Brief entry

Things have really spiraled our of control for me. I did go back to using cannabis and i suppose it does help. Just not all the time, and not always in the same way. I still have a lot of personal issues, and a somewhat negative attitude surrounding the usage of it, but Im not sure how to resolve it. I think a lot of it comes down to feeling like Im just covering up symptoms, but never dealing with "the illness". This would happen even if I was using some medically respected & endorsed pharmaceutical. I can either medicate with loads of ice cream, cannabis, pharma, food, alcohol, sex, tv, etc etc. Ive done all.
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Our homelife kind of blew up. On the one hand it was really awful, but on the other hand I think it really resulted in shaking my husband out of his denial and passive attitude. Lately he's really been trying to understand what Im struggling with (cPTSD & HSP). Prior to our blowout,  I just dont think he really understood how difficult things were in my own head, no matter how much I may have tried to explain. Finally, I guess I was triggered by him to the point where nearly all trust and feeling of psychological safety was GONE. Prior to "the final triggering" I did feel unsafe at times, but did my best to chalk it up to my own insecurities and the fact that my husband didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. Anyway, this all resulted in a very stressful experience for the whole family.
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So as of now:
Im experiencing somewhat of a meltdown in all areas of life. Im trying to do little things, take little steps, to enter back into life activities as a somewhat normal person. Ive noticed a few things about my "healing" (you never actually heal, but mostly learn to manage) which have kind of surprised me. As I said, my husband is being way more proactive in learning about my issues, and doing his best to facilitate this healing. As a result I feel that Im actually having more breakdowns and an ability to be very vulnerable with him. I think it helps, although its not in my nature to feel comfortable with either of those things.

OMG im a fucking wreck today

updating soon: going back to cannabis

I ordered some really great Bach's flower essence for relaxation because I had a really great experience with it recently. This summer has been really hard for me however, and I think I need to go back to cannabis for a while. Im still nervous after the last experience, but there were some days of amazing success. Anyway, updating this post more soon, Hopefully this week.

*knock knock*

So...WoW. The world is going to hell in a hand basket. Seems a trifling thing to be talking about ME, and MY anxiety, and MY problems, and MY issues. I guess that can be a good thing. I'll see if I can update a little bit, and repost with pictures.

Summer has arrived. Yay? It'd be OK if I wasn't obsessing about all the geo engineering trails the litter the damn sky. *Can't unsee!*

We headed to the lake a couple times already. It was nice. It was okay.

I bought some quad roller skates. Ohmygosh, I haven't been skating since I was a kid, and that kid was struggling to come out of me once again. I did try to use roller blades once, but my brain was in rebellion, and it just didn't feel right. Anyway, I drove for like a day & a half to buy them from the little mothership store down in Long Beach. So far, I love them. I have no interest in roller derby, so my goal is to do more "artistic", and around town skating. If i ever have the nerve I might try and skate at the skate park... Im not even trying to think about that though. It would be great if our town had an outdoor skating ring. We have an indoor one, but the hours are limited during school seasons.

Im still full of anxiety, still dealing with a lot of the same type of stuff i was previously. So not much has changed there, except for acquiring skates to help me get out of the house and exercise.

Ok, thats all I can think of. My brain is still foggy most of the time.