(taken from another of my blogs:)
update:
Every now and then my ex boyfriend from hella-ages-ago pops up on my radar, reading my Twitter & blogs. Or perhaps it is his girlfriend doing it rather than him, since I know she has also read my things in the past. Either way it's... Im not sure. Creepy? Weird? Unnerving? I often wonder if [whoever-it-is] has a genuine interest that comes from a good place in their heart, or if they're just interested in seeing if I've failed at life yet. Im going to try really hard not to pick up my blog and go home, and stick it out for a while since writing has always been a therapy for me. Perhaps one day I'll merge this space with my other blog, but for now a separate space for a somewhat separate focus is good for me. As far as blogging goes, an insincere lurking does kind of get to me. Well, my therapist would say that I'm making irrational assumptions! nnnggg.
***
Im in the process of throwing things away. I might have to wait until the evening before trash day so I won't have lingering thoughts of WHAT i've tossed. That's part of why I didn't want to even take pictures of the things Im getting rid of. Why even hold onto it virtually?
~old photos of people no longer in my life.
~track and field stuff from ages and ages ago.
~birthday cards.
~random things I collected and really liked at the time, but serve no use or purpose now.
Its scary how much emotional baggage is bundled up in stuff that we accumulate and hold onto for years and years. That's how it is for me, anyway.
I couldn't even say what the next step in this process is. So far, it's like forcing myself to admit that some dreams are just dead...or that some dreams aren't even ones I have anymore... or even that the person who who wanted those dreams (me) is dead, or gone, or forgotten. Sometimes its like reliving things I don't want to relive, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Its more like a trigger at times. Its hard to put into words. Going through some of these things is a bit of a relief, but at the same time very uncomfortable. It would be better to just not pay attention or go through any of it, but just chuck it ALL, whatever it may be. Things own us, not the other way around.
Mostly, I just feel bad putting more crap into the landfill.
***
…we are men who have no patience and no desire for a little labor and [no desire] to brace ourselves to accept anything with humility. Therefore we are crushed [by our difficulties]. The more we run away from temptations, the more they weigh us down and the less we are able to drive them away. Suppose a man for some reason dives into the sea: if he knows the art of swimming what does he do when a great wave comes along? He ducks under until it goes past and then he goes on swimming unharmed. But if he is determined to set himself against it, it pushes him away and hurls him back a great distance, and when again he begins to swim forward another wave comes upon him, and if he again tries to swim against it, again it forces him back, and he only tires himself out and makes no headway. But if he ducks his head and lowers himself under the wave, as I said, no harm comes to him and he continues to swim as long as he likes. Those who go on doing their work this way when they are in trouble, putting up with their temptations with patience and humility, come through unharmed. But if they get distressed and downcast, seeking the reasons for everything, tormenting themselves and being annoyed with themselves instead of helping themselves, they do themselves harm. If painful experiences crowd in upon us, we ought not to be disturbed; allowing ourselves to be disturbed by these experiences is sheer ignorance and pride because we are not recognizing our own condition and, as the Fathers tell us, we are running away from labor…we want to acquire virtue without effort. --St. Dorotheos of Gaza
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