❀my pit

I rule over aaaaalll the legos!

It's mid morning and I'm sinking down the rabbit hole. I haven't medicated yet and I'm not sure if I should. I've already reached the point in this experiment whereby if I don't medicate I feel dizzy and loopy. I should not be on the internet in this state. I've already read one horrible story that sent me into tears, and feel like punching the computer screen when I read lame-ass bitch tweets in Twitter.

(You can tell Im crazy right now because I'm cursing all over the place like a sailor .)

Man I'm just stuck in a pit of self loathing. I keep going round in circles about how I've accomplished nothing in life, the dreams I once had (or do have) are unattainable because Im too stupid to figure out how to make it happen, and that I'm a loser for feeling this way. The lingering feeling of dread and anxiousness that something bad is going to happen is getting heavier as the day goes by. I sometimes hear myself saying within my own head that I'm going to die and will have lead an unremarkable and shitty existence.

I do feel unclever though. I make the mistake of reading interesting articles and blogs on the things I want for myself and for the family. I read about how people are living out a tinyhouse or minimalist life, and how their debt is dwindling, and how they feel free and have more time to do fun things with the kids or whatever. I think - What the fuck is wrong with me that I can't make any of that happen?? I COULD accomplish something but I'm AFRAID to get it wrong. AFRAID I'll suck at it or waste my time because my daft idea was stupid. I have NO faith in myself.

This one is definitely MINE!

Sure I went to university and graduated with honors - eventually. To tell the truth, I can remember being in high school and not really knowing if I ever would go to college. I remember thinking that I wasn't good enough to go, or that it just seemed too unattainable for some reason. It wasn't because I didn't want it, I just didn't think it was ... realistic. Who was going to help me? Certainly not my parents! Even when I was in junior college I don't think a proper 4-year degree seemed like a real thing in my mind - to say nothing of a graduate degree which I nearly began before I fucked that up, too.

This is all the kind of bullshit one has to deal with when they grow up in a shitty family where one is a drunken pot-head depressed person who constantly tells you how much of a loser you are and won't amount to anything, and the other just wants to escape by shopping their problems away and screaming at everyone else who merely exists in her path. How much longer until I figure out that I am in control of my own life?! And that the old bullshit doesn't rule me anymore?! Is that even possible?

Our Dragonkitty when he was little. I can hear him thinking, "If you touch my Legos I will destroy you."