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I used to do hobby crafts like knitting, sewing, crocheting. I guess I still do these things, but only rarely. For the last 2 days I've been trying to be useful, have some enjoyment, and create some knitting or crochet. But it was going horribly. I was so frustrated because things were not coming out very well, and I was fighting with the yarn, that I would rip it all out and start over with something completely different. After 2 days of this I asked myself - Is this even fun?
I think my current hatred of my old hobbies is a result of my current depressed, low state of mind. If I hate these things, or if they're not fun, or if I'm not really willing to slag though the challenging parts, then why do I keep trying to do them?
So again, my mind is wandering into the realms of a fantasy life of minimalism. But REAL minimalism which would have nothing to distract, little furniture, little clothing, etc.
Perhaps all this is result of me just being thoroughly psychologically stretched for the time being, and incapable of coping with all the ordinary everyday things of life: cleaning house, cleaning everybody else's mess, not getting thank yous, making food that nobody eats (or seriously freaks out over), then being forced to make shit like mac n cheese just so the kids will eat it something.
I don't really know what i should do. I have things I'd like to accomplish but I totally feel like those things are separated from me by a wall of ... everything else I'm supposed to be doing. If you get rid of everything except those 1 or 2 things you want to focus on, it makes sense that you would be more "free" do actually do those things. By "free" I don't just mean time, but also mentally and emotionally. How can you concentrate on certain things (like enjoyment) when you're weighted down by thoughts of the things you NEED to be doing (like cleaning the fucking house again).
Things Im considering letting go of:
most my makeup - much of which is just sitting in a drawer and was initially collected as a sort of compulsion and coping mechanism during depressed moods.
my sewing maching as well as all sewing paraphernalia - was wondering if I could move to hand sewing. I would still love to sew things once in a while, but in a more simplified way.
most of my knitting and crochet paraphernalia - in another time of my life (but even sometimes currently) I just collect pretty yarns for projects I want to do, but then never get around to doing. The hooks and needles don't really take up too much room so I might just stash them somewhere.
my bags/purses - of which i don't actually have an excessive amount, nor do I have fancy ones, but again, they're something i like to collect, especially if they are a cute textile or graphic pattern. Most of them are currently strung up on a hook in the garage.
clothes - this is the hardest one. Nothing fits me good right now. As Im always saying, and doing nothing about, Im a fat cow. Clothes feel and look horrible on me. But in my garage, I have loads of clothes from when I was smaller, and that time doesn't even seem like that long ago. (ugh i have to ditch this line of thinking right now because Im going to lose it and send myself down the dark abyss of self loathing.)
My fantasy minimalist life would consist of something like this:
- very small wardrobe - being skinnier so that everything looks and feels good on
- getting up in the morning and walking out to the kitchen to make coffee - the kitchen would be clean and sparse, as though we had just moved in the day before.
- sitting outside in a quiet backyard (its noisy where we live), drinking coffee, enjoying the cool morning air and being wrapped in a handmade blanket.
- making an easy, light breakfast - while simultaneously starting dinner in the crock pot, of which the entire household would partake and not complain or refuse to eat.
- do some reading with the kids, general learning, chatting, but all the while being calm. (I want to take all their toys and melt them away, but that would be really cruel.)
- never have anyone ask me ever again Can I watch such-and-such on Netflix, or Can I play such-and-such on the computer.
- go outside, walk around, and not have to hear fucking lawnmowers, leaf blowers, cars zooming, lumbar yards, train horns blaring, low airplanes overhead, and whatever else.
These are just some of the things I'd love, but i could go on listing more in boring detail. Perhaps I'll stop here for now.
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