I’m having it rough today. I’ve been feeling a bit sorry for myself, because I am realizing that I just can’t do the same things other people can do, & I just don’t learn the same way other people learn.🍃
I am definitely decided on taking the next two semesters off from music theory. In that time, I will spend more effort doing exercise, walking with the boys, spending time with the boys, and getting healthier. at least that is the plan. I also think it will be a good time to work on all the things I’ve been struggling with while taking music theory. For example, my aural skills have been atrocious, and I need more practice with transcription and sight singing, and just those basic skills. I also haven’t been able to play piano, which was my initial goal when I started going back to school: I wanted to learn some theory, and I wanted to re-learn the piano. 🍃
Music theory classes have been stressing me out, which was not the goal of this adventure. And only through the music theory courses have I’ve been able to take any music lessons. That has put on an extra stress, because I cannot do lessons without theory and without choral ensemble. I simply don’t have that much energy these days 🍃
Through this journey I’ve discovered that i can sing! Wow. A very unexpected source of enjoyment, but now I’m putting pressure on myself that i need to do something with that. It’s like i need this identity of musical success in order to feel meaningful or be accepted by other people. I know the source of this pressure comes from very deep places and I’m trying to let it go. I think the more painful thing is realizing that my brain does not work the way that our society is built around people who’s brains are Neuroypical. But, you know, I have to be OK with that and I have to be OK with adapting how I learn.🍃
So… I don’t feel bad taking a whole year off from music theory just to catch up on skills and take care of home and health issues. And I realize that God is the authority of my life so if something is to come out of music studies and singing skills then I trust that he will make it come to pass and if not, then I will learn to be OK with that too.🍃
I don’t have to be anyone special And I don’t have to feel like I am proving something to anybody. Mostly, I do feel that I have to prove something to myself and that’s what makes this so painful because I do feel that I am a disappointment to my own self. I had a goal that I set for myself and I can’t complete it. I remind myself that this is a temporary setback and yet not truly a setback because I will be working on things that I need to work on during my waiting time. (I hopei can follow through on that. Best intentions and all that.)🍃
It’s OK if other people don’t understand what I go through. It’s OK if other people downplay things it I struggle with because they just don’t understand. It hurts but it’s not their fault; they just have different brains and don’t understand.🍃
