a change in tempo

 I’m having it rough today. I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself, because I am realizing that I just can’t do the same things other people can do, & I just don’t learn the same way other people learn.🍃 

I am definitely decided on taking the next two semesters off from music theory. In that time, I will spend more effort doing exercise, walking with the boys, spending time with the boys, and getting healthier. at least that is the plan. I also think it will be a good time to work on all the things I’ve been struggling with while taking music theory. For example, my aural skills have been atrocious, and I need more practice with transcription and sight singing, and just those basic skills. I also haven’t been able to play piano, which was my initial goal when I started going back to school: I wanted to learn some theory, and I wanted to re-learn the piano. 🍃

Music theory classes have been stressing me out, which was not the goal of this adventure. And only through the music theory courses have I’ve been able to take any music lessons. That has put on an extra stress, because I cannot do lessons without theory and without choral ensemble. I simply don’t have that much energy these days 🍃

Through this journey I’ve discovered that i can sing! Wow. A very unexpected source of enjoyment, but now I’m putting pressure on myself that i need to do something with that. It’s like i need this identity of musical success in order to feel meaningful or be accepted by other people. I know the source of this pressure comes from very deep places and I’m trying to let it go. I think the more painful thing is realizing that my brain does not work the way that our society is built around people who’s brains are Neuroypical. But, you know, I have to be OK with that and I have to be OK with adapting how I learn.🍃

So… I don’t feel bad taking a whole year off from music theory just to catch up on skills and take care of home and health issues. And I realize that God is the authority of my life so if something is to come out of music studies and singing skills then I trust that he will make it come to pass and if not, then I will learn to be OK with that too.🍃

I don’t have to be anyone special And I don’t have to feel like I am proving something to anybody. Mostly, I do feel that I have to prove something to myself and that’s what makes this so painful because I do feel that I am a disappointment to my own self. I had a goal that I set for myself and  I can’t complete it. I remind myself that this is a temporary setback and yet not truly a setback because I will be working on things that I need to work on during my waiting time. (I hopei can follow through on that. Best intentions and all that.)🍃

It’s OK if other people don’t understand what I go through. It’s OK if other people downplay things it  I struggle with because they just don’t understand.  It hurts but it’s not their fault; they just have different brains and don’t understand.🍃

Autism is cruel. He knows he has struggles & irritates his brothers but doesn’t understand why. I try so hard to teach everyone better ways to interact so there’s no confusion, but everyone forgets & just lashes out. The aftermath, the consoling, the REteaching… I’m exhausted.

Not doing ok

 Not doing ok. 

These meds really suck. Went to theory this morning dragging my ass and could not process what was going on in class. Now I’m feeling like shit and thinking i should just withdrawal from the public again. Life is too hard for me. Probably because i was supposed to be dead by now. 

panic attack saturday

Its Saturday and im feeling very worn out and exhausted from just having a panic attack over the filth in the house. 

I was vacuuming hair and got so overwhelmed that I was fighting back dry heaves and first, then had to ask Jonas for help organizing my thoughts and cleaning plan, at which point I broke down completely.

Dry heaves, crying I couldn't control, constricted throat. Is that panic attack? Or anxiety attack? At any rate I was just overwhelmed with thoughts of filth and clutter, and saw no way out of it. 

Then dark and angry thoughts were piling on and i had to disconnect in order not to explode, although i was getting angrier and angrier. 

This makes the second breakdown of the month. 

On the 22nd I had a short bout of depression but I don't remember the exact trigger. Mostly feeling terrible about myself after a Theory class a few days before, no doubt. Yes, i think that was it. And then it all spiraled from there. To even feeling crappy about having to take all these medications knowing they're going to put me out, and Im stressing about school work that needs to get down. Then for some reason I just couldn't push through it anymore. Its not like I every denied it... it just all decides to come out. 

I know I was having trouble with dissociating and derealizing, running into things and feeling like a husk, and also feeling like the environment i was in, which was the park, wasn't real. This continued for a couple of days where I felt on the verge of having a larger bout of depression. 

Was it burnout?

Ive also sacked my counselor. He was a douchebag. The basic story is that he stood me up our second session. Ok, I can let that go. The third session, knowing that its going to get intense and feeling like I had to put a wall up for my own safety of emotions and mind, I suppose I came off as angry. I walked into the office, he's asking me questions but im distracted making sure my phone is off. At some point he starts talking about false beliefs we have about ourselves. I know what he meant but he put it in a weird way that I asked for clarification. Then he totally turned it around on me making him feel like crap and "self conscious"... a false belief about himself. 

None of what he said had anything to do with false beliefs we have related to trauma. Instead he turned it around to ME making HIM feel bad about HIMSELF.

The story he gives:

You looked mad when you first walked in and I was wondering well is Monica mad at me? Did i forget the schedule again? What did I do to make her mad? And now Im feeling self conscious. Or i could think, poor monica doesn't seem happy, maybe she had a hard night, etc. 

WTF does that have to do with trauma and false beliefs? That had to do with mindreading and making assumptions. He totally turned it around on me to make me a bad guy. So I've sacked his fat ass. (Nov 1) He seems like his life is a shambles and his fat ass isn't even healthy, so why would i trust him to help get me own life in order. ive trusted my red flags

Assignment 1

 The event I am, considering, as being the worst is the very first one that I can bring to my memory. It was a very very early memory of violence, and or the threat of violence on display. Also, it was the first memory experiencing absolute terror.

Why do I think this occurred? The most straightforward and logical explanation would be because my father was unstable, and my mother was codependent. The cause of this event was probably jealousy, emotional, dysregulation, snap anger, … etc. 

This event was so foundational I believe it started me on a path of being constantly on edge. I learned not to trust the people around me who were supposed to protect me. I learned that I have no power to protect myself. I learned how to keep hanging on to a bad situation, and hoping it was going to get better only to find that it never actually got better. I learned that the people around me who were supposed to protect me. We’re not actually safe people to be around. I learned how to withdraw from the world and be safe in my own imagination, and in my own escapisms. I learned I wasn’t really important to those same individuals who were tasked with raising me. As a result, I didn’t really ever have a close emotional bond to them even though I desperately wanted one.

Stuck points:

Depressive bout

 Having a struggle today. Yesterday was a lot of stress/anxiety because of solo selections in choir. I didn’t want to do it but was a little bit pressured to do it. I’m sure it will be fine but the roller coaster really took off.

This might be the reason I’m in a downfall today.

I’m frustrated with being tired, music dyslexic, taking a crap ton of pills, and i miss being with my kids. I want to go on walks, i want to be healthy…

My whole day was affected after the morning time. I’m dizzy, not well connected to my body, bumping into things, and super sleepy now. Unstable crying. 

Tuesday mania

 Feeling unstable. 

Had a bunch of bad energy, frustration, anger at stupid people today. Came home and did some meditation. Came inside to eat. Feeling “sad”, tears. Feeling shit about myself i suppose. Dumb. Stupid. Slow. And like there’s so much stuff to do and i don’t have the time, & I’m overwhelmed. So i feel bad about not being more organized or better at getting things done, or faster at my homework. All the thoughts came at once. 

Currently agonizing over whether to go to school to use piano but i don’t want to be inside. Should i work here at the computer out the piano? My piano area is a mess, it’s cumbersome to work in, and the computer binds me to the table. I WANT to go outside and study but it’s hot and i think i need a piano or computer. I literally cannot decide, cannot stop churning the question, and I’m literally making myself sick.

Thinking about class tomorrow. I feel sick to my stomach. 

It’s Sunday

 Having anxiety. No real trigger. Sat outside at sunset and was really enjoying it. Then just got sad. Came inside and felt anxious probably because the house was a wreck, kitchen still wasnt cleaned, laundry to do, shower to take, i had “homework” to do, the weekend was over… The usual things plaguing my mind and i was stuck in freeze mode Thought i was holding in my anxiety or whatever it was. But i asked Jim to go get ice cream because i really wanted a rum and Coke. If i couldn’t do any of that then i was going to have a spoonful of nutella. He said he’d get the ice cream and then i started crying. I’m currently sat in the parking lot of Safeway. 

Yep. Another cry a bit later in the evening. No discernible trigger. Perhaps i was just enjoying being around everyone. 

Waiting for refills

I had s really hard time at the dentist and after the dentist. But i realized I’ve only been one one dose of the lotrimine the last few days. I’m stocked up again so we’ll see if more focus & executive function challenges are going to happen. 

Crying mess

I had to go to the dentist today. It’s never a good time and always embarrassing when i have to tell the doctor to pay no mind whenever i start crying, that it’s just my anxiety energy coming out. He’s super nice and really tries not to stress his patients out. So far i appreciate his care. He’s always apologizing whenever he sticks all those objects and utensils and gauze in my mouth.

At the moment i feel very sleepy and low. Is this normal? I thought i went to bed at a decent hour, although i was struggling at the end because my meds kicked in before i was ready to sleep.

I’m trying to keep an eye on my moods more. That said I honestly don’t know what a normal mood is.

It’s been 3 weeks of medication already. I may not know normal but I do know that i don’t feel completely stable. 

I’m finding it very hard to focus today. I’m forgetting things i have to do and when i remember it’s like i don’t even know where to start. I’m going to work out choir stuff right now for tonight at Simpson. I literally forgot even though i remembered i have practice tonight.

2 weeks. An update.

I had a really good day yesterday and for part of the day today.🍃

We had choir last night and it was great. I think singing is so therapeutic. Gayle my choir neighbor was encouraging me to come to Simpson’s community choir practice. I had forgotten but they had started rehearsals a week prior.🍃

I asked Gayle what they were singing and she said it was Brahm’s requiem. Well i got incredibly excited. I’ve never even heard it before but i like Brahm’s, so i was excited. Still, my excitement was probably too over the top & it showed a little on the surface as i was kind of talkative after that, but i did what i could to control myself.🍃 

So i came home with a migraine but felt in good spirits, a little stressed from not having finished theory homework but happy.🍃 

Today on the way home from class i stopped at Dutch Bros to get Jim a coffee, and myself some iced tea. Usually i don’t want to engage in conversation with the window attendants, who without fail always ask about our plans for the day. Before i could stop myself i just started engaging this young man and soon we were talking about music. It was a great interaction.🍃 

Since I’ve been home I’ve done nothing productive. I forgot my meds but i don’t think that was why i couldn’t do my homework. I just… didn’t want to. Rather, i was in avoidance, perhaps because i know how stressful it is to me and my slow brain.🍃 

At the moment, i am about to take a shower and I’m feeling super emotional. Well maybe not SUPER, but indeed i am feeling emotional, and i had to stop myself from crying in front of Owen& Jim while i was waiting for Andrew to get out of the shower.🍃 

Plus, I’ve been very overheated and just could not cool down in the 74 degrees air conditioning.🍃 

I guess these ups and downs are going to take a while to balance out.🍃

Owen

 Today at Burger King. I had a melt down with him. He had a melt down with me. … 

 So I’ve some new meds (latuda) that are supposed to calm the mind. 

I was actually confused as to what is not a calmer mind. What are “racing” thoughts. Then i remembered how i bounce from thought out concern to concern. Like a chain from link to link, duh. I had only thought of obsessive thinking and agonizing over decisions. But yeah, just like chain migration my thoughts definitely chain after the other sometimes adhd style, sometimes obsessive style, sometimes like wight water rapids. 

I have bipolar. Now what?

It’s been a week on meds. I’m feeling a little bit lifted but still unstable, still depressed. 

I’m concerned the journey out of this pit is going to take a while. I saw a Twitter post where one guy said it took him 6 months to feel better. Maybe it was 3… now I’m not sure. That’s still a ways.

I don’t have the resilience to keep trekking on through school like this. Now I’m contemplating leaving and taking time to heal up and focus on my physical health too. Turns out I’ve been regularly assessed with stage 1 hypertension.

The thing I’m not happy about is waiting a whole 365 until i can resume the class. Plus i would miss out on voice lessons. And I don’t even know if i would want to continue with choir, which is concerning. I must really be depressed and not thinking very well because the singing has been good for my moods.

I suppose i could continue to learn theory on my own. But how realistic is that? I’m certain that i need structure and accountability, and it’s really hard to muster all that by myself.

There are many legitimate reasons to take time off. I just want to make sure I’m not underestimating my ability to push through. Genuinely, it’s been hard for me, and i need to learn how i need to learn. Unfortunately i feel forced into a system that i don’t really thrive in.

I could focus on piano which would help a lot of my understanding of the theory material. It’s really a matter of pulling out of this “funk”. 

I think i should make a decision soon. The deadline for registering for lessons is tomorrow. And I don’t feel close to an answer.

My anxiety has been so bad. Even though I regulate booze pretty strictly Im scared I will truly fall into alcoholism, since I do use it to chill tf out. But i need it every day almost. I feel so unbalanced. Im looking for help but it takes for fking ever.

im literally off to the bathroom now to cry not bcs im sad, but bcs this energy is clawing its way out of me, & i guees its the only release i have atm. Maybe i'll feel better afterwards. But then my husband just thinks everything is fine, no problem. Nobody understands. 😑 

1:11

 Was listening to someone singing The Lord’s Prayer and feeling like, yes, this is a good path, don’t be afraid and go for it. Of course the clock was at 1:11am. 

I’m currently listening to a discussion on the diaphragm and breathing stronger, something that I’ve been wondering about since realizing how weak and difficult my own breathing is. 

Salad

Ive been eating a lot more veggies lately. It started with salad, then cabbage soup, then more salad. Still waiting on the energy boost that i was promised. Actually, i bounced out of bed today at 5am after sleeping for three or four hours. So that’s a start.

I’ve also been super bloated but since I’m on my womanly time I’m hoping it will subside in a few days, and I’m not just expanding. I’m sick of being fat. I’m sick of feeling sick. So I’m going to stick with the salad for a while.

It’s not been easy for me lately. But if i can get a handle on my diet that would at least be something positive. I’m still not exercising. It’s been dreadful. I’m going to call tomorrow to find someone who can help dx my adhd etc. I really want to get this taken care of before school. I’m dreading my anxiety. 

 

Summer SADs

 I’ve been super depressed with the heat and no ability to stay cool. My coping mechanisms have been big time frustration and anger. 

Was desperately feeling not just like running away but even separating from my husband, blaming him for this misery im in. The misery, in my mind, was a huge pile of disappointment after disappointment that was coming up from the past, feelings of being trapped, of being fully dependent on him, of no way to help myself out of this situation, all of it building and building. 

I woke from a nap feeling very hot and frustrated to not have control over my own body that i ended up throwing a fit in the bathroom, slamming my body into the door repeatedly, & tearing down the shower curtain.

I feel like an effing crazy person.

Today he came home for lunch and visited us, bringing burgers. It was really nice to see him. And i suppose i felt less abandoned. 

I still feel really fragile and unstable but it’s an exhausted unstableness. All i do i cry now when i feel overwhelmed. 

cabbage soup summer

Ive been eating a bunch of salad lately, which has been nice. I like my salads, but they're probably not great for weight loss the way that i make them. They were also supposed to help me tolerate the heat better but im not sure they've done that. 

I added in the famous cabbage soup diet soup for variety. I usually like to add meat for the boys to eat, but they'll often have it plain too. Im going to continue to have it in supply mostly for myself to fall back on and maybe try to do longer term cycling. I think I could do it but i might have to tweak some things. 

It is so easy to make. Chopped head of cabbage, an entire thingy of celery, leaves and all, one whole onion, one large can of stewed or diced or purred tomatoes with herbs. One packet of onion soup, and i also add extra salt, italian seasoning, cumin, pepper flakes, garlic powder. . .  whatever i feel like really. I had a bag of sweet bell peppers that were starting to go bad so I had to add those in as well. Its a really great soup now, lol. 

Basic cabbage soup! With carrots! I don't think carrots are allowed but i really love carrots and the sweetness really helps. My goal is to stick with it for a week, soup only... maybe a little bit of fruit. I'd like to be able to alternate it with my salads but I usually add beans and corn to my salads, so that might slow down any weight loss. Anyway, after a week of the diet I will take one day off to eat "normal"... meatloaf and mashed potatoes... something good and comfort food. Since its summer and pretty hot, Im not sure how appealing it will be. After one or two days off, its back to the soup diet.

I do notice a little bit of extra energy when I pile on the vegetables, which is really what i need. My energy has been so bad and Im afraid for going back to school. The only bad thing is when I decide to be dumb and drink a caffeinated coffee. The crash is SO bad. It really screwed me up for the entire day this past week. 

 I don’t know where to start. I’m feeling especially snowflake-ish, especially down and disgusted with myself.

I want to fast but it’s because i hate myself. I hate my body. 

Its currently Monday and 2 ish, and i haven’t eaten yet. I’m not especially hungry but somehow the thought of trying to make it through 5 days is freaking me out. 

I wish i could go back and do carnivore, 2017. Going to my moms to help her out ruined it. Was helping her the right thing to do? Yeah. Do i wish i didn’t do it? Yeah.

I want energy. Energy to go walking, to do exercise, to make better food choices. Why tf can’t i do this? Am i just lazy? Am i so overwhelmed with whatever tf this life is that I’m incapable of simply doing what i know is Good for me?

Why is getting out of bed so hard? Or having a routine? Why does nothing feel worth it? Or feel like it doesn’t matter? Those thoughts just make me feel worse. And i still don’t move out of bed.

I probably need to see a therapist. Need to get formally dx just to start better understanding why i do what i do. 

I’m getting ready to take a shower. I’m sitting on the toilet just having a quiet think and a write, and a cry. I have no space. No quiet space. No privacy. Would that make a difference? I kind of doubt it but i also know i need one. Maybe i don’t deserve it.

God do you hate me? Why is just living a normal regular life so hard for me? Why do you not help? Why do i keep doing this?

I was missing my Trinket today. I sometimes ask God to send me a kitty that needs a home and will enjoy being snuggled and sharing cuddles and purrs.❤️

I’m asking God to help us make a way to a property and space where the family can stay together, we can have animals, some farming etc. Cozy! But things are really crazy in our country and we may have to leave and travel to a safer place. So maybe it’s been a blessing that we never had our dream home/property. That way we wouldnt be heartbroken and resistant if God sends us away.

 Continued from: https://calmkittyhugs.blogspot.com/2024/06/who-even-am-i-where-do-i-even-fit-in.html?m=1

I thought i was discovering who i am. I’ve never really known myself clearly, but i thought i was learning, thought i was changing. And maybe i am who i think i am, or more accurately who i would like to be. But perhaps there’s just too much baggage and damage for that to be possible.

I’ve been so confused, so stressed about what my future could be. Where do i fit? What’s my talent? How do i use it? It’s one thing to have an artistic talent or ability, but something else to overcome deep ingrained anxiety that has nothing to do with life-and-death situations overshadowing that talent. 

I don’t necessarily want to spend my life hidden away. There are things i want to do and accomplish but i don’t even know what that means anymore. 

Dreams were awoken since starting up school again a year and a half ago, and I’m starting to think I’ve gotten ahead of myself. I was happy to just learn theory and piano; i thought that was all i was going to do. Then choir happened. Then Mozart happened. Then flute lessons happened. And I’m overwhelmed, feeling pressure and pessimism that anything will come of my studies anyway. I’m old, I’m behind, I’m broke. I want so much to play h.i.p. early music ensembles but instead I’m learning modern flute because “i have to”. 

What do i even want?

Who even am i? Where do i even fit in this world? And does it even matter.

 I’ve had a bit of an existential crises today:

Meditation notes #1

 Todays “thoughts”

Oops i forgot to start with a prayer routine. (Our father, jesus prayer, litany of humility, hail mary, flower meditation)

When you are being interrupted it’s ok to give attention. Example: Hulu came up to me during meditation and i went ahead and reached out to feel him since he was leaning up against me. Eyes still closed I focused on his fur, his softness, and just the sensation of petting him. When he was done, which wasn’t long, i resumed to listening to the water sounds. 

Coming out of meditation I took some time before opening my eyes to hear and feel EVERYTHING going on around me, kind of like i was integrating myself back into this everyday existence. I sat with eyes still closed and one by one tried to identify and  “feel” or noticed where all the sounds were coming from. When i finally did open my eyes i watched a little bird, the leaves, the chickens. 

One of things i think is beneficial about my meditation so far is that i can see how it can train to the brain to ignore things around you, including sensations, and focus on ONE thing, whatever needs to be focused on. It’s very hard. 

Will this cause an intense sensitivity that could have negative effects? Since i am hypersensitive and easily overstimulated, could this be bad for me in the long run? I don’t know, but that’s why i thought of focusing on ALL the sounds and sensations coming out of the meditation might be good in order to practice not being overwhelmed by it all.  

The hardest thing is letting thoughts go by and not indulging. “Get out” actually works pretty good as a redirect. Better than what id been doing which was saying “stop”.

 Continued from https://calmkittyhugs.blogspot.com/2024/03/my-brain-hacking.html

I really love singing. I’m not a strong singer, as in my voice is kinda wimpy, but i still enjoy it and am trying to improve. At the moment i have bad allergies and my throat is swollen such that even speaking feels tiring. And when i swallow there’s a lot of clicking in my throat. I want to sing but it’s uncomfortable right now. I certainly shouldn’t be trying to extend my range right now because of it, but i really want to practice!

I’ve been questioning whether or not to continue with flute or to switch to voice. I would love to sing early music and learn to accompany myself on the lute. I’ve been seeing this in my mind a lot. So it is something to revisit and check in with. 

I love the flute. More specifically i love the historical flute and recorder. Right now i have to do my studies on modern flute, which is fine but just not where my heart truly is. 

My brain hacking

 Useful visualization and meditation:

Cluttered counter with black boxes full of negative emotions getting in the way of me living life. Name then, try to find their root, and the effect it has on me. Then gather up the boxes and give them into The Big Hands, God. 

The counter space is now clean. Breath deeply for a bit and FEEL how light it feels to unload those boxes and have a clean space.

Now place the flowers off the counter space. 1. Bucket of yellow daffodils for self love (acceptance and kindness of my adult self towards my child self) and other kinds of love. 2. Purple echinacea for happiness and joy, and thankfulness, which are usually smothered when there is fear. 3. White calla lilies for calmness & courage.

Meditate on these representations and visualize them being beautiful and bright on top of the counter space. And visualize being on stage, in the center of attention of a performance or exam, looking at ppl in the crowd and maintaining CALM. 

Litany of Humility 

Give all the fears to God. Put them in Jesus hands. Name everything you fear: of not being perfect, of making mistakes, of being watched, of not being accepted, of what people think of you when you mess up. Etc. Name it all. And tell Jesus you don’t want it, it’s unhealthy and harmful, and he should take it away.

Now breath freely. The table is clear. Imagine an empty room or table, fresh breeze and sunshine, a bright empty space. Stay there for a moment. 

Revised 1: 

Sunflowers! They stand tall and brave. Everyone can see them, they can’t hide. They are not afraid to be seen, they love it. They are beautiful and must show that beauty so others can be happy while looking at them. They love the sunshine. They follow it all day long, their face smiling into the warm beam of light. 

I am a sunflower! I stand tall and brave, not afraid to be seen by others, and not afraid to make mistakes. The spotlight on a stage is warm like the sun. It is like being shined upon by God while he’s watching over me. Sunflowers are not afraid to make mistakes, and neither am i, because it is my heart that really matters. Feel free and Let the people see your heart for the music, the joy and happiness, that is what is important. 

Revised: 2: 

Purple Echinacea. The beautiful violet is a combination of the blue and red, the water and blood that spilled from the heart of Jesus, for me. The blue and red signifies the healing that is taking place within me. My true self is one with Jesus, with God. My true self is all grown and free from these hang-ups. My true self loves me as i am as though a child. She is my big sister, but also the comforter i need to help me heal my wounds. I don’t have to be perfect. There is no shame or guilt for being imperfect. Our heart is what is important. I will always be loved and accepted by God and my truest self. That is what really matters. She is me and i am her.

Revised 3: 

White Calla Lilies. Beautiful white callas promote such a calm and peaceful state of mind. I envision walking up on the stage, able to breath, able to think, my heart rate is slow and gentle. I stand there, looked at by everyone and i smile! I am fine. I am at peace, and ready to have some fun. I am asked questions and i answer easily, no matter what my response is. Everything is ok. Everything will be ok. Let the people look at you, and smile at them. SMILE! You can’t help it. Calm and peaceful rest allows you to be free. 

Im a fat

 Here we go again…

Ok here’s the plan:

Water fast for 3 days. When hungry and feeling desperate… milk? Broth? Maybe both, I’m not sure. And then keep going. 

I’ve got to get this weight off of me. 30 pounds minimum. And i can’t be bothered to workout regularly. I like working out my way, i like being fit and feeling strong, but I’m just beyond having a strict regimen. I’m just so over doing the really hard and grueling workouts. Perhaps things will change if this fkn weight can come off first, but my brain just can’t do it. My gym class is all i can do, and I’m super bored and not really even wanting to be there. I miss my outdoor walks. 

And i can’t carnivore. I don’t know. My brain just can’t get on board with it anymore. I don’t fully understand why but i then again i kind of do.

I just don’t want to be hungry. I don’t want the low blood sugar effects. I don’t want to be food and sugar addicted. I think fasting is just so mentally and psychologically “pure” as a practice, and there’s no question about what needs doing. The only question is how extreme, and even whether or not i can tolerate it. I think i will struggle with a lot of dizziness and weakness, which is why I’m contemplating the glass of milk allowance. A salt broth shouldnt interfere too bad, it just won’t be a pure water fast. But hopefully it will be ok. 

I really want to do this. And i really do want to have a better lifestyle, being active with the kids, and feeling fit again. Maybe even running again because my knees can handle not lugging my heavy arse aground. 

I just want to purge so much crap out of my body and spirit. 

I hung out with a lady  I’m getting to know after our concert and it was kind of intense, but good. We walked on a nearby trail and all sorts of things about us came us, since we both come from trauma, although she won’t admit it. Then i had my music lesson. Afterwards I crashed hard and even had a cry as all that ON energy was allowed to turn off. I was mentally & emotionally exhausted. 

Fast forward to the end of the week and i decided to join a third choir, where this lady sings on a regular basis. She seemed a little moody at one point but i tried not to read into it.   

I have a couple good friends who come from trauma cptsd and we get along fine. Perhaps because we understand our issues. When i meet this lady - as damaged people often do - we bonded. The first thing she asked from me was to pray for her. And i did. We quickly saw similarities in each other based on what i know of as trauma. 

But i can tell this friendship will be more challenging because she is in denial and in magical thinking that she will heal. Meanwhile i have to hear about problems and deal with the bad moods? This may be hard for me…  At one time i was talking about something and she asked we not talk about it any more. So clearly going the route of recognizing trauma responses, using the word trauma, and anything not to do with praying will make her uncomfortable. 

I will not be able to offer anything that I’ve learned except a hearing ear, i think. She wants to believe God will heal her. That is fine but not how we work through reality and pain. And it is magical thinking  which, i believe, will only lead to frustration and stagnation, unless she can get to a point where shes mostly apathetic. Not a healthy thing, imo.

She did reject a link that i sent her from pastor Tim at ReAct, which is fine. I only threw it out there as a suggestion anyway. And she wanted to tell me Thanks But No Thanks but was again too, regretting a bit that she had overshared stuff. I wasn’t surprised by anything she said. But perhaps felt bad that i would not be able to share what I’ve learned because, as she puts it, God is just going to heal her. Meanwhile, she sometimes seems miserable, believing she’s under constant spiritual attack. Does she believe God wants her helpless???

My own trauma responses and tentative stability could be shaken here.  So i don’t know what to expect. I know I’m feeling like i dont want to get too close and just start backingaway, but it might be a little too late For that. Then again, maybe she’s feeling the same.