Tuesday mania

 Feeling unstable. 

Had a bunch of bad energy, frustration, anger at stupid people today. Came home and did some meditation. Came inside to eat. Feeling “sad”, tears. Feeling shit about myself i suppose. Dumb. Stupid. Slow. And like there’s so much stuff to do and i don’t have the time, & I’m overwhelmed. So i feel bad about not being more organized or better at getting things done, or faster at my homework. All the thoughts came at once. 

Currently agonizing over whether to go to school to use piano but i don’t want to be inside. Should i work here at the computer out the piano? My piano area is a mess, it’s cumbersome to work in, and the computer binds me to the table. I WANT to go outside and study but it’s hot and i think i need a piano or computer. I literally cannot decide, cannot stop churning the question, and I’m literally making myself sick.

Thinking about class tomorrow. I feel sick to my stomach. 

It’s Sunday

 Having anxiety. No real trigger. Sat outside at sunset and was really enjoying it. Then just got sad. Came inside and felt anxious probably because the house was a wreck, kitchen still wasnt cleaned, laundry to do, shower to take, i had “homework” to do, the weekend was over… The usual things plaguing my mind and i was stuck in freeze mode Thought i was holding in my anxiety or whatever it was. But i asked Jim to go get ice cream because i really wanted a rum and Coke. If i couldn’t do any of that then i was going to have a spoonful of nutella. He said he’d get the ice cream and then i started crying. I’m currently sat in the parking lot of Safeway. 

Yep. Another cry a bit later in the evening. No discernible trigger. Perhaps i was just enjoying being around everyone. 

Waiting for refills

I had s really hard time at the dentist and after the dentist. But i realized I’ve only been one one dose of the lotrimine the last few days. I’m stocked up again so we’ll see if more focus & executive function challenges are going to happen. 

Crying mess

I had to go to the dentist today. It’s never a good time and always embarrassing when i have to tell the doctor to pay no mind whenever i start crying, that it’s just my anxiety energy coming out. He’s super nice and really tries not to stress his patients out. So far i appreciate his care. He’s always apologizing whenever he sticks all those objects and utensils and gauze in my mouth.

At the moment i feel very sleepy and low. Is this normal? I thought i went to bed at a decent hour, although i was struggling at the end because my meds kicked in before i was ready to sleep.

I’m trying to keep an eye on my moods more. That said I honestly don’t know what a normal mood is.

It’s been 3 weeks of medication already. I may not know normal but I do know that i don’t feel completely stable. 

I’m finding it very hard to focus today. I’m forgetting things i have to do and when i remember it’s like i don’t even know where to start. I’m going to work out choir stuff right now for tonight at Simpson. I literally forgot even though i remembered i have practice tonight.

2 weeks. An update.

I had a really good day yesterday and for part of the day today.🍃

We had choir last night and it was great. I think singing is so therapeutic. Gayle my choir neighbor was encouraging me to come to Simpson’s community choir practice. I had forgotten but they had started rehearsals a week prior.🍃

I asked Gayle what they were singing and she said it was Brahm’s requiem. Well i got incredibly excited. I’ve never even heard it before but i like Brahm’s, so i was excited. Still, my excitement was probably too over the top & it showed a little on the surface as i was kind of talkative after that, but i did what i could to control myself.🍃 

So i came home with a migraine but felt in good spirits, a little stressed from not having finished theory homework but happy.🍃 

Today on the way home from class i stopped at Dutch Bros to get Jim a coffee, and myself some iced tea. Usually i don’t want to engage in conversation with the window attendants, who without fail always ask about our plans for the day. Before i could stop myself i just started engaging this young man and soon we were talking about music. It was a great interaction.🍃 

Since I’ve been home I’ve done nothing productive. I forgot my meds but i don’t think that was why i couldn’t do my homework. I just… didn’t want to. Rather, i was in avoidance, perhaps because i know how stressful it is to me and my slow brain.🍃 

At the moment, i am about to take a shower and I’m feeling super emotional. Well maybe not SUPER, but indeed i am feeling emotional, and i had to stop myself from crying in front of Owen& Jim while i was waiting for Andrew to get out of the shower.🍃 

Plus, I’ve been very overheated and just could not cool down in the 74 degrees air conditioning.🍃 

I guess these ups and downs are going to take a while to balance out.🍃

Owen

 Today at Burger King. I had a melt down with him. He had a melt down with me. … 

 So I’ve some new meds (latuda) that are supposed to calm the mind. 

I was actually confused as to what is not a calmer mind. What are “racing” thoughts. Then i remembered how i bounce from thought out concern to concern. Like a chain from link to link, duh. I had only thought of obsessive thinking and agonizing over decisions. But yeah, just like chain migration my thoughts definitely chain after the other sometimes adhd style, sometimes obsessive style, sometimes like wight water rapids. 

I have bipolar. Now what?

It’s been a week on meds. I’m feeling a little bit lifted but still unstable, still depressed. 

I’m concerned the journey out of this pit is going to take a while. I saw a Twitter post where one guy said it took him 6 months to feel better. Maybe it was 3… now I’m not sure. That’s still a ways.

I don’t have the resilience to keep trekking on through school like this. Now I’m contemplating leaving and taking time to heal up and focus on my physical health too. Turns out I’ve been regularly assessed with stage 1 hypertension.

The thing I’m not happy about is waiting a whole 365 until i can resume the class. Plus i would miss out on voice lessons. And I don’t even know if i would want to continue with choir, which is concerning. I must really be depressed and not thinking very well because the singing has been good for my moods.

I suppose i could continue to learn theory on my own. But how realistic is that? I’m certain that i need structure and accountability, and it’s really hard to muster all that by myself.

There are many legitimate reasons to take time off. I just want to make sure I’m not underestimating my ability to push through. Genuinely, it’s been hard for me, and i need to learn how i need to learn. Unfortunately i feel forced into a system that i don’t really thrive in.

I could focus on piano which would help a lot of my understanding of the theory material. It’s really a matter of pulling out of this “funk”. 

I think i should make a decision soon. The deadline for registering for lessons is tomorrow. And I don’t feel close to an answer.