I false started another post but I think I'll just sit on it for a few days while I figure out exactly what I'm trying to accomplish from it. Everything here in some way is just an emo dump.
This time of year is really hard for me for various reasons I'll address in a later post. Suffice to say I am really looking forward to it being over. That's horrible, isn't it?
Anyway, Im just sitting here online feeling really lonely. I haven't had friends in a long time. I would still say that I have friends but they have lives of their own, and we're friends from afar, and one can't just call up one at near midnight. Well maybe some people could, but I would feel really guilty about it.
There's something quite nice about having internet peeps to call friends. I kind of miss my internet peeps. But then, that's not always fulfilling because it doesn't always feel completely real. I know some people who would say that they act more real, and the relationships they have online are more authentic than anything they have in the outside world. I can agree and understand this point. But I don't always feel that way for myself, and I don't really understand why. I think Im just scared of people. Or maybe I just want a friend in the flesh who I know is as "different" as i am, and who will run away with me to the beach in the middle of the night when I get those weird, wild hairs up my dander. (What does that phrase even mean, by the way?? lol)
I think what I want - what I really really want - is to have my husband be that friend. I am pretty content with just him. The sad fact is that he works a lot, he's a responsible husband and earner, he never gives anything less than his best when it comes to work ethic... and I hate it.
What am I trying to say here?...
I hate that my husband words so much.
I hate that this time of year keeps him away for 12 hours a day, and when he comes home we get to see him for like an hour. Tis the Christmas shopping seasons, wtf.
I hate that I get all weird and neurotic because I'm basically a flood of emotions and lack of sleep.
I hate that everything is so crowded and full of shoppers at every hour of the fricken day.
I hate, therefore, that I am on edge and stressed out when I have to go to the market.
I hate some other stuff, too, but I probably filled my allowable hate-fest limit.
I've been listening non-stop to Handel's Messiah. There's lots of different recordings on Youtube and I'm enjoying going through them, figuring out all the little details of each performance. People are passionate about which recordings are their favorites, sometimes rudely so. Anyway, I don't much like cheesy Christmas music or carols or that crap, but I do love baroque music in the cold, winter months. Bach's Christmas Oratorio is another really good one for this time of year.
Anyway, enjoy this very lovely and meaningful Christmas music:
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