❀I recently didn’t leave my house for two weeks. Normally, in a fit of anxiousness, I will spontaneously exit the house at weird hours of the night and go grocery shopping or whatever, I think in a last ditch effort to be "productive" or just delay the ending of the day. Although the anxiety wasn’t as bad as it sometimes gets, I just couldn’t will myself to get out of the house. The kids have been pretty good, too. They will fight every now and then but in general they don’t seem to want to go anywhere either.
A few days ago I did have to leave the house (technically I had passed to the two week marker) to go to the market. Two weeks without going to the market will force you to use up all your stores of food - which is actually a good thing. My fridge was so tidy by the end of it all. And we even had less trash to take to the dump, so that was pretty insightful to how much waste a household makes.*****
Today is one of those days where I want to get out but can’t. My internal operations aren’t so great and I’m feeling pretty sickly at the moment. However, I’m fairly medicated so the anxiety - which was an issue during the morning hours - became lessened over the day. But I still had apprehension about getting Out There and just not enough motivation to MOVE.*****
This fucking sucks. I wan’t to get out but can’t because I’m either afraid of being around people, worried it’s going to suck (this has more to do with the kids and their sometimes unpredictable behavior), or… shit, I just can’t put my finger on it since it’s sometimes a combination of a ton of things and reasons. All legitimate? Maybe.*****
I think the depression just hit relatively hard today. I had a shit ton of self loathing for no reason but a ton of reasons. Plus, the husband and I were mirroring each other’s apprehensive feelings about leaving the house with the kids, and general depressed mood. That is never a good thing - two depressed people who can’t will themselves to do anything productive in an effort to feel better about life. We’re scrooood.*****
I’m hoping I can make up for productivity by staying up late to get some housework done. It’s been so hot, even inside, and my desire to do chores is nonexistent when the Littles are running around making messes and requiring food every couple of hours.*****
Fuck me. I hate myself.*****
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