#short, sweet

I am super annoyed right now.

Its 1am. Im hyped up on allergy meds but my eyes and sleepy. Plans just changed on me/us, and then we're just expected to accommodate. NOT COOL.

*whispers* Its not the situation which is upsetting me, its the way I think about it....
hmmm.

***

I've been having a little bits of - I dont know what you would call them - breakthroughs? (Wow, that sounds lame.)  I think I know how to handle this current situation, and subsequent annoyances,  but I need to shift my thinking just a bit. I have therapy tomorrow so I may or may not be addressing this with Psych. These sessions are so intense and overwhelming that I often just collapse the rest of the day or weekend, so I don't actually know how -- oh shit i can't remember of the word.  I guess my brain really is fried right now. Reminds me of when i was preggers and I'd forget ... everything. The best time was when I forgot the word 'door'. As in, "Please hang your jacket over by the... the thing... over there... THAT." *Points to the front door.* It's the joke that never quits in our house even after 8,9,10 years or whatever. I still frequently forget simple everyday words.

ok, the end.

#throwing things away

(taken from another of my blogs:) 

update:

Every now and then my ex boyfriend from hella-ages-ago pops up on my radar, reading my Twitter & blogs. Or perhaps it is his girlfriend doing it rather than him, since I know she has also read my things in the past. Either way it's... Im not sure. Creepy? Weird? Unnerving? I often wonder if [whoever-it-is] has a genuine interest that comes from a good place in their heart, or if they're just interested in seeing if I've failed at life yet. Im going to try really hard not to pick up my blog and go home, and stick it out for a while since writing has always been a therapy for me. Perhaps one day I'll merge this space with my other blog, but for now a separate space for a somewhat separate focus is good for me. As far as blogging goes, an insincere lurking does kind of get to me. Well, my therapist would say that I'm making irrational assumptions! nnnggg.

***

Im in the process of throwing things away. I might have to wait until the evening before trash day so I won't have lingering thoughts of WHAT i've tossed. That's part of why I didn't want to even take pictures of the things Im getting rid of. Why even hold onto it virtually?
~old photos of people no longer in my life.
~track and field stuff from ages and ages ago.
~birthday cards.
~random things I collected and really liked at the time, but serve no use or purpose now.
Its scary how much emotional baggage is bundled up in stuff that we accumulate and hold onto for years and years. That's how it is for me, anyway.

I couldn't even say what the next step in this process is. So far, it's like forcing myself to admit that some dreams are just dead...or that some dreams aren't even ones I have anymore... or even that the person who who wanted those dreams (me) is dead, or gone, or forgotten.  Sometimes its like reliving things I don't want to relive, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Its more like a trigger at times. Its hard to put into words. Going through some of these things is a bit of a relief, but at the same time very uncomfortable. It would be better to just not pay attention or go through any of it, but just chuck it ALL, whatever it may be. Things own us, not the other way around.

Mostly, I just feel bad putting more crap into the landfill.

***

\/ \/ Im learning what this means. Its beautiful and I want it so badly... but Im not sure how to do it yet. God help me see. Perhaps my cleansing and clearing is part of that. \/ \/

 …we are men who have no patience and no desire for a little labor and [no desire] to brace ourselves to accept anything with humility. Therefore we are crushed [by our difficulties]. The more we run away from temptations, the more they weigh us down and the less we are able to drive them away. Suppose a man for some reason dives into the sea: if he knows the art of swimming what does he do when a great wave comes along? He ducks under until it goes past and then he goes on swimming unharmed. But if he is determined to set himself against it, it pushes him away and hurls him back a great distance, and when again he begins to swim forward another wave comes upon him, and if he again tries to swim against it, again it forces him back, and he only tires himself out and makes no headway. But if he ducks his head and lowers himself under the wave, as I said, no harm comes to him and he continues to swim as long as he likes. Those who go on doing their work this way when they are in trouble, putting up with their temptations with patience and humility, come through unharmed. But if they get distressed and downcast, seeking the reasons for everything, tormenting themselves and being annoyed with themselves instead of helping themselves, they do themselves harm. If painful experiences crowd in upon us, we ought not to be disturbed; allowing ourselves to be disturbed by these experiences is sheer ignorance and pride because we are not recognizing our own condition and, as the Fathers tell us, we are running away from labor…we want to acquire virtue without effort. --St. Dorotheos of Gaza

journal: for cbt: updated throughout the day for my own recording.

Today I feel grumpy, have no desire to talk, or be around anyone. This house sucks the life out of me....
(note: add a verse that can aid)

Feeling angry that husband is gone at work
^I never get to see him
   ^He's going to be gone all day
      ^He might even be stressed out.
        ^I hate being here at home and without him.

     

          *I will spend time with him tonight

              ^yes but its always at night, when he's exhausted, and we hide from the kids.

          *I can still talk to him on voxer.

          *He might not be stressed out.

          *Maybe we can get out of the house too

               ^all the bs that entails: everyone dressed, get myself dressed when i dont want to be, i dont want to be around people, I don't want to deal with the kids and their drama because I  can't even deal with mine.

                                *Ok, but maybe you can do a coffee kiosk with the kids and then come home

I have to go to the shops.

^chaos

   ^loud

      ^always feels like herding the kids

         ^miserable concrete driving, busy cars, disgusting lights

*Lets start now so that when we're ready to go it won't be a stressful timetable

*bring your headphones

*remember to warn kids beforehand

*try to focus on the sky, go the scenic way to see less "city"

*only get a few things at store, in adn out

1145

*Today is a day I feel like Im going to bust. Like I can't control what's inside. So I just sit here and hope I can calm myself. Like I can't handle what's inside. Like I want to bang my head into the wall. I might have some wine right now, then head for a shower.*

I feel so lost and I dont know who I am.
^I have no time for my own interests
   ^I suck whenever i try to "do" my own interests
      ^Im so distracted that I can't even think
         ^I have a ton of things I need to get done so I can clear that "distraction"
             >omg i have a TON of things I need to get done and I dont think I can do it.

*You are busy, but taking care of kids is more important

^I don't even take care of them properly

*just love and support them (??)

*You 'suck' only because you dont have time to practice/learn more, but that can change

*patience

*Little steps to changing the way things are. Little steps each day. 

*toss things away every day

*I thought I'd be dead by now. Im in uncharted territory. I could not have imagined what my life would be like around this time (40). I always just didn't think about it because I couldn't imagine anything. Like I knew I'd be dead, and there's was just no way to see anything beyond 20s or 30s. I don't know what i mean exactly, but something like that. Nobody knows what their life is going to be like, that's the nature of the Future. But I couldn't even tell what I dreamed about for myself. So i keep going back to childhood dreams. Which i know isn't rational,...or even what I am anymore.... I don't think...I don't even know.)

Andrew is running up and down the hall and then yelling at Owen
^How the hell am I supposed to not be "stressed out" by this noise?
   ^There is no way other than drugs to not be overwhelmed by this shit.
      ^These kids make me want to get drunk and leave reality. This is why I drink.
    ^Every word or thought coming into my head is the the Fbomb.
   ^I scream at him to shut-up and stop thumping and yelling.
     ^OMG everything Im hearing from him eating his fucking toast is pissing me off

        *Be still.
*Lord have mercy

*The fact that noises and that really unnerve me, to the point that I don't even realize I've lost any control until I start screaming, pisses me off in itself.*

*Went to RiteAid to fill prescription. Took forever, my blood sugar was low, I was exhausted, and ended up leaving with no more patience. Driving home I start thinking how Jim and I weren't meant to be together, we weren't a match for each other (No one is a match, we work hard no matter who we're married to), Im annoyed that people want things from me and I cant clear my head to do it either properly or at all, so the stress of that lingering over me pisses me off, leading me to then be pissed off at that person, and any and all people who would ever ask me for anything. I imagine that they wouldnt understand what my problem is, or downplay it, think me spoiled or something, and then I continue to get angry, wanting to "run away", avoid, find a way to move (Im not kidding), or just otherwise not have to deal with people anymore.

*Came home from dinner, entire evening was off/on managing of bickering, loudness, regulating, etc. On the way home things escalated, kids bickering, and I lose it, start screaming at everyone. Then I turn back around, try to catch my breath, try to concentrate on calming down. We are passing a truck and Im thinking: I can just open my door and fall out. My hand reaching for the latch, nobody notices. Im thinking about my seat belt, can I do it all at the same time. What would happen??? Oh god I'd die. Im am so overwhelmed with "bad" feelings. Everything at once is the only way to describe it. Desperation for it to end. But no end in sight. Then I think about the kids. I think: Jim would hate me if I did this. The thought keeps coming for a few minutes, and then the opportunity has passed, and so I can start calming down again. What would that do to the kids? We come home but I cannot leave the car; I cannot go inside. Jim has to go in with them, he puts them to bed, experiences resistance from them, and lays into them. Why does everything have to get so extreme before they take us even remotely seriously??