i have to make a new home. or leave.

some quick updates:

I started a new blog and shelved my previous two for now. I'll be combining the previous and two, and keeping the newer one as a microblog journal, so it won't be as personal and open as my other blogs. I guess it will be a curated look at my life and writings, rather than a full-on somewhat unrestricted stream of consciousness. Plus, i'll be bookmarking things similar to twitter. Other than that, I haven't done much writing.

On a, perhaps, related note, Im in a legit depression right now. IT all started when Hamster died. IT really through me into deep thought about life and the fall, and it was kind of similar to how messed up I felt after realizing how even our governement and politicians were (2016). Anyway, it was kind of an awakening of sorts, but it hasn't necessarily freed me. I wouldn't call it the black pill, but I think I was more affected by things than I thought I was. And now, perhaps because I wasn't really writing much of anything during my grieving time over Hamster, and because I was trying to avoid writing so eric wouldn't read my stuff, Im slidden back into a time of depression energy. So maybe not writing anything was a mistake? But it was also tricky because I don't have my own computer, writing on my phone is not easy, I didn't have a lot of energy (depressed/grieving), and I though resting my brain was the best thing. Maybe that wasn't the case.

Anyway, the whole homeschooling thing is leaving me feeling very bad about the whole thing, because it feels like i can't dedicated my whole, or even part, self to it. If feels like Im failing them because they needs special attention. And I can't give it properly.

Everyone needs so much one-on-one. Its draining. I can do one kid fine. Well, to be honest, sometimes I can't even do that either because of my energy or patience, or both. We can do group things. But my eldest, Im going to be real, he is not going to go to college more than maybe a few classes. I think he wouldve graduated high school with mediocre grades and not known much of anything he learned. It's hard to say, but his learning is not like most people. He is not stupid, just not academically capable beyond basics. He could probably learn the more difficult things but they would have to be broken down into ELI5, and in small bite size pieces, and at a slow every day pace so he doesn't forget, and it would have to be something he was really interested in (although perhaps not). This will never happen in a public school, or even a private school with other kids and a schedule. It barely happens here and thats because I just can't make it happen the way I should because of my own issues.

I don't know how else to say it, and he's 15, and I don't think im saying it just because he's young and young kids usually don't know what the hell life is all about. He doens't really even know what he likes out of life so far. Its either that he just can't make a decision, or literally nothing is interesting to him beyond like video gaming. But after some talking more and more on this subjects, I think he realized the sense of urgency he needs to have in order to learn more about himself in order to carve out a path for himself in life, and he recognized that he likes to do physical work (like riding his bike, and mowing the lawn).

He still had an interest in creating stories which is good (and he loves the world of warcraft lore), he just doesn't know what to do with his ideas, or how to craft stories, etc. So on my end, that will be the next step to help him in getting those skills up, and also start reading tolkien.

He was really interested in coding at one point, because of his invasive thoughts and anxiety about things involving computers, and the challenge of what he saw as software engineering, he's put himself off that idea. To be honest, I didn't think he was smart enough for it anyway, or at least didn't have the discipline to learn, and he at least realized this about himself as well - that he didn't have the discipline. BUT, the Littles are starting to learn some coding so I've encouraged eldest to not give up, he may still be able to learn about it and use it in other ways which are less overhwleming.

I thought at one point maybe, because he does have a good troubleshooting attitude, that maybe sys admin would be better for him. This is still a possibility, but Im not pushing the computer thing too much because of his anxieties, and to be honest, I  don't want to see him working with tech so much.

I honestly think it's better for him, healthier, to keep that stuff for on the side, or a hobby, and that the bulk of his daily work attention be on something spiritually and physically beneficial for him - like creating things, or working with animals, or out in nature or something like this. But i know he's the one who has to go through this journey, not me.  He just needs lot's of help with things concerning academic work. Even creatively, he needs lots of help and guidance in a way that shows he's a very slow learner, and not able to adapt. I pray that his dad can get his blacksmithing going, because it would be good for Eldest to learn a skill like that.

The Littles are good. Middlest still struggles with certain things, and now is our time where we have to talk a lot about it, and deal with the struggles head-on. He's gotten so much better at articulating his feelings, so I know that even in the years of dealing with the challenges, he's learned things about himself. So I guess this is a new phase where things are going to get more advanced, and the sad thing is that with any issue you can work your way through, sometimes there are other issues right below it - kind of like for every two steps forward you take, you also have to take one back. I think that's the phase we're at with Middlest. But as I remind myself, he's learned a lot about himself, so I do believe he will continue to improve.

Littlest is just Littlest. Same silliness, if now worse. Funny though. All the kids make me laugh. I think in the end he'll be alright. He just needs encouragement and opportunities to do the things he wants to do - like art.

As for me?
Im trying. I still working on my blokflute. Im really enjoying the alto. I'd love to join the recorder society, I just havne't gotten up the nerve yet. Im afraid of becoming afraid, if that makes sense. Same as what happened with church. Its been a huge disappointment for me. The whole things. Not that i want to learn the church in general, im just saying the experience of being there has been such a struggle, and progressed so much, that I can't even bring myself to go more weekends. Its hugely disappointing because thats not what I want.

On a very strange, related topic, Im finding myself more and more drawn to the catholic church. I think I just need a western rite EO church, but ... Im not sure. I don't know that I could become a catholic unless it was with a very traditional church group, and apparently those are not the mainstream, so that bothers me. Along with a bunch of other things. I would be joining the catholic church with the understanding that I don't agree with much of their doctrines, and what is the point of that?

I think the issue is of feeling like being "home". Im having a big struggle with not feeling like i have a "home". Its more than just a feeling of "fitting-in". Its filling the part of the heart that involved YOU as a young person, and where you came from, and the continuity of knowing where you come from. I don't know how to explain it.

Ive been very much feeling like Ive been missing my hometown(s), and its not necessarily the house, or exact town that I miss, although there is some of that. It's the traveling around and living here or there, and think about the places i would escape to experience peace for a short while in my tumultuous and chaotic life that I miss. I had the feeling of 'home' ONCE, in chico, and I've never felt it again.

I think whatever is happening to me now, its making these other feelings come up because its just what I know. Its instinctual to 'go home' when the world is unsure and unfriendly - and when you can't (because your actual home is the source of trauma) and must experience prolonged chaos/abuse/neglect/violence/etc then this is how you end up with complex trauma / cptsd. So because my actual home, which was supposed to be a safe haven, didn't exist, I created that feeling of safety by wandering around and emotionally attaching myself to other placed and adventures I had, which were my little escapes/temporary homes. Thats what I think, anyway. And because I don't feel 'at home' here where i am, im reverting back to my early roots. So I don't know what to do.