this is getting harder

Im not really sure what to do. I absolutely think it's time - time to get back on meds. It's kind of hard since "dealing" with these feelings/states-of-mind are so common and normal for me.

So I keep thinking I can just push through a little more. But I can't.

I think when my husband comes home from work I'll ask for his help. I don't even really know what I should be asking for but just that I should.

But I'm pretty close to having another non-functional phase.

I'm absolutely avoiding so many things at this moment.

I'm 34 and although I've done a little bit here and there with meds and therapy, I haven't done anything significant with it because I never see it all through to the end.

I think I'm starting to realize a lot of things like this right now. In a way this gives me more anxiety.

But at least I'm realizing something has to change. I can't sustain a life like this.

While I'm not the strongest and best example of a Christian, I am a believer. I think in a way that having faith has actually hurt me in some ways.

I definitely feel quick to "give up" because the thought of getting off this rock and all the hurt to be with God is so powerfully strong at times. I honestly don't know how I didnt die a long time ago, before my faith was even half what it is now.

But then I also have a ton of guilt (as if I didn't have enough to contend with) because being depressed is sinful, not having faith that the Lord will provide, etc.

I used to pray that God would take me in my sleep when I was very young. He never did. As I got older i would pray from relief from my depression and messed up way of thinking. But he didn't.

There are explainations for why "nothing" happened. You could say that my condition is just something similar to, say, cancer in that our bodies just get broken and require a doctor.

meds

Yep, I know I need meds. I've been on some. Had some success. Had some difficulty. I just don't stay on them because they eventually seem to stop working. Turns out - as my psychiatrist told me once - that when you go through your general practicioner they tend to not up the dosage, when that's usually what needs to occur. So instead you stay on the same, minimal dose, and things tend to get worse or back to the way they were. I'm usually seeking meds through a general practitioner

Anxiety: I think I need some Xanax type stuff. All this time I was so afraid I was going to end up bipolar like my dad... and I think it's just been crazy anxiety. I could laugh about this but it's really no consolation to make this realization, especially after already being diagnoses bipolar and going through that medication ordeal - Geodon...stuff is awful.

Our insurance is changing over in a couple of months and so I'm just going to wait it out until then. Besides, "dealing" with it is nothing new. I wonder what it will be like to feel mellow? Will I feel mellow? Will I feel anything? I just hope I don't feel like a zombie. I can't function feeling like a zombie.

Antidepressants: I just don't know how much will be taken care of by the anti-anxiety. It'd be nice to not have to cocktail it again. This whole figuring out 'which med is right for you' is such a load. Not that it's not necessary, but it sucks that it takes so long to figure these things out. I always know fairly quickly if a medicine is working correctly or not... I don't understand this whole 'wait x-weeks for your body to get used to it'. Maybe I'm just super sensitive. Or I'm that messed up that everything and anything will work for a time.

Well I guess I'm looking forward to getting on meds again, even if I really don't want to. Mostly, I just don't want to feel like I'm losing my mind.

happy thanksgiving

Ok, now Im just going to sound like a jerk, but big deal it's Thanksgiving. What are people thankful for? The one's that can celebrate with a huge ass feast - are they thankful for everything in their life? Are we only grateful and thankful when things are relatively good? What happens when all of that is gone - are people still thankful for the little things?

I feel guilty today. There are so many others out there who have nothing. Third world countries with entire populations suffering. I have no desire to "feast" and celebrate when others are in despair. We should be thankful and thinking of others everyday. But this is probably where a huge source of my depression comes from. (When the kids are older I would love to go away on humanitarian missions and such.) And I don't necessarily understand that because I really should be happy, grateful, and giving thanks that I'm not homeless or starving, you know? And that all my kids are healthy and the rest of it.

So for some reason the depression hit me hard today. I have no motivation or energy for anything. I don't feel happy. I don't necessarily feel sad. I just don't really feel anything. Actually, I guess I do feel kind of sad, though I can't pinpoint it. And I am finding myself getting angry in a general sense, but also while thinking about something that happened to us about a year ago with someone. I really would love to punch that jerk in the face...but I digress. I'm in a foul mood today. And I don't know why it should it hit me today and not, say, yesterday. Unless this whole thing just seems like it's hitting hard today when, in fact, it would have hit anyway. These kind of days are not unusual. It's just that usually Im acting out on my anger or anxiety. Today I just don't have the energy. Truth be told, I would rather have this kind of depression - where I'm just too weak to act out on my feeling, or react to stuff... because I'm usually so horrible a person in those states.

But I did wish my friends on Twitter and Facebook a happy and safe day, even if all I want to do is just want to crawl back into bed.

talking to myself

My life is a fucking wreck....

That's what's going through my mind right now. My kids are home for the stupid Thanksgiving holiday week. I don't want to be a mom right now. I don't want to be anything. I just want to hide and be hidden. I want to fucking stay away from everybody. My house is a mess. I hate living here. I hate everything.

I'm a loser.....

That's what my dad would tell all of us when we were younger. I didn't believe him - or at least I always told him to shut his fucking face - but I guess after years of hearing it the words never leave you. I always hear that fucking voice. In my head. Telling me that I'm a loser. Right now I think it's right.

I fail...

I fail at everything. I fail at motherhood. God I fail so fucking hard. I never thought I would be this kind of mum. I never wanted to be this kind of mum. My kids have their own difficulties and I just can't handle it. I try. I try so hard. But things sometimes get the better of me. I blame myself for their problems, thinking that my DNA must be fucking faulty, and that I made my kids have the problems they have. I couldn't wait to have kids. I wanted a family like crazy. And it turns out I couldnt even have babies correctly! How much more fucking shit do I need in my life to prove that I AM A FUCKING FAILURE?!

I don't want to be a failure.

blank slate

i hate that the most wonderful things could be happening around me and yet all I'll want to do is go to bed, crawl into a dark hole, and stay there. No energy to laugh, no energy to join in, no motivation to anything other than sit there staring blankly.

I'm jealous of other people; People without my problems, people who are happy, people who are creating, enjoying, celebrating, involved, on the move - living.

anxious

Today I kept my BigKiddo home from school because I felt way too stressed to actually get out of the house on time. It sounds so incredibly simplistic but here's what i was feeling...

1. I woke up feeling "normal" - nothing too out of the ordinary. But when I looked at the clock and realized my husband was almost out the door I just sort of froze up
2. I wanted to hide/disappear - I went to the bathroom and just sat there. I could feel more anxious at the minutes went by but it was kind of like I could stave it off. But eventually the clock hit the point where I had to leave in order to get BigKiddo to school... and then I felt some relief.
3. Still feeling anxious - I've been on the verge of a breakdown these past couple of days, maybe weeks. The thought of leaving my house gives me a lot of anxious feelings, along with the thought of going to the grocery store. I don't know what I'm avoiding really, besides being around people. I'm actually worried that as I get older and this continues to get worse that I could be a full blown agoraphobic. But it's not like I always hate getting out... I like driving around with no destination (just wandering), and sometimes the thing I want to do pushes me to "get over" the avoidance of people issue for just that period of time, although I still don't like it.

I don't really know what or why I'm avoiding. I'm avoiding my kids right now in fact. Yesterday I had to "escape" to smoke a cigarette because I was on the verge of rampaging... it's that point when the stress or anxiety becomes too much and your body wants to release all that energy in some way - like a dam that's been backing up and backing up until it finally breaks through. The noise, their noise, the outside noise... it all gets to me and makes me feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. Though I don't really know why this is happening so badly. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe it's time for meds.

I think I hate staying at home by myself. I love my kiddos, but being a stay-at-home mom was not meant for me. I think it's more frustrating that I don't even know where to start to address this... I hate being around people and I long to live somewhere secluded, yet I hate being ALONE. And when my husband is gone all day at work I get really depressed. I could be happy if it was just he and I all the time. Sound sick and co-dependent? Maybe.

And then why do I consider myself to be alone if my kids are with me?? Maybe I am just sickly obsessed with my husband...

My eldest is constantly getting into trouble at school. Shit he has so many challenges when it comes to school. And he's starting to get into a lot of fights. He's hitting other kids because they basically make him mad and say things that kids say like "I'm not your friend anymore" and etc. But he can't even explain to me properly what is happening and why he's hitting or getting mad at other kids. He can't even communicate simple things. But when he does we're blown away, so it confuses us.

I ask the teachers what's happening and why he's getting into fights, but they can't follow him around all the time and watch his every move. And even if they could it's not like they understand the nuances in behavior - I can understand better why Jones reacted a certain way if I can see it, but they might not be able to.

I'm at my wits end. I feel bad for my kid. And I just want it to not be difficult. Though I know things are going to be hard for him what's the point of continuing on when there's no change or improvement? That's where I'm at right now.

blah, pfft, argh, rahr

No, i suppose that doesn't make any sense. The truth is, I don't even know how to express or explain what I'm feeling/thinking. So let me start with basic physical descriptions that i can identify...

I'm fraking exhausted today that I can't even see clearly.
I physically feel very high strung, or agitated. I have no sense of patience today. And I'm crawling out of my skin in a I-want-to-punch-something kind of way.

I'm merely a SAHM and I've already yelled at my kids enough for the rest of the week... it's only 8:30 in the morning right now. And I really didn't want my husband to go to work this morning. I was just dreading it really hard.

This is one of those days where I'm fighting the constant thoughts and physical nerve twitching to get in my car and drive away. Just away. I've kind of done something similar but somehow I always manage to stay coherent and able to talk myself through some things... but I have to really be concentrating, and even then I don't listen to myself very well. Damn this all sounds like I'm a schizo but I'm really not. (I wonder if this is related to my ability to stay pretty coherent even when I'm trashed.)

I've been thinking a lot lately about some "friends" of mine that I'm not sure are really my friends. They're sort of virtual friends. Anyway, I don't really know where I stand with some of them and I'm wondering if my "reaching out" is really a good idea. I know too much about myself to think that it might not be. And I don't know if they're lurking just because they're curious, or because they really are trying to get to know me... sharing online is weird, isn't it? So except for a couple of those people, I'm thinking about committing "meta-cide" and erasing all trace of myself from online. Then I'd recreate myself where nobody would know who I am...It's like a do-over. Anyway... I don't know.

Maybe I should just take a break from the metaverse. Most likely I just need to come to terms with what being in the metaverse requires and includes - like expectations and learning to not get too attached to people who seem to be interested in you one minute and then not the next. It's just hard to get close and realize later on that it only hurt you. I've blogged in the past about random things and followed others' blogs about crafting and such, but this recent experience has been so different. I've met some really neat people, people I'd love to get to know and see/share/be a part of their life with them via online. But... like I say, some of the lurking people do is throwing me off, so I don't know what to think because I thought some of those people felt the same way I did - or do... oh well. For someone (me) who's very sensitive to feelings of low self-worth, who hates themselves off and on, who's always judging themselves, who's always thinking that the world would be better off them... I can't help but wonder what I did wrong. I guess I'll figure it out eventually.

exercise is medicine

I've been trying to workout more. Not just to lose weight and look better (although the way I look right now definitely makes me feel like crap), but also to feel better in general.

This morning I had a chance to go for a walk/run. Normally I exercise very sporadically, and usually at night since that's when it's the most convenient. I  never noticed much difference in my moods the next day. But today was different; I felt really energized mentally throughout the day. I ran errands and kept up with the kids in a way that I usually am not able... It really was like I'd taken an energy pill or something. I say energy but mean it to refer to my state of mind, not so much physical although I did feel some of that too. Of course I still had some struggles with the usual things but overall I definitely noticed, and my husband noticed, today I was different. 

I've only ever had 1 doctor get on my case about exercise during a depression. The other therapists and even the 1 psychiatrist never said anything - trying to stay in business I suppose. But it is so hard to motivate myself to do anything like that, especially when depressed or absorbed by mental crap. And I know exercise is medicine in so many ways - It's what I studied in college. Sometimes it is just so hard to do what we know we ought to do. Many people just don't understand what that means coming from a depressed person or someone who suffers with depression. I've had people tell me to just snap out of it ... as if. 

I am a little worried thinking that this might just be a fluke. But like I said, I'm pretty tired with the way I look right now so I've got that as another motivator to get off my arse. And I'm a little concerned that perhaps my internal clock will only respond positively to exercise when I do it in the morning, which will be a bit of a struggle considering I am so not a morning person. Ugh, I am SO not a morning person.

bipolar but not

I absolutely hate when I get upset/sad/angry in the space of an instant. I usually recognize it as a cycle where I get "high", or I'm on a high, and then I come down off it. Then when I come down off of it I get all depressed.

This can happen periodically throughout the space of a day, where I would be up and down and all over. These are the worst for me because when I'm "high" I'm actually trying to rein it in because I know full well I'm going to come down off it and it's not going to end well. Plus, it can be tiring.

I've been diagnosed with various kind of depression at various stages in my life - I'm not one for doctors or therapy. At one point I did have to seek help from a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me as bipolar. The thing is, I don't think I meet the full criteria. I've had the extreme incapacitated depressed lows that last for weeks or more, but not the "typical" high. Although in argument to that, I definitely feel like I've wanted to do some of the things she mentioned people in that state will do - like spend all your money, be promiscuous, etc. I've struggled so hard to NOT do those things that I guess it doesn't count. Anyway, I think she was diagnosing me based on a family history. So, I got on meds and I suppose they helped - well crap, how much damage can you do when you're zoned out and exhausted all the time? So I got off the meds (which were that newer form of atypical antipsychotic medication... Geodon). I hated them anyway. I couldn't function and at the time I had my almost newborn to take care of, and a toddler in the process of being diagnosed with autism, and my oldest child who has his own struggles. Plus, I didn't want to have sex... and I'm sorry, that just sucked.

In response to the bipolar high: I am always tired. I remember being in high school and thinking it was a fucking amazing day if I wasn't yawning all the time. The source of all that tiredness is something I can't pinpoint, though I've never really tried.  Like, I don't spend DAYS awake taking on a shit-ton of projects or anything, but I'm an insomniac. I've also had mental fights with myself over taking the kids and just driving away - just leaving, moving to another state, or exploring - especially when my husband and I are having trouble. My mind seems like it gets fucked and there's no more logic at that point.

I have pretty sharp highs and lows I would say. When I am high I get hyper - like jumping off the walls, tackling my husband, loud, screaming with glee with the kids hyper. But I've read that aggression can be a form of this hyperactivity and I do get... sad to say... pretty aggressive. There are times when I remind myself of my father who was a drunken tyrant.

The lows during this cycle are usually the I-want-to-cry-and-sleep kind. I lose all energy and get all the other things typical of being depressed. And like I said, sometimes this happens throughout a whole day.

I hate it! And when I'm hyper/high because I know the low is coming, it's just a matter of when. Fortunately this cycle hasn't happened in a while for some reason. I think maybe because I'm too busy being regulardepressed, as opposed to semi-bipolar depressed. Wow, my explanation sounds lame. "I'm only diet-coke depressed, not regular-coke depressed." *shakes head*

do you ever feel ugly?

Do you ever feel ugly? And then cycle back not having the energy to lose that extra bit of weight, or take a shower, or do the laundry, or brush your teeth? On and on it goes. I hate that.

I can't take it today. I can't take it. I can't take it.

I'm the most fucked up mother. I hate that I can't do it right!!

disconnecting

When I'm in a "mood" or "phase" - gosh I don't even think these are the right words to describe what I'm talking about because I feel like this pretty much all the time, just sometimes worse than others - I want to disconnect from people. I want to hide in my hole, not talk to anybody, and erase any trace of myself from the meta. I've nearly deleted several blogs and a Flickr account because I just wanted to disappear (my husband stopped me). I've even seriously contemplated moving to the ends of the earth just to be far away - and it's not like I'm not far from the RL people in my life.

Lately I've been feeling this way. I try to connect, but then I realize how unimportant and uninteresting I am and that maybe I don't fit. I've never been very outgoing or extroverted when I first meet people. But once we can call each other friends I become VERY outgoing, and silly, and happy.

I've also taken up a new hobby of photography. Of course I'm not great at it, but I'm learning. But I'm also very hard on myself. So my expectations are high and so I'm currently feeling like I, well, SUCK. My sweet husband would totally disagree, but that's just the nature of having a low self-image and feelings of self- worth.

Shit, this all sounds so pathetic.

Last night I just wanted to be taken (sexually) by my husband because I was feeling low. I don't know how that happens - I'll be depressed, yet want us to fuck like rabbits. Sometimes I feel so emotionally spent afterward that I'm trying hard to hold back tears. Sometimes I just totally break down.

I LOVE my husband, and I think that realization of how I feel about him hits me square in the face after we make love, especially when I orgasm. I don't know. I don't really understand it fully. Maybe sex is a good release for me, although I don't always want it when I'm depressed. I'm sure I'm not the only person who gets this way - feels low and just needs that intimate connection to fill whatever feels empty on the inside. I don't think it's a bad thing, especially when it's within a stable, loving, and understanding relationship.--- WTF, am I giving advice?? I don't know anything. But it's just my observation.

um, Welcome to my blog?

I have never actually documented my depression before. I've kept journals off and on throughout my teen and adult years but only when "stuff" was going on, but I would usually end up throwing them away because the memories they brought back were too horrible. They would also act like a trigger;  whenever I would think back or re-read those journals it would send me to a pretty dark place.

I've been blogging as a way to deal with some hard things going on in my life for a while now, as well as I've been blogging about some really wonderful things in my life. But I try to keep it all separate. Not because I want to be fake or phony, but some RL people read the blogs and I don't want to sully a positive experience of those positive sites. I also tried being everything on one blog and it - well, it doesn't work. So I figure it's best to keep things as separate as possible. I don't know. Maybe I'll figure something else out along the way.

So anyway this is my own private (with exception of you, dear reader) and hopefully more consistent "therapy". Today I just felt the need to write out some of my thoughts, as I'm having a pretty hard time.  I'm most likely going to end up divulging a lot of personal and embarrassing stuff here. So don't think of me too badly or strangely...

But today is one of those days where I don't want to be involved with anyone or anything... and then again, I do.

I am so depressed today. I am really missing my husband and he's just at work. And all I want to do is vomit and stay inside my room. That's literal; I really just want to throw up because I feel incredibly gross.

I'm not sure what to do at this moment. I might take the kids to our favorite park. There would be shade and at least  its not blazing hot. I just feel like crap -  physically and mentally. Then part of me wants to zone out and not be connected to anybody or anything. 

I'm fighting back tears at this moment and I have no reason for it. I feel like I'm staving off a mild panic attack as my chest starts to have that butterfly-feeling. Even the sound of the loud cars on our street will add to my anxiety and aggressiveness. I hate it here in my messy house. I want to burn all our shit right now... and then again, I just don't have the energy.

We tried to take an excursion today. Went to the dam to just walk and enjoy the nice weather. It was stressful has hell. I really think Jonas needs medication. I'm so sick of his attitudes and meltdowns. How much is related to the autism and how much is related to the ADHD, I have no idea but I don't even give a shit right now. The stress on jim and I is becoming unbearable, to the point of mental and emotional exhaustion. I just want to scream my head off right now.

the meta and people who don't understand

I was just thinking about how hard it is to articulate what I'm feeling without sounding like I'm bitching and complaining about my children or my life. I already knew when I started this blog how it would "sound" and seemingly come across, and I go through a whole circle of thought about it...

I don't really socialize with other autism moms, and in my personal realm of friends I know 2 other people who have kids on the spectrum - but unfortunately I don't ever talk to them. Not because I don't want to, but because I just don't. I've never really been the reach-out-and-touch-someone type. Sad because one of those 2 people was my best friend in high school. Today, though, I did send out emails to them asking for advise.

The house is quiet right now. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I'm also a bit depressed. So I got up to make some tea and hopefully relax when I started to think that maybe there really is no one else to talk to about my feelings. Like blogging may really be the only way I can express and "vent" and process. Then again  maybe not, because people who have read other blogs of mine have interpreted my words to be cruel and of a childish nature coming from a disturbed individual. And to that person I want to say Fuck Yourself, because you have no clue what it's like to have kids with autism or any other special need.

I seem to return to this person's bullshit statements because I do worry about what people think when I write this shit. But I always come back around to the thought that people who don't know aren't going to get it. They're not going to get that I'm providing my own therapy, that I'm doing this so that I can get through the hard times. They're not going to understand that I get so incredibly frustrated because I LOVE my kids, and don't want them to struggle with these problems. And if I didn't love them I wouldn't give a shit about their hardships - I wouldn't struggle against them, but rather let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. I wouldn't give thought to them getting hurt or trying to teach them. So fuck you, Eric. Because your small brain can't understand, and it never will.

I never thought my family life would end up like this. I never thought I would end up feeling like the shittiest mother on the planet - as though it's all my fault my kids have this problem. Yet I want to do so much for them. Again I made the mistake of vocalizing this in a very specific way and get called names and told I'm "running away" from my problem. But again, that bastard has no idea and can't comprehend what my intensions are.

So I made my tea tonight and all these thoughts came flooding into my head. In a way I would like the people closest to me to be able to read this. If they really cared about what my life is like, or at least how I'm doing emotionally --- it's like when you get asked, "How are you?" "How are things?" Do people really want to know? I hate thinking that they don't, but the reality is they probably don't really care too deeply about how you are. Mostly, I just don't think they'll understand.

the visit

The kids and I drove about 12 hours to visit with some family. While there were things that happened on the trip that made it not very enjoyable at times, and very trying - obviously I'm referring to the autism related things here - there were still plenty of positive experiences. Several things really stood out as being "whoa" moments... of surprise, confusion, frustration.

My full Autie is starting to get pretty violent. But what amazes me is how he can go from sweet, to enraged child in no time at all - literally no time. I would just watch him when he was being "good" and think when is the next wave coming, or my sweet little boy is going to go feral and try to claw my eyes out. I think it was the first time I'd truly realized just how extreme the change can be. My next task is how to tackle this problem, learning techniques and all the rest.

Another thing that really stood out to me was just how aggressive he was getting. I am very much concerned for our family's future. If this can't be handled, if he continues to grow-up and continues to be violent... there will be no way for us to handle it. I've heard of such sad stories where a family had to send their autistic child to live in group homes specially for them. It's hard! I hope that never happens for us.

And it's becoming more apparent that my older one with PDD is acting more and more with what I think are Aspergers traits. I went to elementary school with a boy who had Aspergers. He reminds me so much of him. I suppose it's still hard to tell, but I got to chat with a relative who is very much involved with autism in the schools - specifically preschool and very young primary grades. Again, just something else that needs to be addressed.

I'm wondering if this is what it's going to be like... the taking notice of things here and there, and then dealing with it accordingly. The only problem is sometimes it's not always clear where to go for help, that you need help, or if there is even help for whatever the problem is. I guess I'll just keep trying to reach out, read blogs, all the rest of it.

[edit] After more learning I  realized that pdd and aspergers do basically overlap with the exception of the speech delay. I don't think Im wrong in this but what makes it so hard to pin point a "label" is that each kid is different, sometimes wildly so, and can be given the same diagnosis.

i just dont know

Sometimes I just don't know how much to attribute the things my kids do or don't do to the ASD. I still have those moments where I'm just staring off into the past, thinking about something my eldest (usually) has done and going WTF? Why does/did he do that? And we talk about it. I explain. I yell. I scold. I talk. And to what end? I tell him the same shit every day, sometimes (usually) several times a day.

Today he was throwing rocks over our fence and it hit the neighbor's car. I hear a man screaming the my kid is throwing rocks, and I should be watching my kids, that his windshield got cracked (which turned out to not be the case)...  Immediately I was like, "Oh shit." But I knew he wasn't lying to me. I knew what this guy was saying was truth. Yeah, my kid probably did throw rocks, something he knows he's not supposed to do for a million reasons. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't let him out in our backyard by himself anymore because he obviously can't be trusted. Never mind that I was attending to my toddler in the house, but whatever.

It was all just a bit overwhelming for me after hearing earlier that my mother, whom I am not personally close to at all, let my eldest, who is only 6 and doesn't know how to swim, venture out into the ocean water while she stayed on the beach somewhere, and he was dragged under and had to be rescued by some good Samaritans who were nearby. 

She's so fucking...
I'm not even going to complete my sentence because I just truly have no words.

You know what all this makes me want to do? Fucking just get away from people. Family included, since many of them just want to be part timers, whine that they never see the kids and then disappear for ages. Or there are some like my mother who want to show up and do fun little things without realizing you have to actually be responsible and interactive! I fucking don't want to deal with them, their drama, their fucking invasion into our life. I feel like things are hard enough without having to worry about how we interface with everybody else. And I seriously just want to live on a farm or something, out in the middle of no and where, just us.

And as for my mother again ( I just have to get this off my chest )... you know, I always have worry and "thoughts" when my eldest is with her because I instinctually don't trust her. She takes on more than she can handle, she's irresponsible in my opinion, she doesn't think things through, thinks she's always right, never listens to or takes others' advice (including us when we tell her things about the kids) I just don't trust her to take good care of my kids. Well, she certainly didn't let me down in that regard, did she.

Even my husband was worrying that our eldest would just walk off with some stranger, something kids on the spectrum are prone to do because they trust everybody and their brother, and my mom would just be like in the fucking clouds not paying attention until it was too late. I've written about this fear we have for our kids elsewhere, too. It's very real.

I'm not cut out for this. I'm failing my babies - my babies that I love so much, but who frustrate me and everything else to no end. Maybe I'm the one in over my head.

And I hate myself for getting angry, mad, upset, resentful, etc. I hate myself for yelling. I hate it. I hate myself.

I realize I should be going the opposite way and thinking how I can help them, what more can I do, and that I am of little consequence in all this... but I feel like giving up.

No, I feel clueless.

But I don't think I'm well: mentally, emotionally, and physically. I feel like I can barely take care of myself most days. And I'm not an old person. Yet I feel so old and tired!

I've also put on some weight from being pregnant twice so close together, and never really took it off. But I'm not obese or anything, it's just that Everything is weighing me and my husband down. Everything.

And the things I've tried haven't seemed to help. Am I doing it wrong? What am I missing?  Maybe my tries have been half-ass...

And our full Autie has really been exhausting us. He's been unmanageable lately. And other times he's fucking amazing!

So, I just don't know about anything.

in hiding

Something happened today. Actually, I don't think I ever fully recovered from yesterday. A stronger person probably wouldn't understand this... but I am not strong.

I took all three kids to swim yesterday at our favorite creek. It's very public and a lot of families hang out in the summertime. I wasn't planning on staying long, and said so to the kids (although only the oldest would be able to understand), plus my full Autie was started to wander away and not do anything I asked him to... he doesn't understand. So finally it was time to leave and my full Autie went nuclear meltdown. If you've never seen one, it looks like something out of a movie, or tv show, and that would normally take place in an insane asylum where the orderlies are wrestling a patient so they can tranquilize him... I don't make this up, this is seriously what my kid's meltdowns look like - only there's no tranquilizer.

People stared. I'm sure they were wondering what the fuck was wrong with my kid, then maybe me... who knows what they were thinking. Even in the car as I was wrestling with him to put him in the car seat, people were passing by and stopping. Like, WHAT THE FUCK do you want!? Maybe they thought I was beating him, I don't know. But it still pisses me off.

I think the whole ordeal lasted about 40 min. I was just emotionally exhausted. I called Husband to tell him we were heading home and just started crying.

I think what gets me so worked up is the thought that my kids are not "normal", to the point where they could easily be taken advantage of or injured; my full Autie will just run away because he thinks it's funny, not realizing someone could scoop him up and run off with him, or worse, he could obliviously run into traffic. And it's not like we don't tell and him and explain to him... he just doesn't have the language to understand, I guess.

Today:
I think all of that just carried over. At this very moment I am locked in my room, while the other kids are watching TV/napping/playing. For a while my Autie was slamming his body against the door, trying to break it down.

I couldn't take it anymore... the way he fights with me, the inability we both have to understand each other and the tantrums because of it, the lashing out physically... it makes me want to fucking scream at him that I'm not his enemy... but instead I get pissed, I get tired, I get at my wits end, I give up... and I yell and push him away from me, quite literally. Now I'm writing it out. I hope it helps.

no change

These last few days have been really trying. I find myself constantly going back and forth between thoughts of My Kid Should Know Better, to My Kid Is Special... and I don't mean special in that exceptional and unordinary kind of way; I'm talking special needs, the kind of special that requires specific handling. It's a little hard to explain. Like when people say that autistic kids just need more discipline, or time outs should still work, or spanking is still appropriate for children who are autistic... well they never met my kids.

Sure, I give my 2-year-old a swat now and then if he's doing something dangerous, like climbing the furniture and threatening to fall out the window. Or if he's wrestling with the 1-yr-old in a way that makes me fear a broken neck would result from it... It's the same fights, the same reprimands, the same, scoldings... the same, the same, the same.

My 5-year-old is no better. Everyday it's the same issues. Scoldings or swats come, but they make no real, lasting difference. I wonder if anything will. But the scoldings don't even help with whatever is happening in the present. I just get these looks where I see not so much defiance, but a compulsion to do whatever it was, again.

Sometimes there is straight up defiance, like when my 2-year-old stares right at me and says the words, "Don't touch," and grabs like the knives or whatever out of the kitchen drawers.

(Oh, didn't I tell you? I had to put baby locks on all the kitchen drawers and cabinets (like so many other ordinary parents), only to have them destroyed from repeated thrashing in an effort to break through. Now that's determination, I tell you! Never let anyone say that my kids are undetermined...)

I don't know. I'm just so tired of the same things. Things that never change. How do I change it? Is this normal?...

Originally uploaded by skaneatelessuites

shut up already

So obviously the topic about special foods has come up in conversation with other mom's who's kids are on the spectrum. But for fuck's sake, is it really necessary to freak out when the playgroup wants to play with playdough??

Oh, but he'll put his fingers in his mouth and it has wheat in it.

Are you fucking joking?

This woman had the whole playcrew  nervous about giving the poor kids things like raisins because there might be traces of flour on them. I had to endure a whole hour of a gluten/casein convo. One dad was there on his Blackberry, texting away trying to pay no mind to the loud crazy ladies. Like, that's cool you're trying stuff out, but you totally lost me when the poor kid couldn't play with the 'dough.

I understand the sense of urgency that people have. I understand the need to do something that they feel helps. I mean, we as a society should be eating more healthful, whole, and raw everyday. But for some reason, I just get so sick of hearing the same fucking arguments about why their kid has autism. Maybe because they're listening to world renown experts like Jenny Mcarthy (sarcasm!). Hey, anyone try to log into PubMed and do their own research?? Of course not, so the myths and confusion get perpetuated.

And let's not forget about the government conspiracies. What the hell did the government do now?? Not that I trust the gvt, but I just get sick of hearing the broken record.

Go eat a carrot, for craps sake! Stay away from all the "special" food that's still processed. And as for all your little pills - not everything that comes in a pill form gets absorbed by the cells, you know; it's called Biochemistry. Not to be mean here, but learning science when trying to discover human physiological and biochemical responses can only help you. Merely regurgitating what someone said doesn't mean you understand how the "whole package" works, and are therefore qualified to expand that "knowledge" out into other areas.

PubMed Central (a bit simpler to search)

PubMed Home (specific locations)

serenity now...

positive

This blog is mostly for when I absolutely need to emotionally dump a lot of things regarding the autism as it affects the family. Having said that, I also am worried that people might get the wrong impression - that everything about having children with ASD is terrible, or that I don't love them. That's not the case. I very much love my kiddos. It's just hard sometimes to deal with their difficulties, because things neurotypicals take for granted will affect autistic kids so badly. Some autistic children are overwhelmed by just going grocery shopping - the lights, the noise, it all affects them harshly. And that's not even the half of it.

Yesterday was actually a really good day for the kids. I don't know why we didn't have as many troubles as we usually do - but I'll take it. I just wanted to write down something positive so that the next time I come here to vent, I can look at this and remind myself that life isn't always so challenging....

tired of yelling

One of the things that my older boy has a problem with is detecting when my husband and I are angry at him for something he's done. By the time we yell at him, he does know (kind of), but I don't think he understand what us being mad at him means. I can yell at him, scold him harsh, whatever, and two seconds later he's singing to himself, not a care in the world - it's like talking to a brick wall, only he doesn't understand, I think. We don't even really know what the deal is.

He's also very oppositional, but not violent. I've thought about the whole Oppositional/Defiant disorder (yes, there's an actual "disorder" that is often times paired with ADHD) but I'm not sure he qualifies, even if he displays a lot of the "symptoms". Besides, aren't kids usually like this? That's what I thought. But talking with friends I think it's safe to say that there are kids out there who do not behave that way. And he's not necessarily "violent" - at least not on purpose. But he does lash out and flail about like a toddler throwing a tantrum, so...

If we need to explain something to him, and it's not what he's expecting or he doesn't like the way the conversation is going, then he will insist on breaking in to express his disapproval. We don't let him get away with this so we tell him to "Stop Talking" every time he breaks in with a "But..." This cycle of "Stop Talking", "But", can go on for several repeats, one right after the other and usually resulting in either my husband or me losing it and yelling our brains out for him to just "Shut Up". Even then he doesn't stop. I DON'T FUCKING GET IT! Why does it have to come to me screaming in order for him to actually STOP doing whatever it is we're telling him to stop doing?

I was talking to my husband about this earlier. I said that whenever we scold our 1-year-old he responds with a sad pouty face that's struggling to hold back tears. If it's serious enough then he'll cry, cover his face, and even become embarrassed to look at us. Not my 6-year-old... he just doesn't get it. (I'm trying to remember if he ever did this and I want to say no, but I'm not totally sure.) We all just don't get it. And we don't know what to do about it. Like I said before, talking and explaining doesn't do anything. So I hope it just gets better with age. Unfortunately, it seems that his situation has only gotten worse with age.

the second post

I'm still on my emotional low from yesterday. Yesterday... effing frustrating. No, more than frustrating. It caused both my husband and I to feel like the worst people in the world, like the worst parents who ever walked the earth, like total failures. Everything we did was wrong. And every effect we were looking for was also wrong. I could have really appreciated a wise mom's insight yesterday. I'll talk more about what happened later...

I go through these phases where I get onto a bunch of autism/ADHD/child behavior/parenting forums to see what other parents are dealing with. I scour, search, read others' stories and dilemmas, read all the well intentioned advice... I overwhelm myself trying to search for the ones that relate to my own problems. I often read a story and think to my self I'll have to remember about that if it ever comes up. But here are all of us, parents or guardians, trying to find the answers to how to be a parent to a kid who needs special attention. It gets blinding at times that I don't even know if the things my kids do are normal for a "normal" kid. Both my oldests are ASD and they're even different from each other, so I never know what's typical, normal, to be expected. My youngest is barely a toddler and so far displays no ASD behavior; I'm relieved. He's been a blessing to us and is like our refuge, if that makes sense.

I can't even tell you all the feelings and thoughts that go through my head when things get "bad". I mean, this is my outlet so I will tell you, but I'm just glad that I'm not alone in my thinking because it's pretty shitty to even say out loud. But like I said, unless you know what life is like with kids on the spectrum, then you don't know anything. But there are times when I've often said to myself that having kids with my husband resulted in a genetic failure. Well, he's thought the same thing - like maybe we were a bad match, like maybe by being selfish and having kids we only made life hard for them (and us). Don't get me wrong, we have plenty of UPS and times where we are absolutely proud of our little ones, but this blog is my outlet, my emotional dumping grounds when it comes to life when you're raising kids who are ASD. It's the ugly side/truth about life with ASD. People don't get the hardships involved, don't understand. I can't tell you how many of my family members still don't understand what we go through and have to deal with, or rather what the kids go through and have to deal with. Again, I'll talk more about that later....

So what happened yesterday? We've been dealing with the usual things that elementary school age kids put parents through: strong will, "not listening", defiance, talking back. But our oldest  has this issue of NOT doing anything we tell him without us SCREAMING at him. We seriously have to repeat our instruction a bunch of times before we finally yell, at which point he kind of gets the point. He was diagnosed PDD-NOS, which is a mild autism. One of his issues (I believe) is definitely he inability to realize when we're angry. And yet he knows when I'm yelling at him that I'm angry. But I don't understand WHY the fuck I have to yell in order for him to finally take me seriously. He also has these anxiety problems with the toilet that are stressing our family out. Ah, there's a lot to cover and I don't have the energy to do it all this in this post.

... to be continued again...

the first post

well, I've started another blog. But this one is desperate. I have lots to vent about. It may seem cruel. It may seem like a pity party. Maybe I will meet other moms like me, or parents who can offer their insight. We'll see.

I'll just say it right now:
Autism sucks! I don't give a fuck who you are or what you think you know about autism, but unless you have a child with it, or have taken care of a child full-time who has it, then you don't know what the hell you're talking about when you refer to it.

Whew, that's out of the way.

Yes, I have a child who's autistic and another one who is also on the spectrum, though not diagnosed as "capital A", as I've heard it called. There are good days, there are bad days, there are days when I just want to run away and never come back. There are days when my wonderful husband wants to run away and never come back. But we're dealing with it. We're learning as we go, and failing over and over. We're pleasantly surprised on some days, and kicked in the ass by everything the next. It's a fucking roller coaster that we're just tired of...exhausted. How we're going to get through the next several years is a question I often ask myself, but I can't even imagine how I'm going to get through the next fucking week, let alone the long term future.

Oh yeah, I should probably warn you that I swear a lot when I'm upset and highly emotional. Since this blog/journal is about very emotional stuff, I expect it will be filled with expletives. Although I will try to tone it down because I know it can be very distracting and aggressive to some, I make no promises; I need this outlet.

...to be continued...