Continued from: https://calmkittyhugs.blogspot.com/2024/06/who-even-am-i-where-do-i-even-fit-in.html?m=1
I thought i was discovering who i am. I’ve never really known myself clearly, but i thought i was learning, thought i was changing. And maybe i am who i think i am, or more accurately who i would like to be. But perhaps there’s just too much baggage and damage for that to be possible.
I’ve been so confused, so stressed about what my future could be. Where do i fit? What’s my talent? How do i use it? It’s one thing to have an artistic talent or ability, but something else to overcome deep ingrained anxiety that has nothing to do with life-and-death situations overshadowing that talent.
I don’t necessarily want to spend my life hidden away. There are things i want to do and accomplish but i don’t even know what that means anymore.
Dreams were awoken since starting up school again a year and a half ago, and I’m starting to think I’ve gotten ahead of myself. I was happy to just learn theory and piano; i thought that was all i was going to do. Then choir happened. Then Mozart happened. Then flute lessons happened. And I’m overwhelmed, feeling pressure and pessimism that anything will come of my studies anyway. I’m old, I’m behind, I’m broke. I want so much to play h.i.p. early music ensembles but instead I’m learning modern flute because “i have to”.
What do i even want?
