#tired and lost after a long day! A regular pattern.

Yesterday was full of activity for me. It didn't start too early but the first thing I did was take some tincture. I don't think I could have done all that I did without having taken it. By the time the end of the day came around I was pretty spent psychologically and emotionally.

So after lazying around in the morning, I made  a quick run to our local gym to see about pricing for membership, but I wasn't there for longer than 15 minutes. Then I came home, felt guilty about not taking the boys anywhere, got them dressed, and we started off for our local museum. Alas, it was closed until Wednesday, so we quickly decided we'd check out Goodwill and all their costumes on sale. It was incredibly busy and crowded. In all honesty, I have no idea how I was able to navigate all of that. Plus, my kids were very energetic and talkative and loud. They were good boys, just a lot of immediate energy that I had to just try and let bounce off me. After Goodwill, we were going to hit up Barnes & Noble for my eldest and middlest to get some books they've been asking for, but at the last minute I had to tell them I couldn't do it, that my brain was just exhausted. So we started off for home when we passed a Dairy Queen and - ohmergersh - we plodded through the drive through for some of their traditional chocolate dipped vanilla cones. Yummmm. Thank God I had a stew still sitting in the fridge from the day before, and Hubs was able to warm that up for everyone. It was nice not cooking but securely knowing I didn't have to because something was easily available that wasn't junk food. So after dinner Hubs and I traveled to the local gym together, this time to actually purchase a family membership. We took a tour of the place, then came home.

I haven't taken any tincture today. It's like my anxiety is just there on the surface and I can't quite get a clear enough head to actually go over to where my tincture is and take it. It's stupid but just something that happens to me.

So what is my anxiety all about today?
Everything, I guess. I knew this was probably going to happen. The day after a really busy day, psychologically, mentally, emotionally demanding day is a crash and burn. Yet, I still think I have to fight it or something. This is where my anxiety comes it. It won't just let me BE tired, or take the day off mentally, or just relax without judgement. I think because the end of the night will come and then I'll be faced with the reality that I didn't' do anything productive, and will still have a list of shit to do for the next day, etc.

#i wanna WoW with you

Been playing WoW again after a long time away. I don't know if this is a good thing or bad thing yet.

It's most fun when SigOth and I play together. I miss the social part of the game, which is pretty nonexistent for me right now. I don't think we'll ever have another guild of people we could call "friends". Some of them were even RL friends.

There comes a point in life too where you just don't have the energy to invest over and over again in new people. I don't know, though.

For now, everyone is playing Legion,  but Im having some good times with my mid level alt, doing old dungeons, and taking my time enjoying story lines I missed since the last few expansions.

#ZombieOnYourLawn

#i dont want to talk to you anymore

Maybe I've just been in a really bad mood lately. PMS? Well my SigOth has been really mouthy lately, and my tolerance for his constant remarks have been dwindled.  I don't know if its me just being super sensitive and jumpy in conclusions, but I don't even want to talk to him anymore. Like, ever.

I feel like he's a compulsive talker, but not in a chit-chat way. But a way where he needs to have the last word, he has to "lift the tension" with saying something fucking stupid or corny when Im trying to be serious, always putting his two cents in even if its not related to what we/I'm specifically talking about (the last word), and always using filler remarks even if there is no silence - in other words, talking over people with contrived agreements or corroboration.

He is even so compelled to add onto a conversation that he will say things that aren't even necessarily true, or that he's not even aware aren't true. He's not lying on purpose, but like i say he just can't stfu and stand there in silence, or add on. It drives me fucking crazy.

I don't remember him being this bad when we were first dating, but i think he's always done it. I never enjoyed it, but its already been many years that I've been getting on his case about it. I also know that other people have called him out on it - talking over people.

Sometimes i want to scream at him and ive even gotten to the point of telling him to stop talking while he's going on and on at other people. I know this is a bitchy thing to do, but its' like the kind of talking that does absolutely NOTHING to propel a conversation, and the back and forth between him and the other person is literally a waste of time that accomplishes nothing.

This morning we had a little bit of that. We were talking about something he brought up and I shared an experience I had on the topic, and then he concludes my story with a stupid remark that I think might have been intended to be funny. Only it wasn't. It was kind of rude, and I took it as him being snarky.

I just find myself shutting down more and more, not wanting to even talk to him afterwards. I even find myself not wanting to talk to him at all, ever. I often wonder if we could survive a marriage of mostly "yes" and "no" conversations out of necessity. I should just move out. *laughs*

#i dont want to read to you anymore

Ive been super irritated with my family. I just had a blow up at my kids for being , well, kids. I was reading to them and they were making noise, walking around, and not really caring what i was reading to them. Maybe they were right and the crap i was reading to them was boring AF.

I concluded the reading session abruptly by telling them I would send them back to school so they could learn some [expletive] manners and consideration. It was not my best moment. The sad part is we just got home from getting donuts. I wanted to give them something fun for the day, and instead i end up throwing a tantrum at them.

#this week: life, medicinal cannabis - hemp CBDs, Charlotte's Webb

Im attempting something new. I've been very  much affected by recent news of violent acts upon children. From the evil crap that happens in the middle east, to the s**t stories I read last night about a little 2 year old. These stories make me cry. And what can i do but pray and cry to God.

So Im sitting at my icon corner and its about 2 in the morning. The kitties have a water fountain and so you can always hear the trickling. It's still hot in the house so there is a very loud floor fan humming away most annoyingly. But I'm writing things by candle light, on paper, and trying to claim a bit of calm before tomorrow hits me.

Orthodox don't meditate, per se. We "meditate" on God, God's word, God's presence in our lives. We can pray meditatively, descending into our hearts, with the purpose of connecting with God in our hearts. I don't know how Buddhists pray, but Orthodox prayer can be very centering. I just wish I was more disciplined in the way I pray. Normally we stand, and show honor and reverence for God by doing so. Usually I just sit.

Today was busy but good. Church was fine, and the Husband and I had a nice talk with another couple who shared some of their life experiences with us. I felt very connected to [the wife]. I'll call her Ela. We have a lot in common in terms of some of the struggles we deal with. PTSD, being highly sensitive, very emotional, and a little ocd (from anxiety), and a bit "batty", lool.

When Im going through my most difficult times it feels like I'm totally alone, and no one will understand. But the more I try to convince myself of this [false] fact, the more God shows me that it's not true. One of these days I'll learn. I've always been a slow learner.

Later in the evening I gathered all the family into the van and headed to the lake for a swim. It was still mid 90s and warm enough, but all the shade tricked the brain into thinking it was chilly. Still, the kiddos enjoyed themselves and we pretty much had the whole place to ourselves. I'll be sad when it become too cold to swim, but I won't miss this heat. Summers make me depressed as much as dark winters do. Only I actually love rain. But I do not love the heat. Or air conditioning fake air. Anyway, I'm trying to get in our last summer afternoon adventures.

I ordered some Charlotte's Webb from the Stanley Brothers in Colorado. The last I had heard there was no way to get any unless you lived there or were on their waiting list, which had requirements just to get on. Even the eldest Stanley brother made on one of their Ted Talks that even he couldn't use it because of priority demands. But I guess they have expanded more, reduced their THC content even further (I may be wrong as it was always very low), and state laws have improved. C.W. is now considered a supplement and not a class 1 drug, so I'm looking forward to getting in about a week in the mail.

#tween

#tween



OMG its not fair. Its completely wrong that my eldest who is 12, and taller than me - heck he's taller than most men already! - is going through those weird changes. The hair in awkward places, the beginnings of acne, the body that looks like a 16 year old at theleast! Its not fair. Tonight i had to take him out hunting for shoes and he's already in a size 13... the same size as his father. Shit. If I'd known it would be like this getting together with a freakin' giant (dad is 6'4").

#9 lives of cats

So at the moment Im actually feeling quite sad. Husband left today for a week and Im having a hard time, crying off and on, simply because he's not here. Yeah. Good times. I've basically been in my cave all day with no and little desire to come out. I fed the kids once. That was good, I guess. They rummaged the rest.

I don't know how I get this way. I could easily just say, "Yes, it sucks my husband is gone, and i will miss him, but Im happy because {insert reason}." Then I could move on with my life and not let it all get me down. But my brain doesn't work that way. It doesn't help that Im on my period, and the world is in turmoil. Ive been more than a little preoccupied with the news lately. OMG the world has lost its mind.

**********************************

We have 9 cats now: 4 adults, 5 kittens. We were able to find a home for only 1 of the kittens so far, and I have no idea what will happen to the rest, although we are already very attached to them. Ideas for how to cat-proof the backyard fence have been floating around, as I don't want all these kitties to live strictly in the house. Who doesn't need sunshine?

**********************************

On the topic of sunshine:
I really hate this heat. I sometimes feel that I would probably feel better if I just stepped outside in the summer warmth and sunlight for a few minutes, but my mind fights against this. I am a stimophobe. This isn't even a real word, but basically what I mean to say is that anything that will overstimulate me is something I don't want to have anything to do with if I can help it. The summer heat SUCKS here. I never feel acclimated to it, and the last couple of years I think I've just given up. I also hate the artificiality of air conditioning, but I've given up trying to do anything else but sit inside. Its like the winter blues but in summer. Plus, I can't open the front door anymore because we have no screen door, and since Im a lazy ass wuss I have to rely on Husband to help me. Of course, he's never in a hurry to get anything done. So basically nothing gets accomplished. Surprise surprise.

I also get anxious thinking about solicitors and Jehovas Witnesses coming to the door, which they do often. It makes me anxious in a way that makes me angry. Its a control thing. One does NOT just come up to my door without notice, and one does not just come up to my door... for anything. Im not a person who wants to look at, or be seen, by anybody. This is another big reason I sometimes can't leave the house. I can't explain this.

Most summers i don't mind using the swamp cooler instead of the air conditioner. I prefer that it doesn't produce artificially cold air, and make me sick, and dry out my sinuses. But it broke. And as I mentioned, I've kind of given up trying to deal with this heat.

On a positive note, and one that does make me happy with, I've taken the boys to the lake a few times this summer. I would like to take them every day, or every other day, but I take them when I can. Usually at the end of the day when the heat is not as severe, and there are less people at the spot we go to. We only stay for around an hour, but I does wonders for me somehow. And the boys enjoy that end-of-the-day exercise and fun. So I try to take them often.

***********************************

Hubs and i try to go for evening walks or bike rides after dinner. That also is great for our mood, although because he's always home so late, there's usually a pressure to end the day abruptly so he can get ready for the next work day. It makes me feel so guilty that he works and I don't. It makes me so angry that his job requires so much of him... or that he gives so much of himself to it... He's always been a workaholic and this was something we talked about before we even got married. I don't know what I can do about it now, though.

***********************************

Ive been reading through Dr. John Macdougall's Starch Solution and trying really hard to un-bork our eating styles. I used to be a vegetarian, and even been through a serious fasting regimen to purge myself of cravings for foods that were literally making me sick. I ate great for a long time, and had really good blood stats. I can't blame my husband for me falling off the wagon... I didn't fight him on a lot of things. Basically  I know I can't take pressure, and succumb easily to whatever pressure is on me. Now Im paying the price. I feel terrible and not just from being depressed and miserable. But my energy is crap, I can't think, I can't concentrate, I can't even see properly. Im killing myself and I need to change... But short of shipping myself off somewhere in quiet and solitude, I can't see myself ever really getting better. I will keep trying, of course. But im scared.

Im trying to leave the house to work on a project at church. But ...

via chat to my husband:

im having a very difficult time leaving the house. this sucks. I keep saying "we'll leave in a little bit" but we're still here. and then Eldest asked if we could "go to barnes and noble real quick" and i was like "NO". I feel bad. But what can i do? What am i supposed to do? what is expected of me? I never get to take care of myself. this is why people are drunks.

*************************************************

I have been tasked with doing some more "projects". I didn't feel immediate stress like i have in the past and i think its because ive been so freakin tired. You know the kind of tired where you pretty much dont feel anything. Its been like that. You know the kind of tired where it makes you sick, like you've been up all night and ready to retch by the morning. On top of that, Ive been feeling sick in other ways too gross to write about here. So im basically just being a grouch?? Im also just tired of people who always seem to want something from me. (That last thought might be an overstatement or irrational belief, or some other nonsense thing my therapist would say to me.)

So a family is getting baptised in our church. Its a wonderful thing. Im very happy for them. At the same time it was me and one other person who got saddled with doing 6 robes at the last minute. I wouldnt have minded doing one, maybe two, and over a period of a couple of weeks. But we were supposed to gather a group of people together to work on the project TOGETHER. Of course, when only one or two people can sew, the whole effort is pointless. (I don't even really know what im doing when i make these robes. I sort of just hack it...)  And i had a feeling it would end up the way it did. Like what did they think would happen? And I had no idea who could or couldnt sew. So of course myself and another woman were like asked if we could do them all. I just didn't/don't appreciate having to do it all at the last week. Like, where is the communication? Our priest doesn't communicate well either. He lets people know at the last minute of the things they're supposed to do to prepare. Im just really annoyed. At the same time, like i said, im very happy for the family coming in. They are really sweet.

I just wanted to write this out as its obviously bothering me, especially on a day like today where Im supposed to get to my church to work on the robes i have left, only Im struggling to leave. I guess its anxiety, what else would it be. I start to feel it come up, but then it settles. Im constantly bouncing from distraction to distraction. I think it must "relieve" the anxiousness in some way, so that when I start to turn my attention back to what my main focus should be, it comes back. So yea. Today is not good. 

I will try my best to leave eventually as these things have to be done by tomorrow/saturday morning at latest. Im terrified the other person wont be able to finish theirs and I'll have to do those ones too. 

I know why im scared to tell people anything about my "problems"...

I had a realization this past weekend when my mother came to visit. I was telling her about some issues I was dealing with and some things that give me a bit of a panic and ... she starts laughing at me. Of course, when i point out awesome it was that she could laugh at me for having real problems, she was quick to point out she was laughing at me to spite me... Whateverthefuck that means. So you're not laughing at me, but laughing with me? Only, I was never laughing.

Anyway, I realized this is a very typical pattern from my mother, which is why i don't tell her anything either. The past few years I've felt my mom and i getting closer, then something will happen and I'll pull away, and then closer again, and then pull away again.... I guess Im back in pull away mode. And i think i will not be initiating any more conversation about myself with her.

There is ONE awful memory i have of my mom laughing at me and mocking me. Our whole family was fighting, and at one point my mother came into my room and we were yelling at each other for who-knows-what. I want to say I was in middle school at the time. I told her how much it hurt me that she never paid attention to me, that she was coming home from work and immediately yelling at me, and that she never hugged me. Yeah, I told her that. And she laughed at me, out loud, and proceeded to try and hug me while "consoling me" in one of those baby-talk voices.

I had years and years as a kid of seeing her come home from work and dote on my little brother, while I got yelled at for not cleaning my room or - who knows whateverthefuck it was. I do not exaggerate. For many many years it was awkward to even tell my mother "I love you", so I never said it. If it did get said it was by my mother first - like after a phone conversation -  to which i would respond with the same words, but never with heart. Growing up, it was never said. I never heard "I love you" or remember being hugged a real hug of love from my mom. (My dad maybe a little more, but he was/is psycho, bouncing from telling me I was a loser and stupid and ugly etc, so i was just constantly getting mindfucked from that side.) I guess for a long time i didnt even know if I did love my mom. I sometimes still dont know. Hugs, like at birthday/holiday gatherings or whatever were awkward, and so they never really happened organically either. Only in the most recent years has a hug and kiss on the cheek, and an 'I love you' at the end of phone conversations, not felt overly weird. It still feels weird, just not overly weird.

Anyway. Im not sure what to do with this information. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't think I would have any relationship with my mother. I did it for them. And for her, because I didn't want to feel guilty about keeping them away from her. She's good to them. I guess. They love her. She loves them. Im stuck with her at about this point. And there's other drama that I could talk about right now but its exhausting, and Im trying not to put my head in too dark a place when it comes to my relationship with her.

#short, sweet

I am super annoyed right now.

Its 1am. Im hyped up on allergy meds but my eyes and sleepy. Plans just changed on me/us, and then we're just expected to accommodate. NOT COOL.

*whispers* Its not the situation which is upsetting me, its the way I think about it....
hmmm.

***

I've been having a little bits of - I dont know what you would call them - breakthroughs? (Wow, that sounds lame.)  I think I know how to handle this current situation, and subsequent annoyances,  but I need to shift my thinking just a bit. I have therapy tomorrow so I may or may not be addressing this with Psych. These sessions are so intense and overwhelming that I often just collapse the rest of the day or weekend, so I don't actually know how -- oh shit i can't remember of the word.  I guess my brain really is fried right now. Reminds me of when i was preggers and I'd forget ... everything. The best time was when I forgot the word 'door'. As in, "Please hang your jacket over by the... the thing... over there... THAT." *Points to the front door.* It's the joke that never quits in our house even after 8,9,10 years or whatever. I still frequently forget simple everyday words.

ok, the end.

#throwing things away

(taken from another of my blogs:) 

update:

Every now and then my ex boyfriend from hella-ages-ago pops up on my radar, reading my Twitter & blogs. Or perhaps it is his girlfriend doing it rather than him, since I know she has also read my things in the past. Either way it's... Im not sure. Creepy? Weird? Unnerving? I often wonder if [whoever-it-is] has a genuine interest that comes from a good place in their heart, or if they're just interested in seeing if I've failed at life yet. Im going to try really hard not to pick up my blog and go home, and stick it out for a while since writing has always been a therapy for me. Perhaps one day I'll merge this space with my other blog, but for now a separate space for a somewhat separate focus is good for me. As far as blogging goes, an insincere lurking does kind of get to me. Well, my therapist would say that I'm making irrational assumptions! nnnggg.

***

Im in the process of throwing things away. I might have to wait until the evening before trash day so I won't have lingering thoughts of WHAT i've tossed. That's part of why I didn't want to even take pictures of the things Im getting rid of. Why even hold onto it virtually?
~old photos of people no longer in my life.
~track and field stuff from ages and ages ago.
~birthday cards.
~random things I collected and really liked at the time, but serve no use or purpose now.
Its scary how much emotional baggage is bundled up in stuff that we accumulate and hold onto for years and years. That's how it is for me, anyway.

I couldn't even say what the next step in this process is. So far, it's like forcing myself to admit that some dreams are just dead...or that some dreams aren't even ones I have anymore... or even that the person who who wanted those dreams (me) is dead, or gone, or forgotten.  Sometimes its like reliving things I don't want to relive, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Its more like a trigger at times. Its hard to put into words. Going through some of these things is a bit of a relief, but at the same time very uncomfortable. It would be better to just not pay attention or go through any of it, but just chuck it ALL, whatever it may be. Things own us, not the other way around.

Mostly, I just feel bad putting more crap into the landfill.

***

\/ \/ Im learning what this means. Its beautiful and I want it so badly... but Im not sure how to do it yet. God help me see. Perhaps my cleansing and clearing is part of that. \/ \/

 …we are men who have no patience and no desire for a little labor and [no desire] to brace ourselves to accept anything with humility. Therefore we are crushed [by our difficulties]. The more we run away from temptations, the more they weigh us down and the less we are able to drive them away. Suppose a man for some reason dives into the sea: if he knows the art of swimming what does he do when a great wave comes along? He ducks under until it goes past and then he goes on swimming unharmed. But if he is determined to set himself against it, it pushes him away and hurls him back a great distance, and when again he begins to swim forward another wave comes upon him, and if he again tries to swim against it, again it forces him back, and he only tires himself out and makes no headway. But if he ducks his head and lowers himself under the wave, as I said, no harm comes to him and he continues to swim as long as he likes. Those who go on doing their work this way when they are in trouble, putting up with their temptations with patience and humility, come through unharmed. But if they get distressed and downcast, seeking the reasons for everything, tormenting themselves and being annoyed with themselves instead of helping themselves, they do themselves harm. If painful experiences crowd in upon us, we ought not to be disturbed; allowing ourselves to be disturbed by these experiences is sheer ignorance and pride because we are not recognizing our own condition and, as the Fathers tell us, we are running away from labor…we want to acquire virtue without effort. --St. Dorotheos of Gaza

journal: for cbt: updated throughout the day for my own recording.

Today I feel grumpy, have no desire to talk, or be around anyone. This house sucks the life out of me....
(note: add a verse that can aid)

Feeling angry that husband is gone at work
^I never get to see him
   ^He's going to be gone all day
      ^He might even be stressed out.
        ^I hate being here at home and without him.

     

          *I will spend time with him tonight

              ^yes but its always at night, when he's exhausted, and we hide from the kids.

          *I can still talk to him on voxer.

          *He might not be stressed out.

          *Maybe we can get out of the house too

               ^all the bs that entails: everyone dressed, get myself dressed when i dont want to be, i dont want to be around people, I don't want to deal with the kids and their drama because I  can't even deal with mine.

                                *Ok, but maybe you can do a coffee kiosk with the kids and then come home

I have to go to the shops.

^chaos

   ^loud

      ^always feels like herding the kids

         ^miserable concrete driving, busy cars, disgusting lights

*Lets start now so that when we're ready to go it won't be a stressful timetable

*bring your headphones

*remember to warn kids beforehand

*try to focus on the sky, go the scenic way to see less "city"

*only get a few things at store, in adn out

1145

*Today is a day I feel like Im going to bust. Like I can't control what's inside. So I just sit here and hope I can calm myself. Like I can't handle what's inside. Like I want to bang my head into the wall. I might have some wine right now, then head for a shower.*

I feel so lost and I dont know who I am.
^I have no time for my own interests
   ^I suck whenever i try to "do" my own interests
      ^Im so distracted that I can't even think
         ^I have a ton of things I need to get done so I can clear that "distraction"
             >omg i have a TON of things I need to get done and I dont think I can do it.

*You are busy, but taking care of kids is more important

^I don't even take care of them properly

*just love and support them (??)

*You 'suck' only because you dont have time to practice/learn more, but that can change

*patience

*Little steps to changing the way things are. Little steps each day. 

*toss things away every day

*I thought I'd be dead by now. Im in uncharted territory. I could not have imagined what my life would be like around this time (40). I always just didn't think about it because I couldn't imagine anything. Like I knew I'd be dead, and there's was just no way to see anything beyond 20s or 30s. I don't know what i mean exactly, but something like that. Nobody knows what their life is going to be like, that's the nature of the Future. But I couldn't even tell what I dreamed about for myself. So i keep going back to childhood dreams. Which i know isn't rational,...or even what I am anymore.... I don't think...I don't even know.)

Andrew is running up and down the hall and then yelling at Owen
^How the hell am I supposed to not be "stressed out" by this noise?
   ^There is no way other than drugs to not be overwhelmed by this shit.
      ^These kids make me want to get drunk and leave reality. This is why I drink.
    ^Every word or thought coming into my head is the the Fbomb.
   ^I scream at him to shut-up and stop thumping and yelling.
     ^OMG everything Im hearing from him eating his fucking toast is pissing me off

        *Be still.
*Lord have mercy

*The fact that noises and that really unnerve me, to the point that I don't even realize I've lost any control until I start screaming, pisses me off in itself.*

*Went to RiteAid to fill prescription. Took forever, my blood sugar was low, I was exhausted, and ended up leaving with no more patience. Driving home I start thinking how Jim and I weren't meant to be together, we weren't a match for each other (No one is a match, we work hard no matter who we're married to), Im annoyed that people want things from me and I cant clear my head to do it either properly or at all, so the stress of that lingering over me pisses me off, leading me to then be pissed off at that person, and any and all people who would ever ask me for anything. I imagine that they wouldnt understand what my problem is, or downplay it, think me spoiled or something, and then I continue to get angry, wanting to "run away", avoid, find a way to move (Im not kidding), or just otherwise not have to deal with people anymore.

*Came home from dinner, entire evening was off/on managing of bickering, loudness, regulating, etc. On the way home things escalated, kids bickering, and I lose it, start screaming at everyone. Then I turn back around, try to catch my breath, try to concentrate on calming down. We are passing a truck and Im thinking: I can just open my door and fall out. My hand reaching for the latch, nobody notices. Im thinking about my seat belt, can I do it all at the same time. What would happen??? Oh god I'd die. Im am so overwhelmed with "bad" feelings. Everything at once is the only way to describe it. Desperation for it to end. But no end in sight. Then I think about the kids. I think: Jim would hate me if I did this. The thought keeps coming for a few minutes, and then the opportunity has passed, and so I can start calming down again. What would that do to the kids? We come home but I cannot leave the car; I cannot go inside. Jim has to go in with them, he puts them to bed, experiences resistance from them, and lays into them. Why does everything have to get so extreme before they take us even remotely seriously??

# purging

I took a lot of my handbags to the goodwill today. I never owned fancy ones, I just have a bad habit of collecting things. I think a lot of it is from constantly being dissatisfied with clothing and accessories, and *settling* for whatever is easily available or ready-to-wear. My hatred for the whole stupid system of ready-to-wear has grown over the years, that Im basically just giving up. I guess that's good if you're a person trying to curb your consumerism.

I wanted to take a picture of my crap but decided against it, thinking that it might only serve to make me miss my old stuff, something that can happen to me after I get rid of things. I guess I have another bad habit of developing very strong emotional attachment to *stuff*, something I hate about myself. Best not to look at the past, only forward.

Next phase:
clothes.
Or makeup. I'd love to get rid of aaaalllll my makeup, but I don't have quite that much confidence yet.

edit:
what the fuk is all this horrid random violence against children? Just read a horrible story from Taiwan. Another assault on a tiny child similar to the one from Russia a month or so ago. Disgusting. One day the children will have their justice.

# van dwelling

Current Notes:
Bed - twin mattress, a door as platform, and 4 raisers to create room underneath for storage.
Windows - tint, curtains with bungee top and bottom
Floor - area rug 7x4
Clothes rod - to hang across the side handles
Driver and passenger chairs - sew chair covers with pockets
Storage - plastic drawers
Food - rice cooker, large water bottle possibly with a hand pump, a drawer for storage
Mosquito screens with magnets
Key fob alarm worn at night on lanyard
Fake candles and real fire jar candles to put in cup holders
Small table for cooking/eating
Camping chairs
things to do: reading, crochet, hand sew, flute
a kitty to cuddle

# actually doeeeng it! maybe.

There's lots going on at the moment. Lent has started, and some crazy unstable emotional challenges have taken over me. Ive had to seek out yet another therapist, although i do believe this guy is a proper experienced psychologist. And there's some other things I dont really have the time or energy to address. Nor do i have the emotional stability to get into it in my head. Instead, what I did want to write about super-quick is: I think Im getting really close now to being able to move into my van.

Ok. Backstory:
There was one particular summer when we set up a tent in the backyard, and just camped out every few days. It was awesome - especially when it rained -  but it was uncomfortably hot in the mornings due to direct sunshine and hot, norcal valley temperatures. I've also been in love with the Tumbleweed/tiny house movement, cob house community, vandweller groups, gypsy travelers, minimalism, etc etc etc, for a number of years now. Suffice to say that Ive only been dreaming thus far. As much as i want aspects of those things, I can't seem to make anything come about to fruition. And its been FRUSTRATING.

So for various reasons I've been really bummed about the above frustration because my mental health requires drastic changes that each of these movements/lifestyles requires. I don't think I would necessarily want to be gypsy-living for a very long time, but mostly Im attracted to the ability to up-and-go because of my tendency toward impulsivity, and "running away". Im also attracted to the minimalism one must live out while vandwelling because my broken brain is constantly distracted/ overwhelmed/ sidetracked/ fogged up/ etc etc etc by all the physical crap surrounding the house, and various other unnecessary, yet thrust upon me, responsibilities.

I've been really fighting with this idea that I can "move out" and vagabond with the kids in the van. I know they would be miserable unless we had a proper RV with beds and places to hang out inside when they get tired. (Our long road trips and occasional overnight sleeps in the van have shown this to me.) My dream would be simply this: a perpetual camp-out here and there around the forests and beaches and occasional parking lots. My goal is to eliminate distractions, to not obstruct God from my life, and to ultimately bring peacefulness in my mind, body, spirit. Realistically, at this time, Im not sure that all that can be done in a life on the road with 3 kids.

That said~
I know Im a nutter. But that does't mean Im wrong in my goals or needs. I just think different. Perhaps I think better. There is nothing "natural" about the way we live already. The only thing I would regret as far as van living is that I would still be very much dependent on city life for groceries and supplies - a point which disturbs me greatly as my soul longs for a more peaceful existence on a little bit of land in the wild, with a garden, a tiny dwelling, silence all around, stillness, simplicity, hesychasm, and no need to come down to "the world", except maybe for specific or very necessary occasions.

So Im still in a paradox of desire. Actually, Im forced into it for the time being, because I have no money of my own, we are still in school load debt, and other crap I don't want to talk about. So Im doing the next best thing, I guess.

Well my plan is to clear out my car, set up a bed, and basically move in as much as possible without being overwhelmed. Im not exactly sure how its going to work out. Im not sure how bad it will be to use the van with all my crap in there. Im not sure I want to use the van with all the kids, because my crap is in there. The whole point is to make it my safe space, and not for it to remain in it's current BabyBus occupation. I don't know what im trying to say. Maybe I expect too much. I was imagining that I could leave the house at night time after putting kids and hubs to bed, like Blessed Xenia leaving the city to head for the fields to pray during the night.  Then I'd return in the morning to take care of the kids. I dont know, I dont know, I don't know. This plan has flaws, and sounds exhausting. I don't know anything. I just know that i have to do something.

# where do dreams go when they die?

Lately Im finding that the dreams I would love to indulge in, watch endless Youtube videos about, are giving me - wait for it - anxiety! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

So it is my dream of dreams to live self sufficiently, minimally, in a tiny house or something similar like a tiny cob house, amongst nature, in peace and quiet. I think my nerves really need and require the whole "peace and quiet" thing. And lately, things have not been so peace and quiet here. I've been having a lot of bad feeling about keeping the kids home (homeschool) and want to just send them back. But in all honesty, that would not be the best for them. It might be the best for me, but somehow that seems selfish. As a mom, I guess I just suffer over this and ... pffft, I don't know. I can't think very clearly about it right now anyway. And  sometimes I just find that I go through very difficult times where I can't expose myself to those dreams or videos because of the anxiety of not being able to attain them is overwhelming.

I don't think the dreams are "dead" as in Never-Going-To-Happen,  but it's a similar experience to when I read too much of the news and become overwhelmed by all the horrible shit in the world. I can't do anything about it right now. God, even that sounds like a shitty thing to say. I can't do anything about it. I think that's what sends me over the edge - it's that feeling of hopelessness or powerlessness.

A couple of weeks ago I freaked out and piled the kids into the car for what was suppose to be just an afternoon drive. They were fighting, arguing, and I was just sick of it and on the precipice of turning into a raging bitch. I think I had already been screaming at everyone to STFU. So we piled into the car and I just drove. I didn't know where I was going. All I knew was that I didn't want to go back home. So I kept driving north. Passed all the familiar stops we like. Kept passing, kept passing. I said, "Eff it, lets go into the next state." So we did. I ended up doing a loop around to the coast and we came home like 2 days later or something.

Here's some pics of what we saw as we traveled through the forest and into the ocean, and back into the forest, and then eventually home. I miss having the forest and ocean together. It is so "NorCal", & southern oregon coast. I also think I would do well in the tropics - very warm/hot, near the ocean, but with frequent warm rains. I've been tinkering with the idea of traveling to Florida, but Im not sure how that would happen with the kids. Also, for fun, I did start doing a little redecorating in the cockpit of my car. My car is a minivan, so I should I at least start trying to have some fun in it. And well, eh, its not all bad. We call it the Baby Bus, and it's taken care of us pretty well over the years.