The event I am, considering, as being the worst is the very first one that I can bring to my memory. It was a very very early memory of violence, and or the threat of violence on display. Also, it was the first memory experiencing absolute terror.
Why do I think this occurred? The most straightforward and logical explanation would be because my father was unstable, and my mother was codependent. The cause of this event was probably jealousy, emotional, dysregulation, snap anger, … etc.
This event was so foundational I believe it started me on a path of being constantly on edge. I learned not to trust the people around me who were supposed to protect me. I learned that I have no power to protect myself. I learned how to keep hanging on to a bad situation, and hoping it was going to get better only to find that it never actually got better. I learned that the people around me who were supposed to protect me. We’re not actually safe people to be around. I learned how to withdraw from the world and be safe in my own imagination, and in my own escapisms. I learned I wasn’t really important to those same individuals who were tasked with raising me. As a result, I didn’t really ever have a close emotional bond to them even though I desperately wanted one.
Stuck points:
