Tuesday mania

 Feeling unstable. 

Had a bunch of bad energy, frustration, anger at stupid people today. Came home and did some meditation. Came inside to eat. Feeling “sad”, tears. Feeling shit about myself i suppose. Dumb. Stupid. Slow. And like there’s so much stuff to do and i don’t have the time, & I’m overwhelmed. So i feel bad about not being more organized or better at getting things done, or faster at my homework. All the thoughts came at once. 

Currently agonizing over whether to go to school to use piano but i don’t want to be inside. Should i work here at the computer out the piano? My piano area is a mess, it’s cumbersome to work in, and the computer binds me to the table. I WANT to go outside and study but it’s hot and i think i need a piano or computer. I literally cannot decide, cannot stop churning the question, and I’m literally making myself sick.

Thinking about class tomorrow. I feel sick to my stomach. 

It’s Sunday

 Having anxiety. No real trigger. Sat outside at sunset and was really enjoying it. Then just got sad. Came inside and felt anxious probably because the house was a wreck, kitchen still wasnt cleaned, laundry to do, shower to take, i had “homework” to do, the weekend was over… The usual things plaguing my mind and i was stuck in freeze mode Thought i was holding in my anxiety or whatever it was. But i asked Jim to go get ice cream because i really wanted a rum and Coke. If i couldn’t do any of that then i was going to have a spoonful of nutella. He said he’d get the ice cream and then i started crying. I’m currently sat in the parking lot of Safeway. 

Yep. Another cry a bit later in the evening. No discernible trigger. Perhaps i was just enjoying being around everyone. 

Waiting for refills

I had s really hard time at the dentist and after the dentist. But i realized I’ve only been one one dose of the lotrimine the last few days. I’m stocked up again so we’ll see if more focus & executive function challenges are going to happen.