This is not a commercial post. I don't care if anyone visits or knows about this hotel, although I personally think it's a pretty cool campus. But I am truly "down" this holiday season (as is usual), and in many ways I "miss" parts of southern California that I would normally NEVER want to visit. But with so many things that freak me out about my home stomping grounds, (and remind me of many sad times) why is this so?
Perhaps I have explained that I loath the Christmas season. This wasn't always so, although there were many aspects of the holidays that made me uncomfortable from an early age. As I've gotten older (and maybe more depressive) the ordeals of adulthood have really put a stink in the festivities for me. There are many reasons i could list for why this is, but I didn't really want to dwell on those things right now since I feel I'm always searching within myself for "WHY I AM THE WAY I AM", if that makes any sense. Basically, I don't think I truly understand myself with regard to this particular issue.
I have a clear sense of a sort of time travel during this part of the year. I remember the cold, dry air of walking around downtown Riverside, wrapped in my heavy vintage coats, still dressed in my black attire (uniform) from working at the [tremendously popular] coffee house. I was usually alone during these walks, and they may have occurred at night or late afternoon. I spent a lot of time alone, thinking, trying to not maintain any sense of stability. There was a cute little coffee house that was a part of the Inn, and I'd usually get a hot chocolate and just people watch.
Ok, quick insert. I wasn't completely a loner. I spent lots of times hanging out with friends, going swing dancing, bar hopping, and other stuff. But, because of my depression, I did spend LOTS of time alone.
Perhaps, this "time travel" is actually what's making me sad. Although I'm beset by a strong urge to get in the car and drive off to Riverside. It feels like a fricken homing beacon in my mind. And what would it accomplish? Would it be a relief? Would I be more depressed? Maybe it would be cathartic, and facilitate a much needed breakdown.
Do you ever feel this way? - That sometimes it's really hard to breakdown, or cry, or release these miserable feelings.
... I was fighting off the effects of all the dementors with all the chocolates.
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