via chat to my husband:
im having a very difficult time leaving the house. this sucks. I keep saying "we'll leave in a little bit" but we're still here. and then Eldest asked if we could "go to barnes and noble real quick" and i was like "NO". I feel bad. But what can i do? What am i supposed to do? what is expected of me? I never get to take care of myself. this is why people are drunks.
*************************************************
I have been tasked with doing some more "projects". I didn't feel immediate stress like i have in the past and i think its because ive been so freakin tired. You know the kind of tired where you pretty much dont feel anything. Its been like that. You know the kind of tired where it makes you sick, like you've been up all night and ready to retch by the morning. On top of that, Ive been feeling sick in other ways too gross to write about here. So im basically just being a grouch?? Im also just tired of people who always seem to want something from me. (That last thought might be an overstatement or irrational belief, or some other nonsense thing my therapist would say to me.)
So a family is getting baptised in our church. Its a wonderful thing. Im very happy for them. At the same time it was me and one other person who got saddled with doing 6 robes at the last minute. I wouldnt have minded doing one, maybe two, and over a period of a couple of weeks. But we were supposed to gather a group of people together to work on the project TOGETHER. Of course, when only one or two people can sew, the whole effort is pointless. (I don't even really know what im doing when i make these robes. I sort of just hack it...) And i had a feeling it would end up the way it did. Like what did they think would happen? And I had no idea who could or couldnt sew. So of course myself and another woman were like asked if we could do them all. I just didn't/don't appreciate having to do it all at the last week. Like, where is the communication? Our priest doesn't communicate well either. He lets people know at the last minute of the things they're supposed to do to prepare. Im just really annoyed. At the same time, like i said, im very happy for the family coming in. They are really sweet.
I just wanted to write this out as its obviously bothering me, especially on a day like today where Im supposed to get to my church to work on the robes i have left, only Im struggling to leave. I guess its anxiety, what else would it be. I start to feel it come up, but then it settles. Im constantly bouncing from distraction to distraction. I think it must "relieve" the anxiousness in some way, so that when I start to turn my attention back to what my main focus should be, it comes back. So yea. Today is not good.
I will try my best to leave eventually as these things have to be done by tomorrow/saturday morning at latest. Im terrified the other person wont be able to finish theirs and I'll have to do those ones too.
No comments:
Post a Comment