I will have to do this in installments because it's even too much for me to wade through everything. My goal is to write a little bit about it every day. There's been lots of drama and sadness for me, and I'd like to remember things as clearly as I can for future reference.
My grama passed away on April 10th, one day before her would-be 94th birthday. I loved my grama. She and my grampa pretty much raised me. Their home was like an asylum from the shit chaos my actual home was. Sadly, I didn't see her very much since moving so far away in my mid twenties. Even before then there was a bit of a rift between me and my gramparents thanks to my jerk of a dad. But traveling freeways is not something that i enjoy doing, or am able to do without a lot of stress. She lived in So Cal, where I grew up. After leaving the area I've rarely ever felt the need to return to live there. My heart cannot stand the crowded, concrete, ugly face that is southern california. But now that my grama is gone, any last connection I had to the area is pretty much gone, and this is causing me some conflict.
to be continued:+
My grama passed away on April 10th, one day before her would-be 94th birthday. I loved my grama. She and my grampa pretty much raised me. Their home was like an asylum from the shit chaos my actual home was. Sadly, I didn't see her very much since moving so far away in my mid twenties. Even before then there was a bit of a rift between me and my gramparents thanks to my jerk of a dad. But traveling freeways is not something that i enjoy doing, or am able to do without a lot of stress. She lived in So Cal, where I grew up. After leaving the area I've rarely ever felt the need to return to live there. My heart cannot stand the crowded, concrete, ugly face that is southern california. But now that my grama is gone, any last connection I had to the area is pretty much gone, and this is causing me some conflict.
to be continued:+
3/19/15
# trying to calm down from overdose of adrenaline
I have a really hard time when people confront me, or want to debate, or if some conversation even sounds kind of aggressive. I don't mean I get confronted all the time for things I've done wrong, but like if someone wants to take me on in an issue, even if it's just to know what my thoughts are on it.
Ok, so like today:
My husband's office mate is a christian speaker/teacher. He goes around to various christian churches and speaks on biblical things, I guess. He's part of the very protestant, and evangelical, and nondenomenational kind of christian tradition that is very common here in America.
Within the last year we have actually left behind that kind of tradition, and are soon to be baptised into the Orthodox church. (Im so happy about this!) I have a whole story about how it's come about that we are converting to Eastern Orthodoxy, but I won't go into it right now because it would take too long to try and explain. But basically, Hubby's office mate likes to give him a bit of teasing over this - saying he's joining a cult, etc. There are plenty of theological differences for all the similarities one would find between the various christian "denomintations". (By the way, Eastern Orthodox see itself as existing pre-denominations, which after studying a bit on this I do agree is true. But anyway...)
So I took lunch to Hubby and sat with him in his office that he shares with his co-worker. So of course, some of the questions about our current spiritual path come up. I won't delve into what exactly we talked about, but I mostly just wanted to note that I tend to get very stressed out during situations like this.
I don't like feeling that I'm debating, or having to defend myself, or prove a point. I suppose that after a few of these kind of sessions I would probably relax and just go with the flow of the conversation, but I don't like being put on the spot. I'm not a great speaker, and sometimes I'm barely articulate. I forget main points. I stammer. I can't breath. My heart races. I get very hot in the face.
It's just so not comfortable for me.
In the end, I think the convo went alright, and it seemed that Office-mate was genuinely curious about my experience. Neither one of us tried to change the other's point of view, I surely wouldn't try this with anybody. But I did feel like there was a bit of an ulterior motive in his approach of conversation. Needless to say, most protestants have a very strong view on how one can do 'christian-ing', if you get my meaning. Orthodox church says, We are here for you to be your guide, as a mother guides her children. She teaches fasting, but the Orthodox don't say that one is going to hell if you don't fast enough for example, which is I think what a lot of protestants think we do.
Eh, whatevs.
Anyway, it's been hours since i got home and I'm still not recovered. My adrenaline rushes are always either On or Off, and lately it seems like somebody lodged the switch in the on position. My body's Fight or Flight is way too sensitive. So now I'm feeling sick, slightly shaky with a bit of a headache. And I'm not sure how to deal with this side of my chemical imbalance.
Ugh, enter stress eating. lol
xOXOx
Ok, so like today:
My husband's office mate is a christian speaker/teacher. He goes around to various christian churches and speaks on biblical things, I guess. He's part of the very protestant, and evangelical, and nondenomenational kind of christian tradition that is very common here in America.
 |
| *tacklehug!* |
Within the last year we have actually left behind that kind of tradition, and are soon to be baptised into the Orthodox church. (Im so happy about this!) I have a whole story about how it's come about that we are converting to Eastern Orthodoxy, but I won't go into it right now because it would take too long to try and explain. But basically, Hubby's office mate likes to give him a bit of teasing over this - saying he's joining a cult, etc. There are plenty of theological differences for all the similarities one would find between the various christian "denomintations". (By the way, Eastern Orthodox see itself as existing pre-denominations, which after studying a bit on this I do agree is true. But anyway...)
 |
| So soft and sweet and ZOMG *Tacklehug!* |
So I took lunch to Hubby and sat with him in his office that he shares with his co-worker. So of course, some of the questions about our current spiritual path come up. I won't delve into what exactly we talked about, but I mostly just wanted to note that I tend to get very stressed out during situations like this.
 |
| shhhh, tacklehug gently |
I don't like feeling that I'm debating, or having to defend myself, or prove a point. I suppose that after a few of these kind of sessions I would probably relax and just go with the flow of the conversation, but I don't like being put on the spot. I'm not a great speaker, and sometimes I'm barely articulate. I forget main points. I stammer. I can't breath. My heart races. I get very hot in the face.
It's just so not comfortable for me.
 |
| So tired from all the tacklehugging =) |
In the end, I think the convo went alright, and it seemed that Office-mate was genuinely curious about my experience. Neither one of us tried to change the other's point of view, I surely wouldn't try this with anybody. But I did feel like there was a bit of an ulterior motive in his approach of conversation. Needless to say, most protestants have a very strong view on how one can do 'christian-ing', if you get my meaning. Orthodox church says, We are here for you to be your guide, as a mother guides her children. She teaches fasting, but the Orthodox don't say that one is going to hell if you don't fast enough for example, which is I think what a lot of protestants think we do.
Eh, whatevs.
Anyway, it's been hours since i got home and I'm still not recovered. My adrenaline rushes are always either On or Off, and lately it seems like somebody lodged the switch in the on position. My body's Fight or Flight is way too sensitive. So now I'm feeling sick, slightly shaky with a bit of a headache. And I'm not sure how to deal with this side of my chemical imbalance.
Ugh, enter stress eating. lol
 |
| nomsnomsnomsnoms |
xOXOx
3/16/15
# i either need to be on or off
I found this funny image online:
This really made me smile considering all my issues with social media and technology. I love blogging, though. It really helps me sort through thoughts and get restless energy out. But lets be real - I would rather stay home and read a book than socialize. I would rather stick my face in a newspaper and pretend to be intently reading than talk to a random stranger for no reason other than to socialize.
I really need to establish new habits because Twitter is not a good outlet for me, but because I have a bit of a compulsion to "express my thoughts", Im likely to do it there. It's fast, easy, but not productive, with the exception of a few fun things. Most people do longer-Twitter on Facebook, but thank goodness I've gotten out of that habit. So why is Twitter so hard? I don't even follow anyone I know IRL, and neither to they follow me. It's a weird entity to me. (By the way, the twitter listed for the blog is not the account to which I'm referring.)
I expect I'll still go back and forth on this issue until I can gather the will or whatever, make some new habits, and escape the Twitterverse. Its sometimes quite toxic, too, especially for overly emotional types. And what the hell can really be expressed appropriately in 140 characters?
This really made me smile considering all my issues with social media and technology. I love blogging, though. It really helps me sort through thoughts and get restless energy out. But lets be real - I would rather stay home and read a book than socialize. I would rather stick my face in a newspaper and pretend to be intently reading than talk to a random stranger for no reason other than to socialize.
I really need to establish new habits because Twitter is not a good outlet for me, but because I have a bit of a compulsion to "express my thoughts", Im likely to do it there. It's fast, easy, but not productive, with the exception of a few fun things. Most people do longer-Twitter on Facebook, but thank goodness I've gotten out of that habit. So why is Twitter so hard? I don't even follow anyone I know IRL, and neither to they follow me. It's a weird entity to me. (By the way, the twitter listed for the blog is not the account to which I'm referring.)
I expect I'll still go back and forth on this issue until I can gather the will or whatever, make some new habits, and escape the Twitterverse. Its sometimes quite toxic, too, especially for overly emotional types. And what the hell can really be expressed appropriately in 140 characters?
3/13/15
# im going to barf
OK, there is definitely a connection between my vertigo and stress. I've been hella stressed all day today.
☆ I heard from a cousin this morning that my grama is not doing very well, and that i should go and see her before she forgets who i am. She lives on the other end of the state, about 12 hours away. And there's lots of baggage there, too. But i love my grama, and I need to go.
☆ I've been receiving more visits from my Pasadena based lurker, ie ex bf. - The proxies just aren't working, sweeheart.
I've been trying to consider what to do about this. I can't explain again the Whys of why this bothers me, but basically i don't trust his intentions. I especially dont like the idea that it also may be his girlfriend viewing. So I'm taking a chance and addressing my concerns directly to him.
I initially wrote something on that blog last night, but took it down earlier today. I don't know why, but I decided to compose a more amicable email asking him why he's lurking me. Tonight I saw a lovely visit from someone from Germany, using the same vpn with the same systems stats as him. Yay.
So I have my email pretty much ready to go with screenshots to show that I KNOW what's going on.
But do I send it? The anxiety in my chest over all of this has caused my bout of vertigo today, i know it.
The anxiety in my chest while i was writing and collecting screenshots was overwhelming.
The anxiety i get just from thinking about his response makes me ill. The fact that he might respond to me gives me butterflies, not in a good or pleasant way at all. I don't want to have a response from him.
And yet... I feel that i need to address this directly.
So what do I do...
I guess I'll let you know.
☆ I heard from a cousin this morning that my grama is not doing very well, and that i should go and see her before she forgets who i am. She lives on the other end of the state, about 12 hours away. And there's lots of baggage there, too. But i love my grama, and I need to go.
☆ I've been receiving more visits from my Pasadena based lurker, ie ex bf. - The proxies just aren't working, sweeheart.
I've been trying to consider what to do about this. I can't explain again the Whys of why this bothers me, but basically i don't trust his intentions. I especially dont like the idea that it also may be his girlfriend viewing. So I'm taking a chance and addressing my concerns directly to him.
I initially wrote something on that blog last night, but took it down earlier today. I don't know why, but I decided to compose a more amicable email asking him why he's lurking me. Tonight I saw a lovely visit from someone from Germany, using the same vpn with the same systems stats as him. Yay.
So I have my email pretty much ready to go with screenshots to show that I KNOW what's going on.
But do I send it? The anxiety in my chest over all of this has caused my bout of vertigo today, i know it.
The anxiety in my chest while i was writing and collecting screenshots was overwhelming.
The anxiety i get just from thinking about his response makes me ill. The fact that he might respond to me gives me butterflies, not in a good or pleasant way at all. I don't want to have a response from him.
And yet... I feel that i need to address this directly.
So what do I do...
I guess I'll let you know.
3/11/15
3/9/15
# suicide fantasies
I saw something on FB that made me think of something concerting suicide, my fantasies, invasive thoughts, and utterly feeling like life is just too hard. I have, in the past, and like many other depressives, have wanted to die. When I was around 10 years old I used to pray every night that I could die in my sleep. I used to cry and ask God to let me just not wake up. So in my young-adult and adult years, those desires were definitely felt much more strongly due to the dramas that naturally occur in life. Of course, when I was younger I was living in a house full of chaos, verbal and emotional abuses, alcohol, wife beatings... *sigh*, you get the idea and I don't want to rattle off my list of wonderful memories.
Anyway, onto my point of this thing:
I'm always amazed by the fact that I never did myself in. There were so many times when things were so bad for me (mentally/emotionally) that I just wanted it to all end. Yet, I never went through with it. Why? I have no idea.
Some people might say that I was strong, or that I am strong because I endured my horrible low times. Those times were painful. They made me sick. Made me so exhausted. But I've never thought of myself as strong. In fact, I think of myself as being weak just because I do deal with depression. What's really kind of sick is that I've definitely always thought of myself as being weak for NOT doing myself in. Perhaps that is because I have no sense of positive self-esteem, I don't know.
The page I follow in particular on Facebook that deals with depression and other mental health issues is called Stand Against Stigma. I don't like to follow too many mental health feeds because I find they just sort of send me down the rabbit hole of bad juju.
# i couldnt find any cats. Plus, noise sucks.
noise.
The biggest thing that will fray a depressed, anxious, nervy person is loud noise. I would say that even loud music can be overwhelming. But mostly noise. Just. Noise.
One of the reasons i long and pine for living in "wilderness" is a hopeful escape from lawnmowers, race car track which will be busy during the summer, loud cars whizing by, the waves of the freeway (yes, I can hear the freeway from quite a way's away), the odd trains going by, and early morning beeping of equipment from the nearby lumber yard. My kids I have to take with me.
Loud noises have made me want to throw my head into a wall, and it's not always convenient to wear my noise cancelling headphones, which work pretty good but make listening to music kind of hard. I would say that for calming it is nice to listen to relaxing music at a reasonable volume. And the website A Soft Murmur is great for calming ambient sounds. I highly recommend the singing bells with thunder, and then hit the Meander button. You're welcome.
xOxOXoXo
The biggest thing that will fray a depressed, anxious, nervy person is loud noise. I would say that even loud music can be overwhelming. But mostly noise. Just. Noise.
One of the reasons i long and pine for living in "wilderness" is a hopeful escape from lawnmowers, race car track which will be busy during the summer, loud cars whizing by, the waves of the freeway (yes, I can hear the freeway from quite a way's away), the odd trains going by, and early morning beeping of equipment from the nearby lumber yard. My kids I have to take with me.
Loud noises have made me want to throw my head into a wall, and it's not always convenient to wear my noise cancelling headphones, which work pretty good but make listening to music kind of hard. I would say that for calming it is nice to listen to relaxing music at a reasonable volume. And the website A Soft Murmur is great for calming ambient sounds. I highly recommend the singing bells with thunder, and then hit the Meander button. You're welcome.
xOxOXoXo
2/14/15
# I got a feeling that somebody's watching me
# I got a feeling that somebody's watching me:
Again, {someone} was using a vpn to view my picture blog. I just find it very interesting that NOONE else even goes to that blog (yes, I still have a statcounter for it, lol), and now proxied visits have occurred TWICE! I don't think they know how to use vpns because even though it tried to encrypt the urls, the term "Proxy" is included in it, lol. Plus, system stats weren't scraped. A previous visit had the same issue except it actually listed the same "location" as matched their previous non-proxied visits. The funny thing is, had they not logged into the vpn and just used the proxy web browser (I tested this) I would not have known they were even using a proxy. It's just quite silly. Truth be know, I kind of like it when these things happen. I just don't know what to do about it, if anything.
I know it's my ex... Or his stupid girlfriend. It has to be. There is no other logical explanation and the puzzle pieces seem to fit, indicating so.
Of course, I could be wrong. But I'm not.
;)
*******************
Valentine's Day:
On a happier and sweeter note: my middle kiddo (who is autistic) put me in my place the other day. He was presenting to me all the candy he received from school during the Valentine's party day. I was not looking forward to the junk he was going to bring home, and I don't much care for these types of parties which dole out sugary treats to kids who don't need them. Anyway, I reacted with, "Ewwwws," and "Grosssss!". After a few of my outbursts he politely told me in his sweet voice, and still somewhat broken language, "Well, my teacher gave this candy to me, and she said Happy Valentine's day. So you don't have to be rude."
I was stunned. I started to laugh in part because I was embarrassed, but mostly because his discourse was just so adorable. But he was entirely correct, and I told him so. I promptly apologized, holding in my giggles as best I could. And he was so sweet about it. Normally he chews me out when I do things "wrong", or not according to his expectations, lol. This little exchange between us was really a treat for me. I was proud of him, even though he made me feel foolish.
;)
**************
1/28/15
# running into trees
Stresses have been so high for me lately. I dread being home in the day with eldest. I will sometimes emerge from the bedroom very late in the morning because i dread dealing with his own drama and hyperactive personality. In actuality, i can't deal/ handle it.
So i sometimes shut down.
Shutting down is good and helpful. It keeps me from going apeshit, or postal, or whatever other descriptor you like for 'going crazy'.
But sometimes i am unable to do this, and get pushed near the edge where the invasive thoughts start to really disturb.
Today, as i was approaching a curve in the road, i imagined slamming into a tree there. Those thoughts and feelings are so automatic, reactionary, and without logic. In fact, i had to talk sense back into myself and say something like, "You don't really want to do that. Once you get calm you will see."
These are things i hate dealing with, and am also too used to. At what point do i say enough is enough? At what point am i a literal danger to people?
And do i even mention that my kids were also in the car?
So i sometimes shut down.
Shutting down is good and helpful. It keeps me from going apeshit, or postal, or whatever other descriptor you like for 'going crazy'.
But sometimes i am unable to do this, and get pushed near the edge where the invasive thoughts start to really disturb.
Today, as i was approaching a curve in the road, i imagined slamming into a tree there. Those thoughts and feelings are so automatic, reactionary, and without logic. In fact, i had to talk sense back into myself and say something like, "You don't really want to do that. Once you get calm you will see."
These are things i hate dealing with, and am also too used to. At what point do i say enough is enough? At what point am i a literal danger to people?
And do i even mention that my kids were also in the car?
1/22/15
# paralyzed
Im pretty paralyzed at the moment due to some anxiety.
I havent been able to juice because the house is a wreck (the wreck makes my chest tight with anxiety) and looking at the veg or mess just make me freeze.
So i end up walking away.
Pretty familiar. Still a fucking irritating thing to deal with.
Im also super down on myself for being a fucking ugly ass woman.
I hate wearing makeup. I only started really collecting and wearing it the last couple of years.
My skin is shit, with acne, or very large, red scars.
My skin has sun damage, wrinkled areas, blotchiness... its FUGLY.
I hate looking at myself. But Im obsessed with trying to look LESS ugly.
Its fucking hopeless. I sometimes dont know what my husband sees in me.
The stupid part? The makeup makes me look worse!
Im wasting my life watching video after video of YT makeup demos that don't even do anything positive for me.
Im a fat cow.
Im useless at homemaking.
Im useless and homeschooling.
Im useless at cooking.
Im useless at taking care of the kids.
Im just a fucking waste of space.
Im obsessed / fixated on things that I wish I just didn't give a shit about.
I hate the internet and all its distractions. I wander the webs in "escape" and procrastination, only to end up feeling worse at the end of the day.
My husband won't get rid of the internet and is in fucking love with all this shitty technology surrounding us.
I would be much better off, and happier, in the mountains with minimal things to distract me and clutter up my head.
Why won't he fucking help me!?
I havent been able to juice because the house is a wreck (the wreck makes my chest tight with anxiety) and looking at the veg or mess just make me freeze.
So i end up walking away.
Pretty familiar. Still a fucking irritating thing to deal with.
Im also super down on myself for being a fucking ugly ass woman.
I hate wearing makeup. I only started really collecting and wearing it the last couple of years.
My skin is shit, with acne, or very large, red scars.
My skin has sun damage, wrinkled areas, blotchiness... its FUGLY.
I hate looking at myself. But Im obsessed with trying to look LESS ugly.
Its fucking hopeless. I sometimes dont know what my husband sees in me.
The stupid part? The makeup makes me look worse!
Im wasting my life watching video after video of YT makeup demos that don't even do anything positive for me.
Im a fat cow.
Im useless at homemaking.
Im useless and homeschooling.
Im useless at cooking.
Im useless at taking care of the kids.
Im just a fucking waste of space.
Im obsessed / fixated on things that I wish I just didn't give a shit about.
I hate the internet and all its distractions. I wander the webs in "escape" and procrastination, only to end up feeling worse at the end of the day.
My husband won't get rid of the internet and is in fucking love with all this shitty technology surrounding us.
I would be much better off, and happier, in the mountains with minimal things to distract me and clutter up my head.
Why won't he fucking help me!?
1/10/15
# juicing and my period. o0
I've made an interesting observation this month where my period has been really light. I normally flow heavy, am exhausted, terribly moody, but too tired to really care about things like I normally would. Example: my kids are being super loud or fighting, and I just don't have the energy to care. Like, my Give-A-Damn just goes broken. But the last few weeks we've been trying to juice at least one glass everyday, and I think it's given me more energy/lighter flow for this months period cycle.
This is only a guess as to why the change, and while it sounds like a really good situation, the result was less than. My moods were REALLY bad. I was so angry, irritated, and just generally really bitchy. I was really confused about where all the extra PMS came from, which always lasts for a couple days after my period, and why it seemed more intense.
I was so stressed out from being...well...stressed out. It sucked. Then I realized that my flow was lighter and that was probably the reason I had more energy... which was now able to be focused toward experiencing more effective shitty moods. Yay.
I would rather be in bed with cramps, and utterly drained, than have more energy so I can be pissed off and yelling at everybody. Seriously, it was shit.
Perhaps it would have been a good opportunity to take some tincture, but since I don't have much left (and have to renew my "green" card) I sort of didn't think about it.
*******
As far as general sleepiness,
I have found that taking Zzquil can be a good thing. This past week I also tried to consistently take some sleep aid to deal with this insomnia. It has helped, I can't deny. Getting better sleep has led to having more energy during the day and I generally feel a bit happier, probably because I'm getting out and doing a little bit more.
But like tonight, it's 3:30 in the morning and i'm just sitting here typing onto a screen, listening to the local police scanner.
I'm going to try and get to bed, and sneak in some cuddles with the husband.
This is only a guess as to why the change, and while it sounds like a really good situation, the result was less than. My moods were REALLY bad. I was so angry, irritated, and just generally really bitchy. I was really confused about where all the extra PMS came from, which always lasts for a couple days after my period, and why it seemed more intense.
I was so stressed out from being...well...stressed out. It sucked. Then I realized that my flow was lighter and that was probably the reason I had more energy... which was now able to be focused toward experiencing more effective shitty moods. Yay.
I would rather be in bed with cramps, and utterly drained, than have more energy so I can be pissed off and yelling at everybody. Seriously, it was shit.
Perhaps it would have been a good opportunity to take some tincture, but since I don't have much left (and have to renew my "green" card) I sort of didn't think about it.
*******
As far as general sleepiness,
I have found that taking Zzquil can be a good thing. This past week I also tried to consistently take some sleep aid to deal with this insomnia. It has helped, I can't deny. Getting better sleep has led to having more energy during the day and I generally feel a bit happier, probably because I'm getting out and doing a little bit more.
But like tonight, it's 3:30 in the morning and i'm just sitting here typing onto a screen, listening to the local police scanner.
I'm going to try and get to bed, and sneak in some cuddles with the husband.
1/4/15
# more insomnia. halp.
I am up writing because I can't sleep. It's nearly 5 am. I have to be up in the morning as well but I don't know how I'm going to do it. Usually bedtime insomnia will accompany my depression but this is THE WORST it has - i'm tempted to say - it's ever been. What sucks is that the wall of sleepies hits me and I actually fall asleep for a short bit of time. Then I burst awake and just can't get back to sleep.
I've regularly been able to go unconscious around this time of the morning, and not wake up until past noon. This is not good when I'm supposed to be looking after the kiddos. Eldest has been getting them all cereal, which is lovely, and they'll tend to play pretty well together while I'm passed out. I think they've figured out my pattern so they kind of know they can't depend on me for much, and they will try to sort out their own problems without me. On the one hand I'm pleased they could be so independent for still being quite young. On the other hand... well, that really sucks for them to know that mom can't be relied on for half the day.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even know why I can't fall asleep. In fact, I think it's a laundry list of reasons and I just don't know that i can tackle everything on that list. I don't even know if it will help. When I try to imagine just what it is that I want - what it is that would help me go to sleep - I think of
I've regularly been able to go unconscious around this time of the morning, and not wake up until past noon. This is not good when I'm supposed to be looking after the kiddos. Eldest has been getting them all cereal, which is lovely, and they'll tend to play pretty well together while I'm passed out. I think they've figured out my pattern so they kind of know they can't depend on me for much, and they will try to sort out their own problems without me. On the one hand I'm pleased they could be so independent for still being quite young. On the other hand... well, that really sucks for them to know that mom can't be relied on for half the day.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even know why I can't fall asleep. In fact, I think it's a laundry list of reasons and I just don't know that i can tackle everything on that list. I don't even know if it will help. When I try to imagine just what it is that I want - what it is that would help me go to sleep - I think of
- a clean area (not a clunked up bedroom),
- no snoring from the husband would be priority,
- along with: no noises of any kind, hums of electronics, or rumbles of heaters, cats walking around, kids rolling into the walls, etc.
- My bed is really uncomfortable too, but is a really fancy foam one that's good for hubby's back. As a result of this, and his snoring, I often end up sleeping on the couch, which is not great but better.
- Complete darkness would probably help, too. We leave a few string lights on because the kids wake up in the night and would freak out in complete darkness.
I don't know what else would be helpful. Im always cold but will sometimes get hot under our comforter. But other than that, I don't know what I could do besides down some Zzquil or other sleeping potion. All I know is that this REALLY REALLY sucks. And because I haven't been sleeping I'm often a raving bitch with huge crepey bags under my eyes.
1/2/15
# drunk history... for giggles
Drunk History "Detroit"
So this show, Drunk History, has been out for a looong time. But it was quite the mood lifter for me today. It actually made me laugh out loud a few times, which was ... fun. It was also a fair bit uncomfortable, too. Drunk people are usually very annoying when you're the sober one, so some aspects of the show are kind of embarrassing.
I've been feeling crap these past few days - like the kind of crap where Im literally in bed all day, agitated by loud noises, fatigued, shades not drawn, still in my pjs for days, just let me sleep, kind of crap. But today hubby had off so we spent a majority of it in bed, having emotional *business time* and marathon tv. It was glorious for this turtling depressive.
Tomorrow I have planned to tackle some of these messy piles throughout the house. Shit is a wreck around here, and it's very stressful just to look at. So, one thing at a time, I'm going to TRY and not get overwhelmed, and just clean a small portion of my room. Hopefully that will be the impetus I need to go on autopilot and tackle other parts of the house.
I've also decided it's time to re-dye my hair. Yay! I've actually been excited about this for weeks, yet just haven't had the energy to leave the house and be around people in order to pick up supplies. Maybe I'll be able to tomorrow. My black hair has missed being pink. Since cutting off my ugly dreadlocks, I've been pining for my long, curly, pink hair. I honestly believe that having bright colored hair helps with my moods (sometimes.) When I was thinner it definitely did, but I was a lot more motivated to do things I just can't do as a married mom of 3 little 'uns. Or is that just my excuse?
1/1/15
# new years eve
So what did you do?
I literally forgot it was new years eve. Around midnight I heard popping sounds outside and thought it was gusty winds blowing our fence around again. When the husband said it was fireworks I replied, "Why are there fireworks?" #facepalm
I've just been so tired and sick of this holiday month of december. I'm hoping that next year I'll be able to create a different environment, have a better attitude.. just TRY a little bit more. The difficult thing is that I really don't want to. How typical, eh.
I have been really enjoying this fireplace vid. There is another one on Netflix but it's a little too clean sounding. This has a bit more of that roaring sound from the flames actually consuming the wood, and not just the cracks and pops (which are divine). The kids have even begun to ask me to put it on the big TV with some classical music. Aww, they're so supportive.
*****
Something that SHOULD be a non-issue occurred several days ago when someone tried to use a proxy to view one of my blogs. Well they did use a proxy but my stat tool can detect one IP past the proxy and ... all the info showing for it was pretty much the same as my exbf (dude I had huge fall-out with some time ago.) He's also, apparently, not very good with a proxy.
I honestly don't like drama but realize that I fixate more than I should on some things. The issue of people from my past (ex bf's) lurking on my sites is one of them. I still can't 100% confirm that it was him, but certain things in this newest visit record matched his previous visit info, coupled with some other weird stuff that happened just the day prior, that Im compelled to think that it was him or his live-in girlfriend who hates me. So now i can't stop thinking about the next time he visits (again), putting my Tweets in private (AGAIN), and whether or not I should leave a nice note for him on the blog he visited for just in case he returns (again, again.) ... I did all those things.
If I were smart, I'd just leave the interwebs. But I'm not that smart.
So anyway,
happy new year.
Here's a lucky catbus cat~
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