Salad

Ive been eating a lot more veggies lately. It started with salad, then cabbage soup, then more salad. Still waiting on the energy boost that i was promised. Actually, i bounced out of bed today at 5am after sleeping for three or four hours. So that’s a start.

I’ve also been super bloated but since I’m on my womanly time I’m hoping it will subside in a few days, and I’m not just expanding. I’m sick of being fat. I’m sick of feeling sick. So I’m going to stick with the salad for a while.

It’s not been easy for me lately. But if i can get a handle on my diet that would at least be something positive. I’m still not exercising. It’s been dreadful. I’m going to call tomorrow to find someone who can help dx my adhd etc. I really want to get this taken care of before school. I’m dreading my anxiety. 

 

Summer SADs

 I’ve been super depressed with the heat and no ability to stay cool. My coping mechanisms have been big time frustration and anger. 

Was desperately feeling not just like running away but even separating from my husband, blaming him for this misery im in. The misery, in my mind, was a huge pile of disappointment after disappointment that was coming up from the past, feelings of being trapped, of being fully dependent on him, of no way to help myself out of this situation, all of it building and building. 

I woke from a nap feeling very hot and frustrated to not have control over my own body that i ended up throwing a fit in the bathroom, slamming my body into the door repeatedly, & tearing down the shower curtain.

I feel like an effing crazy person.

Today he came home for lunch and visited us, bringing burgers. It was really nice to see him. And i suppose i felt less abandoned. 

I still feel really fragile and unstable but it’s an exhausted unstableness. All i do i cry now when i feel overwhelmed. 

cabbage soup summer

Ive been eating a bunch of salad lately, which has been nice. I like my salads, but they're probably not great for weight loss the way that i make them. They were also supposed to help me tolerate the heat better but im not sure they've done that. 

I added in the famous cabbage soup diet soup for variety. I usually like to add meat for the boys to eat, but they'll often have it plain too. Im going to continue to have it in supply mostly for myself to fall back on and maybe try to do longer term cycling. I think I could do it but i might have to tweak some things. 

It is so easy to make. Chopped head of cabbage, an entire thingy of celery, leaves and all, one whole onion, one large can of stewed or diced or purred tomatoes with herbs. One packet of onion soup, and i also add extra salt, italian seasoning, cumin, pepper flakes, garlic powder. . .  whatever i feel like really. I had a bag of sweet bell peppers that were starting to go bad so I had to add those in as well. Its a really great soup now, lol. 

Basic cabbage soup! With carrots! I don't think carrots are allowed but i really love carrots and the sweetness really helps. My goal is to stick with it for a week, soup only... maybe a little bit of fruit. I'd like to be able to alternate it with my salads but I usually add beans and corn to my salads, so that might slow down any weight loss. Anyway, after a week of the diet I will take one day off to eat "normal"... meatloaf and mashed potatoes... something good and comfort food. Since its summer and pretty hot, Im not sure how appealing it will be. After one or two days off, its back to the soup diet.

I do notice a little bit of extra energy when I pile on the vegetables, which is really what i need. My energy has been so bad and Im afraid for going back to school. The only bad thing is when I decide to be dumb and drink a caffeinated coffee. The crash is SO bad. It really screwed me up for the entire day this past week. 

 I don’t know where to start. I’m feeling especially snowflake-ish, especially down and disgusted with myself.

I want to fast but it’s because i hate myself. I hate my body. 

Its currently Monday and 2 ish, and i haven’t eaten yet. I’m not especially hungry but somehow the thought of trying to make it through 5 days is freaking me out. 

I wish i could go back and do carnivore, 2017. Going to my moms to help her out ruined it. Was helping her the right thing to do? Yeah. Do i wish i didn’t do it? Yeah.

I want energy. Energy to go walking, to do exercise, to make better food choices. Why tf can’t i do this? Am i just lazy? Am i so overwhelmed with whatever tf this life is that I’m incapable of simply doing what i know is Good for me?

Why is getting out of bed so hard? Or having a routine? Why does nothing feel worth it? Or feel like it doesn’t matter? Those thoughts just make me feel worse. And i still don’t move out of bed.

I probably need to see a therapist. Need to get formally dx just to start better understanding why i do what i do. 

I’m getting ready to take a shower. I’m sitting on the toilet just having a quiet think and a write, and a cry. I have no space. No quiet space. No privacy. Would that make a difference? I kind of doubt it but i also know i need one. Maybe i don’t deserve it.

God do you hate me? Why is just living a normal regular life so hard for me? Why do you not help? Why do i keep doing this?