I know why im scared to tell people anything about my "problems"...

I had a realization this past weekend when my mother came to visit. I was telling her about some issues I was dealing with and some things that give me a bit of a panic and ... she starts laughing at me. Of course, when i point out awesome it was that she could laugh at me for having real problems, she was quick to point out she was laughing at me to spite me... Whateverthefuck that means. So you're not laughing at me, but laughing with me? Only, I was never laughing.

Anyway, I realized this is a very typical pattern from my mother, which is why i don't tell her anything either. The past few years I've felt my mom and i getting closer, then something will happen and I'll pull away, and then closer again, and then pull away again.... I guess Im back in pull away mode. And i think i will not be initiating any more conversation about myself with her.

There is ONE awful memory i have of my mom laughing at me and mocking me. Our whole family was fighting, and at one point my mother came into my room and we were yelling at each other for who-knows-what. I want to say I was in middle school at the time. I told her how much it hurt me that she never paid attention to me, that she was coming home from work and immediately yelling at me, and that she never hugged me. Yeah, I told her that. And she laughed at me, out loud, and proceeded to try and hug me while "consoling me" in one of those baby-talk voices.

I had years and years as a kid of seeing her come home from work and dote on my little brother, while I got yelled at for not cleaning my room or - who knows whateverthefuck it was. I do not exaggerate. For many many years it was awkward to even tell my mother "I love you", so I never said it. If it did get said it was by my mother first - like after a phone conversation -  to which i would respond with the same words, but never with heart. Growing up, it was never said. I never heard "I love you" or remember being hugged a real hug of love from my mom. (My dad maybe a little more, but he was/is psycho, bouncing from telling me I was a loser and stupid and ugly etc, so i was just constantly getting mindfucked from that side.) I guess for a long time i didnt even know if I did love my mom. I sometimes still dont know. Hugs, like at birthday/holiday gatherings or whatever were awkward, and so they never really happened organically either. Only in the most recent years has a hug and kiss on the cheek, and an 'I love you' at the end of phone conversations, not felt overly weird. It still feels weird, just not overly weird.

Anyway. Im not sure what to do with this information. If it wasn't for my kids, I don't think I would have any relationship with my mother. I did it for them. And for her, because I didn't want to feel guilty about keeping them away from her. She's good to them. I guess. They love her. She loves them. Im stuck with her at about this point. And there's other drama that I could talk about right now but its exhausting, and Im trying not to put my head in too dark a place when it comes to my relationship with her.