I don’t know where to start. I’m feeling especially snowflake-ish, especially down and disgusted with myself.
I want to fast but it’s because i hate myself. I hate my body.
Its currently Monday and 2 ish, and i haven’t eaten yet. I’m not especially hungry but somehow the thought of trying to make it through 5 days is freaking me out.
I wish i could go back and do carnivore, 2017. Going to my moms to help her out ruined it. Was helping her the right thing to do? Yeah. Do i wish i didn’t do it? Yeah.
I want energy. Energy to go walking, to do exercise, to make better food choices. Why tf can’t i do this? Am i just lazy? Am i so overwhelmed with whatever tf this life is that I’m incapable of simply doing what i know is Good for me?
Why is getting out of bed so hard? Or having a routine? Why does nothing feel worth it? Or feel like it doesn’t matter? Those thoughts just make me feel worse. And i still don’t move out of bed.
I probably need to see a therapist. Need to get formally dx just to start better understanding why i do what i do.
I’m getting ready to take a shower. I’m sitting on the toilet just having a quiet think and a write, and a cry. I have no space. No quiet space. No privacy. Would that make a difference? I kind of doubt it but i also know i need one. Maybe i don’t deserve it.
God do you hate me? Why is just living a normal regular life so hard for me? Why do you not help? Why do i keep doing this?
No comments:
Post a Comment