# death in the family & a long journey. part2

As i've said before, my family life was pretty shit. Dad was alcoholic with nontreated depression/bipolar disorder which only got worse over time. He used to regularly cycle between the alcohol and weed which no doubt exacerbated the natural chemical imbalances until there was permanent damage. As of today, he still does not live in reality.

My grandparents basically raised me and my brother and many of my cousins. Their house was like a small island of normal in an ocean of crazy. I loved being with my grandparents, and spending weekends at their house after being there all week. I think childhood was made bearable because of them.

It wasn't until my early 20s that I really made the effort to gtfo of the area and away from my family. I had moved out previously and, if I'm honest, I was really hoping to start a new life and get married to my then boyfriend. But, because I was mental and going through my own emotional crap, I cheated on him and fuq'd the whole thing up. (I've made peace with myself over this, however. And strangely he still comes around to my blogs... Or I guess it could be his controlling girlfriend, I don't know. Anyway...)

So at 22 I moved "away". At the time I think my dad was also living with my grandparents, making visiting them all but impossible. Perhaps my memory is not so good here, because this is also the age when my grampa died. I remember it was my dad who helped carry my grampa inside the house after he had a stroke. Either way, my dad was in some form or another a wedge between me and my grandparents. My grama would defend him (before she really understood there was something seriously wrong with him) and my grampa didn't want to get in the mix of it. I feel bad for what they had to go through, though.

to be continued:

# death in the family & a long journey. part1

I need to write this down before it all becomes a fog in my brain. I will have to do this in installments because it's even too much for me to wade through everything. My goal is to write a little bit about it every day. There's been lots of drama and sadness for me, and I'd like to remember things as clearly as I can for future reference.

My grama passed away on April 10th, one day before her would-be 94th birthday.  I loved my grama. She and my grampa pretty much raised me. Their home was like an asylum from the shit chaos my actual home was. Sadly, I didn't see her very much since moving so  far away in my mid twenties. Even before then there was a bit of a rift between me and my gramparents thanks to my jerk of a dad. But traveling freeways is not something that i enjoy doing, or am able to do without a lot of stress. She lived in So Cal, where I grew up. After leaving the area I've rarely ever felt the need to return to live there. My heart cannot stand the crowded, concrete, ugly face that is southern california. But now that my grama is gone, any last connection I had to the area is pretty much gone, and this is causing me some conflict.

to be continued:+