# emo dump

this is an emo dump.
im in the midst of an amotional fucking somthing or other.
i nearly crashed the car bacause i lost my shit at on eo fth ekids.
i cant even concentrate right now.
i just took a ton of tincture. please god i hope it works.
i keep having thhese infvasive thoughts/feelings where i want to bash my head in the fucking wall.
over and over and over again.
i fucking hate myself.
i want to bleed all over the fucking carpet.
and yell.
i hate my fucking kids.
and love them at the same time.
i picture their litle faces and i want to cry.
one of them is having abirthday tomorrow.
and i fucking hate him right now.
he's my full autistic one.
i dont blame him for me loosing my shit because iw as already on the fucking precipice.
but he would not shut the fuck up.
the tension from fucking noise gets to me so bad sometimes.
am i a fucking ptsd person?
am i fucking ocd in a way?
is this fucking all residual from my early homelife?
still?
FUCKK
I dont even know what to write right now.
im just writing the first things coming to my mind.
FUCK
which is why every other word is fuck.
deep breathing.
typing out these words.
im feeling myself slow down a little bit.
husband isnt here.
and i miss him.
crying.
dizzy.
cant breath.
i want to run away in to the mountains.
dont bring any toys.
read a fucking book.
draw some shit.
crochet or knit.
but oh my god i fucking sucked at it today.
im a loser.?
im a loser sometimes.
im a fucking loser.
i can't even be a proper mother.
or homemaker.
i want to not be a loser at those things.
but i fucking hate it.
i fucking hate feeling like a prisoner.
everything i do is crap;