Today was Rooroo’s birthday

And I cried. 13 years,where did it go? And just last week was Jonesie’s 16th!! It’s crazy! We didn’t celebrate extravagantly; pizza and game night. We pretty much did the same on J’s birthday too. Nice and quiet family time.

 I have such a horrible hazy memory of things.
I love my kids so much and feel such pain because I miss my babies. Yet I’m so proud of who my boys are becoming. I love them so much. I regret that I wasn’t a better mom. We talked tonight about some difficult memories they had. Some things were hazy for me. Was I even conscious? Was I so disconnected? There were some really difficult times and I’m ashamed that I was/am such a weakling. I regret many things about how I handled the pressure. Poorly. But I want the boys to know that they can talk about anything that remember that they feel they need to talk about. I can only apologize for whatever I did or didn’t do to hurt them. And yet, we have a lot of live and forgiveness in the family. I thank God and pray that we will continue to do so. I always wanted to be a mom. I wanted a lot of kids. Yet for so many years I was convinced that I was never meant to be a mom, because I was so damaged. I don’t know if I would say that now, although I would admit that I’m still damaged. All I know is that love my kids so much it hurts to think about how fast the time is going. I miss my babies. But love my young little men.