the meta and people who don't understand

I was just thinking about how hard it is to articulate what I'm feeling without sounding like I'm bitching and complaining about my children or my life. I already knew when I started this blog how it would "sound" and seemingly come across, and I go through a whole circle of thought about it...

I don't really socialize with other autism moms, and in my personal realm of friends I know 2 other people who have kids on the spectrum - but unfortunately I don't ever talk to them. Not because I don't want to, but because I just don't. I've never really been the reach-out-and-touch-someone type. Sad because one of those 2 people was my best friend in high school. Today, though, I did send out emails to them asking for advise.

The house is quiet right now. It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I'm also a bit depressed. So I got up to make some tea and hopefully relax when I started to think that maybe there really is no one else to talk to about my feelings. Like blogging may really be the only way I can express and "vent" and process. Then again  maybe not, because people who have read other blogs of mine have interpreted my words to be cruel and of a childish nature coming from a disturbed individual. And to that person I want to say Fuck Yourself, because you have no clue what it's like to have kids with autism or any other special need.

I seem to return to this person's bullshit statements because I do worry about what people think when I write this shit. But I always come back around to the thought that people who don't know aren't going to get it. They're not going to get that I'm providing my own therapy, that I'm doing this so that I can get through the hard times. They're not going to understand that I get so incredibly frustrated because I LOVE my kids, and don't want them to struggle with these problems. And if I didn't love them I wouldn't give a shit about their hardships - I wouldn't struggle against them, but rather let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. I wouldn't give thought to them getting hurt or trying to teach them. So fuck you, Eric. Because your small brain can't understand, and it never will.

I never thought my family life would end up like this. I never thought I would end up feeling like the shittiest mother on the planet - as though it's all my fault my kids have this problem. Yet I want to do so much for them. Again I made the mistake of vocalizing this in a very specific way and get called names and told I'm "running away" from my problem. But again, that bastard has no idea and can't comprehend what my intensions are.

So I made my tea tonight and all these thoughts came flooding into my head. In a way I would like the people closest to me to be able to read this. If they really cared about what my life is like, or at least how I'm doing emotionally --- it's like when you get asked, "How are you?" "How are things?" Do people really want to know? I hate thinking that they don't, but the reality is they probably don't really care too deeply about how you are. Mostly, I just don't think they'll understand.