# making the call

I've located a little mental health clinic where i will be making an appointment to see someone concerning my issues. I don't know what to expect but I'm trying to not be cynical.

My top points of interest will be depression (duh!), anxiety, and invasive thoughts. I was reading more about invasive thoughts and I understand that this is a type of OCD which can be brought on by a number of things. I've always been a little obsessive in thought, but I really see the increase since the anxiety has kicked in post kids.

This all affect me physically as well. Im constantly having dizzy spells which seem to coincide with depressive episodes where Im just knackered, lethargic, and wallowing in my own self pity.

This also goes along with my addictive behavior/personality. Although Im not addicted to drugs - they just freaked me out too much and I hated even being high or drunk - I do get set in my ways in other things. I am addicted to caffeine, sugar, junk food, TV distractions. I'm pretty sure Im even addicted to my depression.

I know I stress eat and this can usually means putting anything into your mouth that is available, however there is a strong desire for something sweet, like chocolate, because its very satisfying and makes you "happy". Of course you have to deal with the i-fee-like-a-fat-cow-after-eating-that-entire-cake effect too, so there's that.

View post on imgur.com

But Im also addicted to my morning drives along the backroads in my town. I love to take it slow, enjoy the sunshine and cool air, see the beautiful fields and trees, glimpse the horses who are rolling around in the sun to get warm, laugh at the llamas who munch their grass like camels, spot goats scratching their heads on fences, and chickens chasing each other across a field, and sheepies, and moo-moos... I just love to have this as a morning routine.

Attached to this morning routine is my morning Starbucks: Sugar, caffeine, comfort. It is completely psychological. And the two activities are so closely tied together that it was difficult to drive this morning without stopping at the drive thru. I tried. I decided I would take my morning drive and just see what happens - just maybe I would be able to bypass the morning joe.

Supposed to be an alpaca but doesn't matter because LOOK AT HIM!!

On my way home, and not necessarily driving past the Starbucks, I gave in and took the turn down the road that would eventually lead me there. Pathetic. So i compromised and got a soy chai latte, a slighter better choice than my usual soy white mocha. Actually I don't know if it's better, but I'm going to assume that it is - what?

I've had to break this habit before. I remember that I had to just replace it with something else. I was in the habit of stoping for coffee after taking the kids to school. ... Oh wait, that's essentially what I'm doing now. =/ The best idea would be to replace it with exercising, going for a walk or bike ride. But HOW!?

OMG. Im crying.