bipolar but not

I absolutely hate when I get upset/sad/angry in the space of an instant. I usually recognize it as a cycle where I get "high", or I'm on a high, and then I come down off it. Then when I come down off of it I get all depressed.

This can happen periodically throughout the space of a day, where I would be up and down and all over. These are the worst for me because when I'm "high" I'm actually trying to rein it in because I know full well I'm going to come down off it and it's not going to end well. Plus, it can be tiring.

I've been diagnosed with various kind of depression at various stages in my life - I'm not one for doctors or therapy. At one point I did have to seek help from a psychiatrist and she diagnosed me as bipolar. The thing is, I don't think I meet the full criteria. I've had the extreme incapacitated depressed lows that last for weeks or more, but not the "typical" high. Although in argument to that, I definitely feel like I've wanted to do some of the things she mentioned people in that state will do - like spend all your money, be promiscuous, etc. I've struggled so hard to NOT do those things that I guess it doesn't count. Anyway, I think she was diagnosing me based on a family history. So, I got on meds and I suppose they helped - well crap, how much damage can you do when you're zoned out and exhausted all the time? So I got off the meds (which were that newer form of atypical antipsychotic medication... Geodon). I hated them anyway. I couldn't function and at the time I had my almost newborn to take care of, and a toddler in the process of being diagnosed with autism, and my oldest child who has his own struggles. Plus, I didn't want to have sex... and I'm sorry, that just sucked.

In response to the bipolar high: I am always tired. I remember being in high school and thinking it was a fucking amazing day if I wasn't yawning all the time. The source of all that tiredness is something I can't pinpoint, though I've never really tried.  Like, I don't spend DAYS awake taking on a shit-ton of projects or anything, but I'm an insomniac. I've also had mental fights with myself over taking the kids and just driving away - just leaving, moving to another state, or exploring - especially when my husband and I are having trouble. My mind seems like it gets fucked and there's no more logic at that point.

I have pretty sharp highs and lows I would say. When I am high I get hyper - like jumping off the walls, tackling my husband, loud, screaming with glee with the kids hyper. But I've read that aggression can be a form of this hyperactivity and I do get... sad to say... pretty aggressive. There are times when I remind myself of my father who was a drunken tyrant.

The lows during this cycle are usually the I-want-to-cry-and-sleep kind. I lose all energy and get all the other things typical of being depressed. And like I said, sometimes this happens throughout a whole day.

I hate it! And when I'm hyper/high because I know the low is coming, it's just a matter of when. Fortunately this cycle hasn't happened in a while for some reason. I think maybe because I'm too busy being regulardepressed, as opposed to semi-bipolar depressed. Wow, my explanation sounds lame. "I'm only diet-coke depressed, not regular-coke depressed." *shakes head*