insomniac

sitting by myself. it's late at night. just read some disturbing news online and now i feel so low. i can't imagine what the people this tragedy i read about are feeling. the human is race is just not right. its sick. and i often hate it. i often dont want to interact. dont want to connect.... I would rather flee, avoid, live away from others, reject so much of what is normal and expected.... and yet i have problems that make even me less than an ideal member of the human race. maybe in my efforts to change my life in this way i feel that it will help transform me into that ideal person i want to be....  i havent made a difference in my own life, let alone anyone else's. I brought children into this world that i cant even take care of properly. at least that's what i feel.

I've been quite agitated lately. Very angry with people & circumstances. I've been speaking my mind a little too much, I think. Especially on a stupid social network like Facebook it can be so easy to just go off and vent, and not really care about what others are going to say. I think the most backlash you can get is from Facebook, unlike some other social networks. So i've upset, pissed people off, offended relatives in recent weeks. I kind of care. But mostly i dont. Its just what i do I guess. I vent. I need to. But as I've often realized FB is not the place to do it. Twitter's ok. ...  I hate social networks and all this rubbish "connecting" and "friending" shit. So phony anyway.

anxiety and driving aimlessly

the kids have been off this week from school. (easter break)
i've been worried about it for a while because i know how crazy i get and how crazy they get.
thankfully and quite accidentally my husband has been home on his vacation, so his presence has been a huge lift to my mood and spirits and confidence.
but even still, my anxiety attacks have been frequent.
had to tell my husband i was feeling very much on the edge. i was gasping for air and trying hard to hold it together.
he decided we should get out of the house, which usually makes me feel better.
we don't go anywhere specific (being around people in a mall or store is not someplace i want to go when im in that state).
anyway, we spent a lovely time being outside and driving around the countryside. it was beautiful. the air was fresh. amazing what nature can do.

April

There are a lot of good things happening at the moment. Amazingly none if it really makes a difference to the mind.

Have you had a day like that? Nothing matters...not that you don't care you just don't have the energy to be fussed about anything. And not that it's a good thing, but you could see your house on fire and just kind of go "Oh, look at that. My house is on fire...hmm."  Sounds silly but there you have it.

I'm afraid to come out of my cave today.

It's March 2011? Dang where does the time go?

I haven't been keeping up with my little diary here. It's certainly not that I haven't been feeling the struggles of life, or anything. I think sometimes writing about what's going on when things are fresh just fuels the fire, so to speak. But i really don't know.

Let's see... as of right now I feel thoroughly emotionally drained. We've all hit that point of emotional exhaustion where we just don't care about anything, when we're not happy or sad, we're just... nothing. Well I'm not that far. But I feel close. And that kind of scares me.

I am:  Plugging away at life, waiting for something to happen.  But what?

I want desperately to change things but I can't do it by myself. I don't know how. I literally need someone to take me by the hand and lead me. I've never been a self-motivator. Challenges and stuff like that only served to depress me, never to motivate me. I wish they did. I don't know what would happen if I was ever forced to be the head of the family. The thought scares me to no end. I'd like to say that I'd make everything happen, that rent would get paid SOMEHOW, or that things would get taken care of SOMEHOW. But I lay in bed thinking about it sometimes and I worry that I couldn't do it. I'd break. Really hard.

I asked myself right now What's The Biggest Thing You'd Like To Change? I think my answer would be how I feel about myself. I don't even know where to begin to tackle that one. But I just hate myself right now. I hate the way I look, feel, behave, respond to stresses... I just hate that I'm not a normal fricken person. I know, what's normal, right? But I think you know what I mean. It just seems that if I saw myself differently (as not a failure to myself or others) then I could handle everything else a little bit better. With attitude maybe!

Who knows.